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    The Darkest Coffee Lightens The Mood

    | Cleveland, OH, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    (We’ve just opened and I already have a long line, which is being held up by a customer whose drink I’ve remade three times, but he’s still not pleased. He’s been yelling at me for the last three minutes, and the entire line is started to get annoyed.)

    Customer #1: “How hard is it to make a d*** drink?”

    Me: “Sir, I’ve made your drink exactly how I was taught. If you would just—”

    Customer #1: “Then I guess you’re too f***ing stupid to make it right!”

    (He grows increasingly belligerent, swearing at me for another minute or so. However, Customer #2, a woman behind him, has had enough. She grabs him by the shoulder and physically turns him to look at her.)

    Customer #2: “Shut. The. F***. Up! I just had a f***ing baby! I’m on my period and PMS-ing! And I haven’t slept for three f***ing days! You are getting in between me and my coffee. Now take your d*** sissy drink and get the f*** out of my way, before I get angry!”

    (Everyone in the store is stunned at her outburst.)

    Customer #1: “But she didn’t—”

    Customer #2: *through her teeth* “She. Made. It. Right. LEAVE.”

    (He takes his drink and slinks out of the store. Everyone is still in shock when Customer #2 walks up to the counter.)

    Me: “Wha-what can I get you, ma’am?”

    Customer #2: “Large. Black.”

    Me: “Would you—”

    Customer #2: “No.”

    (I make her drink as quickly as is possible. I give her a smile as I hand it to her.)

    Me: “Have a wonderful day, and may I just say you look fantastic for just having had a baby.”

    Customer #2: *much sweeter now* “Thank you. You have a good day, too.”

    (She left a $20 tip!)

    Not A Breadwinning Idea

    | NC, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (An older man comes into the cafe and looks our menu over. We serve salads, sandwiches, and soup.)

    Customer: “I want a sandwich, but I don’t eat bread.”

    Me: “Hmm…”

    Customer: “I’m probably not going to have any luck with that, am I?”

    Me: “No, sir, I don’t think so.”

    Don’t Have A Cow, Ma’am

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Food & Drink

    (It’s my first day working in this cafe. It’s late in the afternoon and we are getting ready to close. I am in the back kitchen, cleaning, when I overhear this conversation between the waitress and a customer who has just walked in and is looking at the food we have left on display.)

    Waitress: “Hi! What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Don’t you have anything else vegetarian? All I can see are these quiches, and they look disgusting! Like they’ve been here for hours!”

    Waitress: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Normally we do have a few more vegetarian options; pasties and such, but as you can see, it’s almost the end of the day, so we’ve sold out of most things. But I can assure you that the quiches are baked fresh here and these ones are still fine to eat.”

    Customer: “Well, they look terrible. I’ll just have one of those pies.”

    Waitress: “Are you sure, ma’am? These are meat pies; they’re not vegetarian.”

    Customer: “Just give me a d*** pie!”

    (The waitress reluctantly bags up the pie and the customer pays for it and leaves in a huff. Sure enough, less than five minutes later, the customer returns.)

    Customer: “How dare you sell this to me! It’s not vegetarian! It’s got f***ing meat in it! What the f*** is wrong with you?!”

    Me: *to my fellow kitchen employees* “I’m going to love working here, aren’t I?”

    Fond Of The Name Change

    | Australia | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (Our cafe makes a number of desserts. Most can be made by any of the staff. However, a few need to be made specifically by the chef. Typically, if business is not too fast, those of us taking the orders will simply call the order out to the chef for the entire cafe to hear.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like a fondle.”

    Me: “Excuse me!?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’ve got some friends waiting, so hurry up.”

    Me: “Of course, sir. Could, you… er… please repeat your order for me so I can put it through?”

    Customer: “A fondle! You know the one for five people! Geez, you haven’t been working here long, have you?”

    Me: “A fon… oh, the chocolate fondue?”

    Customer: “The fondle, yes! Hurry it up!”

    Me: “It won’t be long, sir. I’ll call you when it’s done.”

    (The customer, grumbling, goes and sits down at a table with various other people.)

    Me: *to the chef* “One chocolate fondle, please!”

    Chef: “One… what?”

    Me: “The last customer asked for a fondle. So, one of your absolute best fondles for him please!”

    Chef: “Well, of course! One extra-large fondle coming up!”

    (Most of the customer’s friends start chuckling. The customer himself does not seem to notice anything awry. The chef, amused, makes the fondue and brings it out to the customer himself.)

    Chef: *to the customer* “Here you are, sir. A big satisfying fondle, just as you requested!”

    (From that point on, we nearly always call fondue orders out to the chef this way. He is proud to be able to claim that he gives hundreds of men and women ‘fondles’ every day, with full approval from his wife.)

    Closed Store, Open Kindness

    | NC, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money

    (We close in five minutes and since it has been a slow night, my coworker and I have turned off the lights in the cases and wrapped the pastries. A customer walks in and my coworker turns on the lights in the cases.)

    Customer: “Are you closed?”

    Me: “No, sir. We close in just a few minutes.”

    Customer: “Oh! I’m so sorry. I just need to pick up some coffee beans and dessert. I’ll be fast!”

    Me: “Don’t worry, you’re okay.”

    (I get his coffee beans while my coworker cuts him a slice of cake. She goes to the back to wash the knife while I ring him up.)

    Me: “Your total is [total.]”

    Customer: “Here you go.” *hands me his credit card* “I am so sorry; I thought you closed at 9:00.”

    Me: “It’s no problem, really.”

    (He looks into the tip jar, which is empty because we have already split the tips.)

    Customer: “Oh, your tip jar is empty. Well here, you two can split this.” *drops money into jar*

    Me: “Thank you, have a good night!”

    Customer: “You too!”

    (I expected a dollar in the tip jar, but it was a $10 bill!)

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