I worked in a very popular, large, cool, and trendy beachside cafe in the 2000s. The owner was a South American Australian. He manned the coffee machine and took orders for coffee also. To the customer, he had no personality or sense of humor and would not speak unless spoken to. But to his staff and friends, he was a warm-hearted, intelligent, funny, fair, generous, and honest guy. Here are some quotes I can remember from him, all uttered with no expression on his face whatsoever, always.

Customer #1: “Could I have a double decaf, soy mochaccino, please?”

Boss: “Why?”

He would then just not make it, and when the customer came back asking where their coffee was, he would give their money back and point at the door.

Customer #2: “This latte isn’t hot enough. I asked for it to be very hot!”

Boss: “If you can hold it for five seconds, you can have it for free.”

They couldn’t.

Customer #3: “I’m not paying ten dollars for a pie.”

Boss: “You can have it for free if you promise never to come back.”

He delivered a plate of breakfast to an outdoor roadside table.

Customer #4: “I said no toast!”

[Boss] took the toast from the plate and frisbeed it into the back of a passing truck.

His actions made no difference to the popularity of his business at all. Even the most entitled jerks weren’t game to take him on. He was a true legend in hospitality; I tip my hat.

I used to go to this café most Saturday mornings for coffee, tea, cake, etc. One Saturday, a new hire served me my usual carafe of coffee. About ten minutes later, I saw [New Hire] clearing things from tables, but I didn’t pay much attention.

A minute or so later, I was about to pour more coffee from my carafe, but it had disappeared! I realised that [New Hire] must have cleared my carafe, even though it was still half-full. Looking over at the area where they deposit cleared-away items, I saw my carafe, so I rushed to reclaim it.

A week later, I ordered a panini. Some minutes later, I saw [New Hire] emerge with a panini and float through the café looking all around him. I assumed he was looking for me but just didn’t see me, or maybe it was for someone else, whatever. [New Hire] came floating back through, still carrying this panini, and I nodded to him to try to suggest it was me he was looking for, but my nod just didn’t register with him and he went back to the kitchen prep area. Thirty seconds later, he came through again, still with the panini, and this time, I spoke to him.

Me: “Hi, I think that might be mine!”

New Hire: “Weuerghe?”

He looked at me as if I were from another planet.

Then, he sailed right on, floating through with this panini. He came floating back, but before he reached my part of the café, he plonked it in front of a woman a few tables away. The woman looked gave the panini a baffled look, lifted up a corner with a knife, said something to her friend, stared back at the panini, and then started to eat it. She didn’t finish it.

I didn’t want to rush over to grab the panini, just in case it wasn’t actually mine after all, so I waited instead. About fifteen or twenty minutes went by and I’d still not been served. Then, I noticed the manager was at the counter.

Me: “Oh, hello. I ordered a cheese and chorizo panini about half an hour ago and it’s not arrived as yet.”

Manager: “Half an hour ago? That’s too long.”

[Manager] leafed through something.

Manager: “Looks like it got done, so I don’t know what happened to it. I can give you a refund, or do you still want one?”

Me: “I’d still like one, actually. I’m getting hungry now! Seriously, no problem with the wait. I just wondered what had happened as you’re… Actually, I did notice that [description of the new hire] was going round and round with a panini…”

[Manager] immediately closed his eyes, slumped his shoulders, turned his head away, and sighed. It was obvious from his body language that [New Hire] had screwed up before.

Manager: “Okay, I’m very sorry. I’ll do myself right now.”

I watched [Manager] take over the food prep area, working furiously, and very soon after, he came round with my panini.

Another week later, [New Hire] was still there, still fulfilling orders. I ordered an Earl Grey tea. When it arrived, it was clearly not Earl Grey. I took it back to the counter and told [New Hire], who didn’t say anything. He just stared at it stupidly. [Manager] overheard what I had said and ordered [New Hire] to make me an Earl Grey.

Another week later, [New Hire] was no longer there.

Our now extinct bookstore used to have these big black mesh shopping bags that customers could use to carry large purchases. They had the store name on the sides and a little tag saying, “Made In [Country].” None of them had price tags. Most of them were shop-worn. And we had to intervene a number of times when owners of yappy little dogs tried roaming the store with their precious little pee bags stuffed inside. No, lady, mesh bags do NOT conceal your snarling, yapping, squirming little “angel.”

Lady: “What do you mean, he can’t come inside?! It’s 100 degrees out!”

