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    Time For A New Brain

    , | Buffalo, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work for a cable company in a call center. This is the end of a conversation I have with a customer.)

    Me: “Anything else I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Oh, yes! I do have a question. There are these numbers on my cable box that keep changing. What are they? Like, right now, it says 5-4-7.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s the time.”

    Not In Ermurica

    , | Minnesota, USA | Bigotry

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], this is [name]. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Do you speak English?”

    Me: “Yes, I do. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Are you in Ermurica?”

    Me: “Yes, I am in America.”

    Caller: “You don’t sound like you’re an Ermurican. You sure you’re not in some Middle Eastern country like Australia?”

    (Note: I am a caucasian male from Minnesota and I speak like one.)

    Me: “No, I am in Minnesota, sir, speaking English. Is there an issue with your cable, or do you have–”

    Caller: “Minnesota?! How is that Ermurican?” *hangs up*

    From Couch Potato To Baked Potato

    | British Columbia, Canada |

    (Due to a large fire in our area, over 30,000 people are under mandatory evacuation until the fire can be brought under control.)

    Customer: “Where’s my technician? I was promised a technician today!”

    Me: “Well, your area is under a mandatory evacuation order due to a fire in the area. You should leave immediately if you’re still there. Our technician can’t get through the police roadblock to your home. We already called and left a message on your cell phone to advise you of this.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m here. Where’s my technician? Why can’t I turn any lights on?”

    Me: “The power to the affected areas has been cut deliberately due to the fire.”

    Customer: “Why can’t he get past the roadblock? Why didn’t you call my landline?”

    Me: “They’re not even letting people who live in the area enter the evacuation zone. We didn’t call your landline because no one should be home right now.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s not my problem. Sort it out!”

    Flipping Out

    | Georgia, USA | Technology, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “We just moved my grandmother’s TV and I think the cable has been disconnected at the outlet where we moved it. Could you send someone to reconnect it?”

    (Suddenly, the grandmother grabs the phone.)

    Caller’s grandmother: *yelling* “That is not what happened! The cable has been hooked to that outlet since the 70’s! You people just need to flip the little switch and turn it back on!”

    (The grandson gets back on the phone.)

    Caller: “I am so sorry. Please ignore her. I just need to set up an appointment for the technician to come out.”

    Me: “No problem. My grandmother can be like that too. I can have someone out on Tuesday.”

    Caller’s grandmother: *yelling in the background* “You are not listening! All they have to do is flip the switch! Don’t let them lie to you!”

    Caller: “Grams, when you moved the TV back in the ’80′s you had the cable disconnected from this outlet and reconnected at the other end.”

    Caller’s grandmother: “Now you’re lying! I’m going to make sure that I’m not here when they come out. This is ridiculous! Tell them not to come!”

    Me: “Tell her that our switch is broken here and we have to manually come out and flip it in her home. We’ll be there Tuesday.”

    (The grandson relays this information.)

    Caller’s grandmother: “Oh, okay then. I’ll see them Tuesday.”

    Caller, to me: “Bless you.”

    Sticky Situations

    | Kansas, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, yes. I accidentally ordered an on demand movie because my select button was stuck and as I was trying to unstick it, the movie got ordered and I need to stop it.”

    Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Just hit the stop button on the remote.”

    Customer: “Okay, it’s stopped.”

    Me: “And what was the name of the movie?”

    (Customer tells me the title of an adult movie.)

    Me: “So let me get this straight: in the process of unsticking your select button you pressed the down arrow 3 times, the right arrow 2 times, the right arrow again, and the down button 4 times?”

    Customer: *gasps* “You pervert!” *click*


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