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    Should Have Stayed Clear Of The Bottle

    | UK | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in a little cafe near my friend’s dojo. She often comes by after practice. A shifty looking man enters, approaches the counter, and pulls a knife.)

    Robber: “Empty the f****** till.”

    (I start to do so. I see my friend approaching through the window. It’s a cold day, so she’s wearing a hoody with her judo jacket over the top. I try and get her attention.)

    Robber: “Hurry the f*** up!”

    (I drop some money under the counter in my fear. I bend down to pick it up. The man rests his knife hand on the counter, and leans over to make sure I’m not phoning the police.)

    My Friend: “Everything okay?”

    Me: “Yeah… just… getting this man his change.”

    (My voice is shaking. She can tell something is up. She crosses to the fridge cabinet.)

    My Friend: “Oh, you’ve still got [brand drink]. It comes in a glass bottle! Just what I need after practice!”

    (She comes up behind the man and, without warning, slams the bottle down on the hand holding the knife. She slams hard enough to shatter the bottle. He screams, dropping the knife. He grabs for it with his other hand, but she wraps one arm around his throat and puts the broken bottle to the underside of his chin.)

    My Friend: “Don’t even think about it.”

    (I call the police, and the robber is arrested. My friend is warned about using excessive force, and given a lifetime supply of free drinks by my manager.)

    Too Much Black Coffee Puts You In The Red

    | AZ, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (Because we get such a large volume of customers, we make large urns of regular coffee out in the dining area. This is so customers don’t need to come to us for refills, and we can focus on the espresso orders. It is early in the morning, before we get many people; an elderly man walks in.)

    Me: “Good morning, what can I get you, sir?”

    Customer: *snaps* “Hellooooo?! I want a stupid cup of coffee. Gimme a decaf!”

    Me: “Alright, would you like a large or a small?”

    Customer: “Well, I get free refills, don’t I?! I can just pay for a small and drink as much as I want, right?”

    (I am a little shocked at his frank dishonesty.)

    Me: “Yes, sir, we leave the pots accessible to the customers on good faith. It operates on an honor system; technically there is no rule to prevent you from taking advantage of that.”

    (He pays a little over a dollar for his mug, then takes a seat. It is still pretty slow, so we haven’t sold much coffee. In about 45 minutes he storms up to the counter.)

    Customer: “What the h*** is it with you people? Your decaf is empty! And all the milk and cream is empty now, too!”

    Me: “Wow. We had a fresh urn put out less than an hour ago, and we’ve had hardly any customers beside you. I wonder how it could be empty already?”

    Customer: “Well you said I could drink as much as I wanted!”

    Me: “You managed to drink that much?!”

    (I turn to my manager.)

    Me: “How much coffee do those things hold?”

    Manager: “The standard is thirty cups.”

    Customer: “I paid my freaking dollar for bottomless coffee, and I want my money’s worth!”

    Manager: “Sir, I believe you’ve had your money’s worth and then some. When you abuse the free refill system, we end up not having any coffee for customers who actually compensate us, and it cuts into our profits. I don’t know how you could possibly have room for more, but I think it’s time to cut you off.”

    Customer: “My dollar pays all of your salaries! Without people like me, you would go out of business!”

    Manager: “If all our customers took advantage like you, we wouldn’t be able to cover our overhead. You drank several times the value what you paid for, so we’ve only lost money on this transaction.”

    Customer: “It’s people like you who are ruining the economy! Thanks for the crappy service!”

    (He storms out.)

    Me: “Wow. I’d say he needs to switch to decaf, but apparently that’s not working out for him.”

    The Darkest Coffee Lightens The Mood

    | Cleveland, OH, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    (We’ve just opened and I already have a long line, which is being held up by a customer whose drink I’ve remade three times, but he’s still not pleased. He’s been yelling at me for the last three minutes, and the entire line is started to get annoyed.)

    Customer #1: “How hard is it to make a d*** drink?”

    Me: “Sir, I’ve made your drink exactly how I was taught. If you would just—”

    Customer #1: “Then I guess you’re too f***ing stupid to make it right!”

    (He grows increasingly belligerent, swearing at me for another minute or so. However, Customer #2, a woman behind him, has had enough. She grabs him by the shoulder and physically turns him to look at her.)

    Customer #2: “Shut. The. F***. Up! I just had a f***ing baby! I’m on my period and PMS-ing! And I haven’t slept for three f***ing days! You are getting in between me and my coffee. Now take your d*** sissy drink and get the f*** out of my way, before I get angry!”

    (Everyone in the store is stunned at her outburst.)

    Customer #1: “But she didn’t—”

    Customer #2: *through her teeth* “She. Made. It. Right. LEAVE.”

    (He takes his drink and slinks out of the store. Everyone is still in shock when Customer #2 walks up to the counter.)

    Me: “Wha-what can I get you, ma’am?”

    Customer #2: “Large. Black.”

    Me: “Would you—”

    Customer #2: “No.”

    (I make her drink as quickly as is possible. I give her a smile as I hand it to her.)

    Me: “Have a wonderful day, and may I just say you look fantastic for just having had a baby.”

    Customer #2: *much sweeter now* “Thank you. You have a good day, too.”

    (She left a $20 tip!)

    Not A Breadwinning Idea

    | NC, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (An older man comes into the cafe and looks our menu over. We serve salads, sandwiches, and soup.)

    Customer: “I want a sandwich, but I don’t eat bread.”

    Me: “Hmm…”

    Customer: “I’m probably not going to have any luck with that, am I?”

    Me: “No, sir, I don’t think so.”

    Don’t Have A Cow, Ma’am

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Food & Drink

    (It’s my first day working in this cafe. It’s late in the afternoon and we are getting ready to close. I am in the back kitchen, cleaning, when I overhear this conversation between the waitress and a customer who has just walked in and is looking at the food we have left on display.)

    Waitress: “Hi! What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Don’t you have anything else vegetarian? All I can see are these quiches, and they look disgusting! Like they’ve been here for hours!”

    Waitress: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Normally we do have a few more vegetarian options; pasties and such, but as you can see, it’s almost the end of the day, so we’ve sold out of most things. But I can assure you that the quiches are baked fresh here and these ones are still fine to eat.”

    Customer: “Well, they look terrible. I’ll just have one of those pies.”

    Waitress: “Are you sure, ma’am? These are meat pies; they’re not vegetarian.”

    Customer: “Just give me a d*** pie!”

    (The waitress reluctantly bags up the pie and the customer pays for it and leaves in a huff. Sure enough, less than five minutes later, the customer returns.)

    Customer: “How dare you sell this to me! It’s not vegetarian! It’s got f***ing meat in it! What the f*** is wrong with you?!”

    Me: *to my fellow kitchen employees* “I’m going to love working here, aren’t I?”

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