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    Not Acting Their Sunday Best

    | IN, USA | At The Checkout, Books & Reading, Crazy Requests, Religion

    (I work in a shop that exclusively sells Christian books, music, and church supplies. The store is, strangely, open on Sundays.)

    Me: “All set? Did you find everything you needed today?”

    Customer: “I did. Thank you.”

    (She places a large stack of items on the counter. I’m halfway through ringing them up when she speaks up.)

    Customer: “I can’t believe you’re open on Sundays.”

    Me: “The owner believes it’s convenient for customers who can’t make it during the week, so it’s no hassle.”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t be open! This is the Lord’s day!”

    Me: “We do have reduced hours on Sundays so the employees can attend church. I came straight to work from a service at [local church] this morning.”

    Customer: “No! You should be closed today in honor of the Lord’s day!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if we were closed today, how would you get these things you’re buying right now?”

    (The customer blinks in surprise and stares at her purchases. Then she scowls and thrusts a credit card at me.)

    Customer: “It doesn’t matter! You should be closed on Sundays! Now do your job and ring me up!”

    Understaffed But Not Understood

    | Greensboro, NC, USA | At The Checkout, Books & Reading, Crazy Requests

    (On the day before Father’s Day, with a huge sale going on, the coworker who is supposed to come in to work with me doesn’t show up. I am swamped and can’t answer any phone calls. I just stay at the counter ringing people up. We are so busy that I don’t have time to call any of my coworkers to see if they can come in to cover the shift. There is only about half an hour until two other coworkers are coming in, so I just do my best until then. With a line about ten customers long, a customer comes storming up to the register and interrupts the conversation I’m having with the customer currently at my register.)

    Customer: “I need some help! Where is the employee who should be working the sales floor right now?”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but no one else is here right now. If you’ll kindly wait in line, I’d be glad to help you shortly.”

    Customer: “What?! This is outrageous! You should have more than one person working! Everyone knows that is just good business!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, there was a scheduling mix-up. I’m the only one here right now.”

    Customer: “But I need one of you to help me find something! What am I supposed to do? That’s what you all get paid to do! I am very busy and I need to get my Father’s Day gifts bought! I don’t have all day! Really, on a holiday, you should have more than one person working!”

    (Since the customer isn’t listening to me, I just turn back to serving the line at the counter. I finish the next customer, and try to explain the schedule issue again, but she’s not having any of it. One of our regular customers is standing nearby at a sale table and finally speaks up.)

    Regular Customer: “Ma’am, what is wrong with your hearing? She just explained to you that her coworker didn’t show up! I think she’s doing a remarkable job handling all of this by herself. You are just making things worse!”

    Customer: “All I need is to see if they have these items in stock! Can’t she see I am in a hurry?”

    Regular Customer: “As are most of us. It’s a busy holiday at a popular store. What do you expect? When people don’t show up to do their jobs it makes it harder on the rest of their coworkers, especially when there’s only one other person working!”

    Customer: “But—”

    Regular Customer: “Now, I don’t work here, but I shop here often. In favor of giving everyone in line and this poor employee a break, I’m going to help you find what you need. But only so you leave us all alone!”

    (I thank the regular and the two disappear into the back of the store. The customers in line make some comments. A moment later, the original customer storms to the front and out the door. I turn to the regular customer as she returns.)

    Me: “What happened?”

    Regular Customer: “You didn’t have the item she wanted. Her sale flyer was for the bookstore down the street.”

    Gifted At Bad Gift Wrapping

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | At The Checkout, Holidays, Love/Romance, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Would you like me to gift wrap that for you?”

    Customer: “Yes. But can you make it look a bit crap so my girlfriend thinks I did it?”

    Wait Until She Hears The Truth About Santa

    | MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer walks into the store, explaining ‘Elf on the Shelf’ to her sister. It is a toy resembling one of Santa’s elves, who sits on a shelf in a child’s room.)

    Customer: “You tell the kids he’s watching them. At night, he flies back to the North Pole to tell Santa if they’re being good. Then you put him someplace else, like he moved while they were sleeping.”

    (The customer sees that we have the plush stuffed elf.)

    Customer: “This is the one they can take to bed. You can’t touch the other one or he loses his magic and can’t fly to the North Pole anymore.”

    Customer’s Sister: “How can you move him around if you can’t touch him?”

    Customer: “…he’s not really magic.”

    Don’t Be Forward, Just Lean Forward

    | Springfield, VA, USA | Books & Reading, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (A customer with rather large breasts approaches me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me; can you help me please?”

    Me: “Of course, ma’am. What can I help you find today?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for books about plastic surgery.”

    Me: “Ah, I see. Well, let’s just look on the computer and see what we can come up with. Do you have a particular area you’re interested in reading about?”

    Customer: “I bet you can’t guess!”

    Me: “I wouldn’t want to be forward!”

    Customer: “Well, breast reduction surgery, then. Shy, aren’t you?”

    Me: “Just a little, yes. Let’s see what I can find.”

    Customer: “I’m always having back problems! These are just too big; I want to see if I can get them smaller.”

    Me: “It’s probably best to check with a doctor first, but maybe we can find something that will help you know what questions to ask.”

    Customer: “Well, don’t you agree they’re too big?”

    Me: “Er, again, I wouldn’t like to be forward.”

    Customer: “Oh, come on. You can touch them and see how big they are for yourself!”

    Me: “WHAT!”

    Customer: “C’mon, touch ‘em!”

    (The customer reaches for my wrist.)

    Me: “No, that’s okay!”

    Customer: “TOUCH MY PUPPIES!”

    Me: “Let me see if I can find someone more experienced with this.”

    Customer: “Why won’t shy guys touch my breasts!?”

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