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    Ooh, I’m Quaking In My Oats

    | USA | Food & Drink

    (This happened to a coworker of mine, who is a bus driver. It is against policy to let food on the bus, and there is a sign that clearly states this.)

    Passenger: *tries to get on the bus with a giant bowl of oatmeal*

    Coworker: “Sir, I’m sorry, but you can’t take that oatmeal on the bus.”

    Passenger: “What?! Why?”

    Coworker: “There’s no food allowed on the bus.”

    Passenger: “I won’t spill!”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry, but there’s still no food on the bus.”

    Passenger: “Well…YOU’RE UGLY!”

    From The Mouth Of Babes

    | Sydney, Australia |

    (While driving a bus, I overhear this conversation between a mother and her child right after a police car had driven by with lights and siren blaring.)

    Child: “Mum, is that police car coming for us?”

    Mother: “No, why?”

    Child: “Because you told the bus driver I’m three and I’m really four.”

    Bus(ted)

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (A woman enters the bus with her son.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Your son didn’t pay the fare.”

    Customer: “But children are free!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Children’s fare is currently at seventy-five cents.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not paying that! It’s free!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you’ve been misinformed. Children still have to pay a fare to ride the bus.”

    Customer: “No they don’t! You’re just trying to scam me!”

    Me: “The fare box is locked, and is only accessed at the end of my shift, when I’m long gone.”

    Customer: *pointing to the fare box* “You’re lying! This thing opens right up!”

    Me: “If you can open it, your son can ride free.”

    (The customer proceeds to struggle with the box for some minutes.)

    Customer: “Seventy five cents, you said?”

    The Chump With The Hump Under Her Rump

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    (I’m bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

    Bus driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

    Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

    Bus driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

    Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the ass cheek divider?”

    Bus driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

    Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

    Bus driver: “Well, ma’am, your …pleasure… will have to wait.”

    Driving Miss Crazy

    | Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada | Top

    (I was coming home on the bus and overheard a conversation between an elderly lady and the bus driver.)

    Lady: “Oof! Do you mind?! You’re so awful!”

    Bus Driver: “I’m sorry, ma’am? What’s the problem?”

    Lady: “You keep starting and stopping the bus! I keep falling forward and backward, and it’s taking so long for me to get home. It’s getting dark!”

    Bus Driver: “Well, I’m sorry ma’am – I have to stop at the designated stops.”

    Lady: “Stop making excuses! There’s no reason to be doing this. Just ignore the stops!”

    Bus Driver: “So you want me to ignore all the other people wanting to get on the bus?”

    Lady: “Well, yes! Finally you understand! You can go back afterwards and get them! Is it so much to ask for good help anymore?!”

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