Customer: “I want to cancel my ex-husband’s policy.”

Me: “Are you on the policy with him?”

Customer: “No, but his new girlfriend is. That’s why I’d like it canceled.”

Me: “You can’t cancel a policy that isn’t yours.”

Customer: “Why not?! It used to be my policy!”

Me: “Well, because you no longer have authorization to make such a change.”

Customer: “Well, he didn’t have authorization to bring that ***** into my house, but he did it anyways. I’m pretty sure you can cancel his policy.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure you need to see a therapist. Thanks for calling.”

(I have just completed a survey with this man and am now asking him for his name, where he lives age etc.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to ask you a few questions about your demographics. ”

Man: “Well, would you like like my Earth information or my home planet information?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Man: “Well, like for example: here on earth, I am 45, but on my home planet, I am 270.”

Me: *not sure if he is serious* “Well, I think that I will take your…Earth…information. It would be most relevant to us.”

Man: “Actually, I think I will give you both, just in case. That way, if you can’t get ahold of me here, you can try me at my home planet. ”

(The man proceeded to give me both sets of information, including his Earth name, Andrew, and his other name…Qinjax.)

Me: “Good afternoon, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s the tenth time I’m calling in! Please just transfer me already.”

Me: “Who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s ***. Now transfer me to the right section.”

Me: “…how may I help you?”

Customer: “Jesus, are you dumb? I just want you to transfer my call to someone who can actually help me.”

Me: “I’m not transferring your call until you tell me what’s going on, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s my statement. It’s wrong and I want a refund. Now transfer this call.”

Me: “What’s your cellphone number with the area code?”

Customer: “Just transfer this already. I’m responsible for your paycheck!”

*OH SNAP*

Me: “Alright. Do you have your statement in your hands?”

Customer: “Yeah. Transfer the call!”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

*silence*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

*silence*

Me: “Does it?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “So you have nothing to do with my paycheck, I guess. Plus, you haven’t paid your last one and I still got my paycheck. Now, can I please check some information before transferring the call?”

Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, okay…”

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank name], may I please have your 16-digit account number?”

Customer: “I can’t.”

Me: “That’s fine, may I please have your SS number so I’m able to find you?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your social security number?”

Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that, it’s not SECURE!”

Me: “Umm…okay? Would you like to call us back on a land line so that your call is more ’secure’?”

Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my D*MN BALANCE!”

(At this point, I’ve had enough.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

(I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

(My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given a award.)

(I used to work at this cellphone carrier like Vodafone or Cingular and people usually messed up who they were talking to.)

Me: “Good evening, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “Please, call an ambulance!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t make outgoing calls here. Not even for an ambulance. Please hang up and make the call.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I need an ambulance NOW!”

Me: “I understand. But we can’t call it for you!”

Customer: “Please help me! My cat is dying!”

Me: “Your…what?”

Customer: “My cat! He’s lying on the floor and making weird noises. He’s dying, I need an ambulance.”

(I was never sure if this was a prank call cause the lady sounded pretty serious.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, you really will have to call the vet yourself.”

Customer: “No! I need an ambulance. You can’t refuse to help me like this. I’ll sue you!”

Me: “…for what?”

Customer: “For neglecting help to someone in need! You could have called an ambulance already!”

Me: “You could too if you had just hang up and called somebody yourself, ma’am!”

Customer: “Fine, but if my cat dies, I’ll call you back!” *click*

(Working in tech support, I talk to some pretty dumb people every day. This was a particular highlight of the week.)

Me: “Go ahead and check the icons in the bottom right hand corner of your screen for me.”

Customer: “I have no bottom right.”

Me: “Ma’am, everything has a bottom right.”

(A customer calls our store and asks about a computer.)

Customer: “Hello, I was wondering how big the hard drives in y’all’s computers are?”

Me: “Well the largest hard drive size we have is 1 terabyte. You can get four of those–”

Customer: *cuts me off* “A terawhat? I’ve heard of a pterodactyl!” *screeches like a pterodactyl might have and hangs up the phone*

(This was my last week at a very lousy sales job working for a major jewelry manufacturer that deals exclusively with jewelers on a screened account basis.)

Me: “Thank you for calling *****. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a price check on a diamond.”

(We go through a drawn out process of finding the stone he wants, a large carat, high grade diamond. I quote him the price in the system.)

Customer: “That can’t be right! That’s too expensive!”

Me: “It’s the price I have in the system, sir. If you like, we can look for a different piece?”

Customer: “NO! It has to be that one! Are you sure that’s the right price?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Are you absolutely certain?”

Me: “Absolutely, sir.”

Customer: “And that’s in dollars, right?”

(At this point, I’m fed up and not really concerned with whether I get fired or not at this point. I answer in my most sincere deadpan.)

Me: “No, sir. That’s in woodchucks. We deal exclusively in fresh, live woodchucks.”

(I hear a bark of laughter from one of the call monitoring agents on the next row, which gets even louder when the customer asks if I’m serious.)

(I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “The computer tower.”

Customer: “Huh?”

(I’ll spare you the agony but, I went on for about 3 more minutes trying to describe the CPU and getting nowhere.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be expressing myself well today. Can you describe to me all the computer parts on your desk? I’ll tell you which one the number I need is on.”

Customer: “It’s just a keyboard and a screen, like any other computer.”

Me: “Oh, you have a laptop!”

Customer: “A what?”

Me: “A little computer you can take with you. The keyboard and screen fold together with a hinge in the middle, right?”

Customer: “No, I don’t! I don’t know what is wrong with you computer people today. First the sales guy tries to sell me a bunch of sh*t I don’t need in this big box package and now you don’t even know what a computer is! Brand new today and it don’t even work.”

Me: “So…you just bought a keyboard and a monitor?”

Customer: “What’d I need all the rest uh’ that sh*t in the box for? This was way cheaper! I ain’t stupid!”

Me: “…”

(I was a toll-free operator. If a caller asked for something and there was ANY difference in the listing from what was requested, we were required to notify the caller and get approval from the caller before providing the number.)

Caller: “I would like *** insurance company in Delaware.”

Me: “I have a listing for *** insurance company, but I have it listed out of New Hampshire. Would that be acceptable?”

Caller: “New Hampshire? Where the h*ll is New Hampshire?”

Me: “It’s in New England.”

Caller: “New England?! I don’t want any New England! I need a number in the United States!”

Me, sarcastically: “Oh, I’m sorry, then. I don’t have any listed.”