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    Fresh Out Of Fresh

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    Customer: “Is this chicken fresh?”

    (I tap a huge sticker on the top of the meat case that says FRESH.)

    Customer: “Does that mean it’s fresh?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

    Me: “It is fresh, ma’am.”

    Customer: “How fresh is it?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

    Me: “It is.”

    (The case has four trays of chicken breast in it. She looks between the trays.)

    Customer: “Is this chicken fresher than this chicken?”

    Me: “No, I put them all in there at the same time.”

    Customer: “Well, this one looks fresher than that one. Are you sure this one isn’t fresher than that one?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Well this one looks fresher than that one. Can I see how fresh it is?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

    Me: “As I said, ma’am, it’s perfectly fresh.”

    Customer: “Can you get me the chicken that’s the most fresh? This one looks the most fresh. Definitely more fresh than that one. Can you get me the freshest one?”

    Me: “Absolutely. I know all about being fresh.”

    Customer: “Great!”

    (I grab the nearest chicken breasts and put two in a bag for her, seal it, price it, and hand it to her.)

    Customer: “This is the freshest, right? More fresh than the other ones?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

    Me: “I can assure you that I’ve been as fresh with you as I can get away with, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Great!”

    (She pays and walks out the door.)

    Coworker: “Jesus shoe-shining Christ, how many times did that lady say the word ‘fresh’?”

    Me: *shrugging* “I was really trying not to use a different F-word with her.”

    Needs To Clean Up Their Act

    | FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Customer: “Can you come around to the front of the case so I can show you which steaks I want?”

    (I could have gotten the steaks perfectly easily from behind the case, but I do as the customer asks. I put on my plastic gloves and open up the case from the front.)

    Customer: *reaching into the case with his bare hand* “I want this one right here and—”

    Me: *quickly putting my hand over the steak* “Sir, please don’t touch the steaks with your bare hands.”

    Customer: “I just want to feel the texture of them.”

    Me: “Texture? Sir, it’s meat.”

    Customer: “I mean I want to make sure it’s not all hard, like it’s been sitting out all day.”

    Me: “I can assure you these steaks were cut less than an hour ago and have been in our refrigerated case ever since then, sir. But if I let you touch them in there, that would be a health hazard.”

    Customer: *suddenly furious* “What do you mean, a health hazard?! My hands are clean! What do you think I am, some kind of slob sicko?!”

    (I can tell him several reasons why I can’t let him touch the steaks, no matter how clean he thinks his hands are. But I have a different idea.)

    Me: “I’m sure your hands are clean, sir. But let me ask you this. If the person in line ahead of you wanted to put their hands all over the steaks, would you want to buy one then?”

    Customer: “Ugh! No!”

    Me: “Well, there you go. That’s why I can’t let you do it either.”

    Customer: “But my hands are clean! My hands are CLEAN!”

    Putting The Loin In Tenderloin

    | Germany | Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a female butcher. The butchery/preparation room is separated from the service area. I bring out a customer their meat, which is a whole beef tenderloin. It comes to almost 49€ per kilo. A moment later the sales girl comes into the preparation room.)

    Sales Girl: “Hey, you just sold the customer some tenderloin for over 100€, right?”

    Me: “Yes I did; is there a problem? He wanted the whole tenderloin.”

    Sales Girl: “He’s saying he never ordered anything. The store manager just grabbed him at the register, because he knew that customer bought something, but he didn’t pay for anything.”

    Me: “Oh, but I sold him the whole tenderloin, and it’s vacuum-packed.”

    (The store manager walks up to the counter, with the customer in question. One of the customer’s trouser legs is a bit more ‘filled’ than the other.)

    Customer: “She’s lying! I never bought anything!”

    Me: “Sir, I sold you a whole beef tenderloin. And… I think you hid it in your trousers.”

    (The customer denies, but the store manager threatens to call the police. The customer drops his pants in front of all employees and customers. He pulls out the whole tenderloin, still vacuum packed, and throws it into my face, then storms out. We get rid of the package pretty fast, and I get an icepack for my nose!)

    Saved Him From Making A Big Mis-Steak

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Food & Drink

    (A regular walks in.)

    Me: “Good day, sir. What can I help you with today?”

    Regular: “I’d like seven pounds of lamb.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Got a party planned?”

    Regular: “My brother and his family is coming to visit. Oh, and my son is bringing his girlfriend over. She’s a vegetarian, so throw in some chicken too, I guess.”

    Me: “Sir, if she’s a vegetarian, she doesn’t eat meat.”

    Regular: “Wait, you mean she doesn’t eat any meat at all? Not even chicken?”

    Me: “Not even chicken, sir.”

    Regular: “But… is that even possible?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, it’s possible. Here’s your meat. I suggest you drop by a grocery store and buy something green for your son’s girlfriend. Enjoy your dinner!”

    Regular: “Thank you.”

    (He starts muttering as he leaves.)

    Regular: “No meat! Some people are so strange.”

    Hopefully, That’ll Be The End Of That Customer

    | MD, USA | Awesome Customers, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    Customer #1: “I hope this is better than last time! My last ham was salty and had too much fat!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that. We do have a guarantee on flavor, so if you—”

    Customer #1: “Never mind, it was a while ago. I want a 10 pound shank.”

    Me: “Okay, let me get one.”

    (I pull a ham about that size from the refrigerator, put it on the counter in front of her and unwrap the foil.)

    Customer #1: “No! No! That has way too much fat! See right there!”

    (I look down at where she is pointing and note it is a normal deposit found in all hams. I decide it’s not worth arguing.)

    Me: “Okay, let me get another.”

    (I do so, but she’s still not satisfied.)

    Customer #1: “No, that’s not any good either! It has too much fat!”

    (This repeats several times, as I show her a total of nine other ham shanks, all of which, predictably, have the same small fat deposit. I’m literally running out of hams to show her. Customer #2, a man standing behind her in line, has been quiet but has been getting increasingly agitated.)

    Customer #1: “What is with this place! All these hams have fat!”

    (Customer #2 finally snaps.)

    Customer #2: “Of course it has fat, you moron! It’s a pig’s a** cheek!”

    Customer #1: *stunned* “It is?”

    Customer #2: “Yes! He’ll tell you!” *points at me*

    Me: “Well yes, ham comes from the, uh, hind end of a pig.”

    Customer #1: “Oh my God, that’s disgusting! I’m never buying this again!”

    (She storms out, and Customer #2 steps up to the counter.)

    Customer #2: “Finally. One 12-pound pig a** cheek, please.”


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