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    Canada: America’s Hat, Part 7

    | Québec City, QC, Canada | Canada, Money, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

    (I work in a café in the old city in Québec, which is a very popular tourist destination. A couple approaches the counter.)

    Me: “Bonjour, hello.”

    Customer: “Hello! You take American money, right?”

    Me: “Ooh, I’m afraid not. Would you like to pay with a card? We take debit and credit.”

    Customer: “Why don’t you take American dollars?”

    Me: “Because this isn’t the United States.”

    Customer: “What are you talking about?!”

    Me: “Canada is a different country. May I ask where you’re visiting from?”

    Customer: “New Zealand.”

    Me: “Right, I thought I recognized the accent. Would you take it kindly if I came to your city and tried to use Australian dollars?”

    Customer: “NO!”

    Me: “Well, it’s the same deal here. Now would you like to pay with a card?”

    Customer: “CANADA IS PART OF THE UNITED STATES; YOU’RE ALL JUST IN DENIAL!”

    Related:
    Canada: America’s Hat, Part 6
    Canada: America’s Hat, Part 5
    Canada: America’s Hat, Part 4
    Canada: America’s Hat, Part 3
    Canada: America’s Hat, Part 2
    Canada: America’s Hat

    Sautéed Transmogrified Beef

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    Me: “Hello, [cafe], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, could you tell me what today’s special is?”

    Me: “Today we have a lamb steak with rice and greek potatoes.”

    Caller: “Is the lamb steak beef?”

    Must Have Coasted Through Her Geography Lessons

    | MA, USA | Food & Drink, Geography, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

    (It’s important to note this takes place in Massachusetts, on the east coast of the USA.)

    Tourist: “I’d like to get [coffee], and my daughter will have [more complicated coffee].”

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be [amount].”

    Tourist: “Oh, I left my money in my car. I’ll be back.”

    (She leaves, and I am forced to move on to the next customer. Her daughter waits patiently for a good 15-20 minutes. Then her mother returns. She rudely interrupts another customer.)

    Tourist: “Um, excuse me, WHY haven’t you made our drinks yet?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, there was a line—”

    Tourist: “I was here first! Now make our drinks, and I have to use your bathroom.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have a bathroom for customers.”

    Tourist: “WHEN YOU PAY FOR STUFF IN RESTAURANTS IN NEW JERSEY, WHERE I’M FROM, YOU CAN USE THE F***ING BATHROOM! GOD! This is why I NEVER come to the east coast!”

    (The tourist and her daughter depart, much to the dumbfounded disbelief of the customers remaining. I exchange glances with a customer.)

    Me: “…doesn’t she know New Jersey is on the east coast?”

    Their Granola Is Rockin’

    | NC, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (We have small bags of granola that is made in-house in front of the register with a sign saying that it is homemade. A customer picks one up after ordering and receiving his coffee.)

    Customer: “Oh wow, $2 for this?! It better be good granola!”

    Me: “Well we do make it in-house.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but how hard can it be? You’re not back there banging rocks or anything. What goes into it?”

    Me: “Well, you mix oats and honey with nuts. Then you have to bake—”

    Customer: “Oh, so you do make it yourself! That’s cool!”

    (The customer leaves.)

    Coworker: “What was that about?”

    Me: “Whether or not we bang rocks to make our granola?”

    Coworker: “Oh, of course.”

    Should Have Stayed Clear Of The Bottle

    | UK | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in a little cafe near my friend’s dojo. She often comes by after practice. A shifty looking man enters, approaches the counter, and pulls a knife.)

    Robber: “Empty the f****** till.”

    (I start to do so. I see my friend approaching through the window. It’s a cold day, so she’s wearing a hoody with her judo jacket over the top. I try and get her attention.)

    Robber: “Hurry the f*** up!”

    (I drop some money under the counter in my fear. I bend down to pick it up. The man rests his knife hand on the counter, and leans over to make sure I’m not phoning the police.)

    My Friend: “Everything okay?”

    Me: “Yeah… just… getting this man his change.”

    (My voice is shaking. She can tell something is up. She crosses to the fridge cabinet.)

    My Friend: “Oh, you’ve still got [brand drink]. It comes in a glass bottle! Just what I need after practice!”

    (She comes up behind the man and, without warning, slams the bottle down on the hand holding the knife. She slams hard enough to shatter the bottle. He screams, dropping the knife. He grabs for it with his other hand, but she wraps one arm around his throat and puts the broken bottle to the underside of his chin.)

    My Friend: “Don’t even think about it.”

    (I call the police, and the robber is arrested. My friend is warned about using excessive force, and given a lifetime supply of free drinks by my manager.)

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