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    Fond Of The Name Change

    | Australia | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (Our cafe makes a number of desserts. Most can be made by any of the staff. However, a few need to be made specifically by the chef. Typically, if business is not too fast, those of us taking the orders will simply call the order out to the chef for the entire cafe to hear.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like a fondle.”

    Me: “Excuse me!?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’ve got some friends waiting, so hurry up.”

    Me: “Of course, sir. Could, you… er… please repeat your order for me so I can put it through?”

    Customer: “A fondle! You know the one for five people! Geez, you haven’t been working here long, have you?”

    Me: “A fon… oh, the chocolate fondue?”

    Customer: “The fondle, yes! Hurry it up!”

    Me: “It won’t be long, sir. I’ll call you when it’s done.”

    (The customer, grumbling, goes and sits down at a table with various other people.)

    Me: *to the chef* “One chocolate fondle, please!”

    Chef: “One… what?”

    Me: “The last customer asked for a fondle. So, one of your absolute best fondles for him please!”

    Chef: “Well, of course! One extra-large fondle coming up!”

    (Most of the customer’s friends start chuckling. The customer himself does not seem to notice anything awry. The chef, amused, makes the fondue and brings it out to the customer himself.)

    Chef: *to the customer* “Here you are, sir. A big satisfying fondle, just as you requested!”

    (From that point on, we nearly always call fondue orders out to the chef this way. He is proud to be able to claim that he gives hundreds of men and women ‘fondles’ every day, with full approval from his wife.)

    Closed Store, Open Kindness

    | NC, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money

    (We close in five minutes and since it has been a slow night, my coworker and I have turned off the lights in the cases and wrapped the pastries. A customer walks in and my coworker turns on the lights in the cases.)

    Customer: “Are you closed?”

    Me: “No, sir. We close in just a few minutes.”

    Customer: “Oh! I’m so sorry. I just need to pick up some coffee beans and dessert. I’ll be fast!”

    Me: “Don’t worry, you’re okay.”

    (I get his coffee beans while my coworker cuts him a slice of cake. She goes to the back to wash the knife while I ring him up.)

    Me: “Your total is [total.]”

    Customer: “Here you go.” *hands me his credit card* “I am so sorry; I thought you closed at 9:00.”

    Me: “It’s no problem, really.”

    (He looks into the tip jar, which is empty because we have already split the tips.)

    Customer: “Oh, your tip jar is empty. Well here, you two can split this.” *drops money into jar*

    Me: “Thank you, have a good night!”

    Customer: “You too!”

    (I expected a dollar in the tip jar, but it was a $10 bill!)

    Heat Rises As IQ Falls

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (We have a convection oven for heating up pastries and sandwiches. Some people mistake it for a microwave oven. One day, a customer who has already purchased her drink comes up to me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, but this drink is not hot enough. Can you heat this up in your microwave?” *points to our oven*

    Me: “Sorry, but I can’t do that since that’s a convection oven. However, I can remake the drink to be hotter for you.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want you to remake it. I just want you to heat it up a little more. Are you sure you can’t do it?”

    Me: “Ma’am, that thing we have over there is a convection oven. Your cup will catch on fire if I put it in there.”

    Customer: *blankly stares at me for several seconds* “…So you can’t do it?”

    Me: “Not unless you want your drink engulfed in flames.”

    Customer: “Oh…” *leaves the store, still confused*

    Yukon Not Steal It

    | Strasbourg, France | Canada, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

    (I’m Canadian, but I’m visiting my French cousin and helping him do some repairs on his cafe. While we’re working, a large family passes by, obviously lost. I’m wearing a shirt with a large Canadian flag on the back.)

    Mother: “Excuse me! I’m sorry to bother you, but are you Canadian?”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    Mother: “Thank god! We’ve been lost for hours.”

    (She shows me her map. Ultimately, I work out they’re trying to cross the border into Germany, but got lost trying to find out how to get there.)

    Father: “Good thing the signs are all in French, or else we wouldn’t have managed to find our way around anywhere!”

    Me: “Yeah, it sure makes things easier for Canadians, eh?”

    (Suddenly, there’s a scuffle behind me. My cousin comes out dragging two of their sons behind him.)

    Cousin: “They were trying to steal bottles of juice! I heard them planning it!”

    Son #1: *to Son #2* “Well, how was I supposed to know they speak French here? They all sound so different!”

    (Quebecois and French speakers do sound somewhat different, but angry mothers are universal!)

    Related:
    Yukon Call Them
    Yukon See It On A Map, Part 3
    Yukon Not Spend It
    Yukon Not Believe This Juan

    Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Bequeather

    | Sydney, Australia | Awesome Customers, Time, Top

    (Most customers at the café where I work are regulars, including an older couple who comes in every Saturday. The wife is slightly disabled and has a mild facial disfigurement. She has previously complimented me on a certain necklace I wear. Today, I’m not exactly in a good place. While I am washing up, she comes to the side of the shop and calls me.)

    Wife: “I want to see you when you get a moment!”

    (When I go to clean the tables, I walk over to her table.)

    Me: “You wanted to show me something?”

    (The wife hands me a small bag. Inside is an assortment of beautiful gold jewellery with sparkling stones.)

    Me: “Oh, they’re so beautiful! Thank you for showing me these!”

    Wife: “Keep them.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Wife: “I bought them for you.”

    Me: “For me? Are you sure?”

    Wife: “Yes, I ordered them for you. Do you like them?”

    Me: “Of course I do… thank you. I’m very touched.”

    Wife: “It’s alright, darling. You’re a beautiful girl, and I want to help you if you need it!”

    (It’s moments like these that remind me there’s still good in the world.)

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