Manager: “Ma’am, we handle food in our café, and it is unsanitary to have any animal in the store.”

Lady: “I don’t plan on going into the café! I don’t understand why my dog is banned if it doesn’t go anywhere near the food!”

Manager: “Because whether you go into the café or not, it’s part of the store and therefore the ban on animals extends to the rest of the building.”

Lady: “Well then, he’s a service animal, and therefore it’s illegal to refuse him entry! So there!”

Manager: “I doubt that very much considering how misbehaved he’s been so far.”

A little girl passes by, minding her own business and aiming for some point past the scene. She is not running, screaming in a shrill voice, or taking any notice at all of the situation, but instead she is calmly rummaging through her small plastic purse to see if she can afford her selection.

It is at this point that the dog takes exception to the situation and launches itself half out of the black mesh carry bag, yapping and snarling and snapping violently at the very startled little girl, who begins crying.

Manager: “Ma’am, please control your dog and remove it from the premises.”

Lady: “HOW DARE YOU?!”

She catches the dog before it wiggles free of the bag to have a go at the child.

Lady: “You provoked my precious, sweet little Muffin, didn’t you?”

A fellow employee intercedes and gently pries the terrified, sobbing girl away from the shelf that she’s backed up against, risking being bitten by the little beast in an effort to put some distance between her and the situation.

Manager: “Ma’am, that girl was just walking by. Your dog is the aggressor. I suggest you remove that animal before we report it as being vicious for its unprovoked attack.”

The dog stops snarling and snapping and settles for incessant, shrill yapping.

Lady: “F*** you!” *Bark! Bark! Bark!* “My precious little—” *Yap! Yap! Yap!* “—Muffin is the—” *Bark! Bark!* “—spirit of gentility! That little b****—” *Yap! Yap! Yap! Yap!* “—provoked him somehow!”

Ironically, security escorted her off the premises, not because we called them, but because the dog’s shrill incessant yapping could be heard OUTSIDE by the passing security guard, who was well aware of our no-dogs policy.

The little girl was ultimately all right and we managed to calm her down with a cup of hot chocolate from the café (on the house). I can only imagine that the dog would have become a bony little football if Momma Bear had come onto the scene during the situation.

There’s this one customer that the owners know who comes in and tends to just get a cup of hot water for tea. I don’t know much about him as I just started working here. He has a strong cockney accent, but I have no idea if he’s even from London. I have this conversation with him.

Regular Customer: *To no one in particular* “I bloody wish I lived in the fourteenth century. The thirteenth and fourteen centuries were the good old days.”

Me: *Thinking he’s being funny* “How would you know? You weren’t around back then!”

Regular Customer: “But they didn’t have any laws back then! You could kill whoever you wanted!”

Me: “I guess we’ve developed moral codes since then.”

Regular Customer: “Back then, you could kill your kids. We should still be allowed to kill our kids. My daughters are so annoying. One of ’em is in New York, though, so I just have to get rid of the other one!”

I just turned and let him rant while I made the drinks for other tables.

My sister is craving a cheddar jalapeño bagel, so my mom decides to go to a chain café to get one for her. It is ten minutes before closing, and they go through the drive-thru. My mom orders the cheddar bagel for my sister, plus some other things for the rest of the people at home, including a coffee cake.

Employee: “You’re lucky; you’re getting the last ones of everything you’re ordering!”

My mom pulls up to the window to pay and receive the food, and the drive-thru gal — about nineteen — is crying and apologizing profusely.

Employee: “The people in front of you stole the food!”

Mom: “How did that happen?!”

Employee: “I made a mistake and I was about to give them the wrong order, but I realized my mistake before handing it over and said so out loud. They then reached out and grabbed the bag from me! They said, ‘You can’t have it back now; it’s cross-contaminated!’ And then, when I called for my manager, he was busy, and their order wasn’t ready yet, so I just had them pull up to wait for their food and they did.”

My mom is a really loving person, so she tries to reassure the employee.

Mom: “It’s okay, we don’t really need the food. And I’m not mad, really!”

In the meantime, the manager comes over to ask what is happening. The employee tells him and he is shocked.

Manager: “Is the [Car] parked out front the people who took the food?”

Employee: “Yes.”

He started going out to talk to the people in the car, and at that moment, they stepped on it and zipped out of the parking lot.

So now, those people had not only stolen my mom’s order, which were the last items, but they hadn’t even received their order! But the good news is that the manager had been saving a cheddar bagel for himself and gave it to my mom, free of charge.