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    The Honest Crook

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (I work in the music section of a bookstore. One day, we caught one of our regulars shoplifting and banned him. The very next day, he walks in as if nothing happened.)

    Me: “Dude, you aren’t allowed to be here. You were banned.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “You stole a CD from me.”

    Customer: “But I gave it back!”

    If Dr. Phil Has Hair, I’m A Friggin’ Sasquatch

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for that book by the guy with the hair.”

    Me: “The…guy with the hair?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I saw it on TV this morning. It has a red cover, I think…”

    Me: “What was it about?”

    Customer: “Ummm…I think it was about losing weight?”

    Me, making an intuitive leap: “Was it The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution by Dr. Phil McGraw?”

    Customer: “That’s it!”

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    Why Don’t We Stamp It On Your Forehead
    Egocentrism Meets Geocentrism
    You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
    (Telepathic) Help Wanted

    Oooh, Red And Rectangular…

    | Beckley, WV, USA |

    Lady Customer on the Phone: “Hi, I saw this book on television and I was hoping you’d have it in stock…”

    Me: “Why sure, ma’am. Just if you can give me some more details, I will look it up in our computer.”

    Customer: “Well it was on Oprah recently, and it was a red book. And it had an award for it or something.”

    (I check through our database of books that were recently shown on TV…nothing comes up that remotely fits that description.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not seeing anything on our computer. Our company gets a list of books that are on television recently, and I can’t seem to find it. May I ask when you saw the particular episode?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it was about five…maybe six-ish…years ago. Come on, do your f***ing job. I already told you it was red! Find it already!”

    Me: “Um, I’m sorry ma’am, but this only lists books that were shown within the past two to three months. I can do a normal search if you can give me any other details, such as the author or genre–”

    (She cuts me off.)

    Customer: “**** you! It’s RED! It’s rectangular! DO YOUR JOB AND FIND IT FOR ME OR I’LL HAVE YOU FIRED! YOU’LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!”

    (At this point I just stop talking and handed the phone to the manager on duty. I could hear the woman still frothing at the mouth, even as I walked quickly away from the phone! From what I hear, of course we never figured out what it was, but she hung up eventually screaming all the while she’d have our store torn down for being such incompetent people.)

    Those Oh-So Subtle Distinctions

    | Petoskey, MI, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am, is there anything I can help you find?”

    Customer: “Yes. I need to find a book on rodents.”

    Me: “Rodents?”

    Customer: “Yes, I have some little creature running around my garage and I need to know what it is. I think it might be a vulva.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “You know, it’s small and looks like a mole or a hamster. A vulva.”

    Me: “I think you mean a ‘vole’.”

    Customer: “Oh right, that’s it. Do you have any books on voles?”

    At Least She Has The General Idea

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    Bored teen girl (between snapping her chewing gum): “Yeah–I’m looking for this book, When I Drop Dead?”

    Me: “I can’t seem to find it in the system. Do you know who the author is?”

    Bored teen girl: “I dunno. Flooker or Flocker or something.”

    *A light goes on in my head*

    Me: “Do you mean AS I LAY DYING, by WILLIAM FAULKNER??”

    Her: *explosive sigh* “Yeah. Whatever. That.”

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