I’m Not La La Laughing

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre

(I’m listening in on a call my husband/coworker is taking.)

Husband: “Ma’am, I apologize, your assumption was not correct. The service is not transferable and must be used by the end of next month. This information is stated on our website and on the receipt we sent you at the time of purchase.”

Caller: “La la la la la la la la!”

Husband: “Ma’am, I can continue to assist you but we need to have this conversation like grown-ups. If you insist on acting like a child, I will have to put you in time out by hanging up”

Caller: “Well, f*** you!” *click*

Me: “Aren’t you glad you married me instead of someone like that?”

Husband: “If you acted like that, we wouldn’t have even started dating.”

Tree Talk

| The Philippines | Bizarre

(I receive a call from a guy who’s calling on behalf of his friend and acting as the account owner. It’s pretty obvious because I can hear the account owner in the background providing his account info.)

Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name]; may I have your phone number, please?”

Friend: *whispers* “Dude, what’s your phone number?”

Account Owner: *from the background* “It’s [number].”

Friend: “Hi, yes. It’s [number].”

Me: “Thank you! Now, may I have your name?”

Friend: *whispers* “Dude, what is the complete name on your account?”

Account Owner: *from the background* “It’s [Full Name].”

Friend: “Sure, [Full Name].”

(The friend kept chatting with the account owner and is no longer paying attention to what I’m asking.)

Me: “[Name]!”

Friend: “Oh! I’m sorry about that. Can you please repeat your question?”

Me: “This is the last time I will ask this question, if I don’t get the answer I will have to disconnect this call! What… is… the.. name… of… the STREEEET… that you grew up on?!”

Friend: *he is rattled and whispers* “Dude, what’s the name of TREE that you grew up on?”

Account Owner: *from the background* “What the f***, dude?”

Friend: “Didn’t you ask for the tree name?”

Account Owner: *now shouting from the background* “Just what the f*** is your problem with me? Stop messing around! If you wanna play, wait for your turn!”

Me: *laughing and can barely speak* ” “Uh, sir…”

Friend: *shaky voice* “What is it you are asking for?”

Me: “I’m asking for the name of the… name of the…” *mute and laugh* “streeeet, please.”

Friend: *click*

Can’t Subscribe To Their Way Of Thinking

| PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

(Customer calls in to try and get a refund.)

Me: “Hello this is [My Name] with [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I want a refund for my TV Weekly. I bought a subscription and I don’t like it.”

Me: “Okay, just give me one second to look into your account.”

(I access her account.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, unfortunately we will not be able to give you a credit on your account because—”

Customer: “Why the h*** not!?”

Me: “Well, as I was saying, it looks like you received every issue of your two-year subscription and it’s been a year since we sent you a renewal letter.”

Customer: “So what? I just told you; I didn’t like your magazine and I want my money back.”

Me: “Ma’am, according to your account we never received one call or complaint in the entire three years since you ordered the magazine.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t have the time to so I’m calling now.”

Me: “In three years you haven’t had the time?”

Customer: “Some of us have REAL jobs.”

Me: “Okay, well, then the charge shouldn’t be a problem; have a good day, ma’am.”

Imprisoned By The Name

| Washington DC, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

(I work at a call center where we receive in-custody records from county jails and state prisons. Most people who call us or are routed to us by calling the jail think we are the jail they are calling. This call comes in on the DC line.)

Customer: “Um, hi, yes, I have a friend who is missing, and I want to know if he’s in jail there? His name is [Name]. But he could be in there with the last name [Other Name], too.”

Me: “Okay, let me take a look.” *runs search* “No, ma’am, there’s no one in the system by either name.”

Customer: “His name has to come up to for him to be in jail there, right?”

Me: “…that’s correct, ma’am.”

Security Disservice

, | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Awesome Workers

(In telephone banking service, one of the most frustrating experiences are people who fail the security questions. They want security, but they also want to be able to access their accounts if they can’t remember things like recent transactions, or the phone number from six houses ago that they didn’t bother to update with us. I am on my train home, and I happen to sit down in front of a man on his phone, obviously answering and then failing security for a bank.)

Caller: “Well, that’s my address NOW! I don’t care what you have there. Look! My name is [Name], I was born on [date]! My mother’s maiden name is [Other Name]! Now, please help me!”

(Silence, presumably a reply from the service rep.)

Caller: “But you need to come up with something to help people when they can’t answer these questions!”

(Some silence.)

Caller: “Well why can’t you sort something out for me?! LOOK! Just send me a new d*** credit card at [address repeated loudly, slowly, and clearly]! Now send it because it expires this month! Send it or I’ll call the Ombudsman!”

(Realising he’s hung up, I spin around.)

Me: “Hi! I work as a banking call centre rep and I often come across this situation. Tell me, what solution do you have in mind?”

Caller: “Uh… what? Solution?”

Me: “You just said that there should be something in place to help people access their accounts when they can’t answer the security questions. Well, now’s your chance. I work as a service agent and I’m also part of the decision making and testing process for new procedures. You want something set up to enable people who can’t answer security questions to be able to access accounts. Now, keeping both fraud compliance and the legal obligation to safeguard people’s information and money, what do you have in mind?”

Caller: “Well, there should be another system…”

Me: “You are absolutely correct. Can you describe it?”

Caller: “I…”

Me: “Where I am, we have some procedures. We can send a One Time PIN to your mobile phone. Does the bank have your current phone number? I gathered they can’t verify your address.”

Caller: “No, I haven’t given out this phone numb—”

Me: “I see. So if I gather correctly, you haven’t updated your address and phone numbers with them in some time. What else did they ask?”

Caller: “My date of birth, and a recent transaction.”

Me: “Okay, did you remember a recent transaction?”

Caller: “No! Why should I be expected to remember that?”

Me: “Why indeed? Tell me, did you give them an account number?”

Caller: “NO! I don’t have any statements from them because I haven’t gotten mail in years!”

Me: “Okay, so let me recap. You’ve called up to ask for a replacement credit card to be sent out to your new address. You weren’t able to provide an account number, the agent found you by name and date of birth. You were unable to provide the address they have on their system, they were unable to confirm your return mobile number because you haven’t given it to them. Moving on, you were unable to name any recent activity on the card that only you have access to. Do you not see how this would trip some red flags for a person who has to remain vigilant for fraud?”

Caller: “Well, yeah… but—”

Me: “But yes, your solution – which is?”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “You said there needs to be another way. So after we’ve recapped your specific situation, what would you suggest?”

(At this point, his eyes narrow and he gives me a filthy look.)

Caller: “Now you listen here, you smart a—”

Me: “Has it occurred to you that the person making your life difficult is you? Have you not realised in that exchange and in this conversation, you are admitting all the areas where you let yourself down and placed all the blame on the person doing their job instead of where it all belongs, with you?”

Caller: “Now just hold on a min—”

Me: “No, you hold on. Maybe take the time to take your card out of your pocket, think about the last time you used it and maybe have a think about your last known address, call back, and be polite instead of a whining jerk.”

(Another intense stink eye, I notice my stop coming up.)

Me: “Catch this train often. I had a great time telling you off. It melted all the day’s stress away! Bye now!”

(I alighted from the train, waving back as I got the most awful glare.)

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