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    The Land Of The Free From Thought

    | London | Food & Drink, Tourists/Travel

    (I work in a cafe popular with tourists. During one afternoon I see an American man lighting a cigarette. We have a smoking ban in the UK that bans smoking in all public places.)

    Me: “Excuse me sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to smoke that cigarette outside.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    (I explain the smoking ban to him.)

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! That’s a breach of the First Amendment!”

    Me: “Sir, I have no idea what that is, though I think it’s something to do with free speech.”

    Customer: *shocked* “How can you not know the First Amendment? It’s the law!”

    Me: “It’s your law, judging by your accent. We have a completely different set of laws.”

    Customer: “England has its own laws?”

    Deliver Us From Stupidity

    | Dundee, UK | Food & Drink

    Caller: “Hello, I was wanting a delivery to [address]. Can I get two roast beef sandwiches?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t actually do deliveries.”

    Caller: “Liar! Why would you even have a phone number in the first place then?”

    Don’t Ask For Chocolate Drops

    | New Jersey, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    (A customer arrives at the drive-thru window.)

    Customer: “I’m so sorry, I’m not sure what it is I want, but I know it’s flat and it has caramel and whip cream and it’s a cappuccino.”

    Me: “I think I know what you want. It’s blended and frozen, like a milkshake but with coffee.”

    Customer: “Maybe, I’m just not sure. I always get my granddaughter to order it for me because she speaks the coffee language.”

    (This goes on until I convince her to just come to the window and describe it to me in person. One of my fellow baristas helps her to realize that she does, in fact, want what I think she wants).

    Customer: “Yeah, one of those crappuccinos. That’s it…”

    When Requests Have Both A Positive And A Negative Side

    | Manchester, CT, USA |

    (The power has gone out in the cafe.)

    Customer: “I’d like a soda, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but since the power is out, we can only sell bakery products from the window.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s okay. I only wanted to use the wi-fi, anyway.”

    (He sits in the corner, but comes back a few minutes later.)

    Customer: “The wi-fi seems to be down. Could you reset it?”

    Me: “No. sir. The power is out, so the wi-fi won’t work until it comes back on.”

    Customer: “Don’t you have batteries for it?”

    Random Acts Of Whininess

    | New Jersey, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, what is that stuff in your greek salad? Gor-gon-zalla?”

    Me: “Gorgonzola. It is a type of cheese.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, can I get a Diet Coke?”

    Me: “Sorry, we only have Diet Pepsi.”

    Customer: *suddenly angry* “Let me see your manager, NOW!”

    (I retreat to the back and send up my manager. He has a three minute round with the customer. The customer departs, yelling, “I’m gonna sue you and your whole d*** company!” before storming out the door.)

    Me: “What was he so mad about?”

    Manager: “I was about to ask you the same thing. What did he ask you for?”

    Me: “Cheese on our Greek salad and diet soda. What was he talking to you about?”

    Manager: “The speed-dating event that was held here last night.”


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