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    Shopping Amongst The Commoners

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    Customer: “I’m here to pick up a book I ordered.”

    Me: “Did you receive a card saying it was in?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Great, let me get it for you. What’s your last name?”

    Customer: *gives last name*

    Me: *goes to special order shelf, behind the cashwrap, to find the book*

    Customer: *comes behind the cashwrap and looks too*

    Me: “Sir, I need to ask you to step back in front of the registers. This is a secure area.”

    Customer: *ignores, keeps looking*

    Me: “Sir, please step back! We don’t allow customers in this area!”

    Customer: *grumbles, steps back*

    Me: *finds book, completes sale*

    Customer: *leaves*

    Coworker, laughing: “Do you know who that was?”

    Me: “Well…he looked familiar.”

    Coworker: “That was the governor! You just bossed the governor around!”

    (I felt a little silly for not recognizing him, but he hadn’t been governor for long, had a common last name and looked like every other rich, entitled guy who ever came into the store.)

    Vague Question, Meet Vague Answer

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for non-fiction.”

    Me: “What kind?”

    Customer: “Just non-fiction.”

    Me: “Okay…do you want history? Or science? Psychology?
    Business?”

    Customer: “No, just NON-FICTION!”

    Me: “Ma’am, most of the store is non-fiction. You’ll have to be more specific.”

    Customer: “Don’t you get it? I just want some non-fiction!”

    Me: “All right. Do you see over there, where it says ‘Fiction?’”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “All the books but those. Good luck.”

    Sophocles, World’s First Toilet Humorist

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    (It was summer reading time for the high schoolers near our store. This girl comes in, smacking her gum and looking rather bored.)

    Girl: “I need this book, it’s called… something like Ode to Pus or something.”

    Me: “Ode… to Pus?”

    Girl: “Yeah its by some guy named So-fo-Kulls?”

    Me:“You mean… you need to read Oedipus by Sophocles?”

    Girl: “Yeah, yeah. Ode to Pus by that guy.”

    (I’ve never laughed so hard in my entire life.)

    The Broad Who Was Too Broad

    | Pontiac, MI, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Great–any book in particular, or a specific genre? We’ve got a large selection, and are able to order almost any book from our warehouse if we don’t have it in stock.”

    Customer: “I just saw it on TV this morning, and I knew it would change my life.”

    Me: “Uh…ok, was it on Oprah?”

    Customer: “No, it was on that other show.”

    Me: “Okay, do you remember the title or author?”

    Customer: “NO! IT WAS ON THE TV!”

    Me: “It’s very difficult to look for a book without a title or author. Do you remember what it was about? Was it a religious book? We might be able to search the shelves.”

    Customer: “IT WAS ON THE TV THIS MORNING! GEEZ!”

    Me: “I understand that, ma’am. Can you give me anything that might help me help you find the book?”

    Customer: “Where is the book? I’d know it if I saw it. It’s got a red cover.”

    Me: “Well–tell you what. I’m not able to help you find it today, but feel free to look around.”

    Customer: “Why can’t you help me? IT WAS ON TV! DON’T YOU PEOPLE WATCH TV?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I work in a bookstore. I like to READ.”

    Customer: “FINE! I’LL GO SOMEWHERE WHERE THEY KNOW WHAT I WANT!”

    (The customer storms off as my manager comes out and tells me she’s glad that I handled that; we both break into laughter.)

    No Pink Bunnies, But Plenty Of Jackasses

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (During Christmas season, our large bookstore gets awfully busy. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Hello, this is ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Sure, I can help you out. Do you know the title?”

    Customer: “Okay, so the book is about a bunny rabbit and I used to read it when I was a kid. It had a pink cover.”

    Me: “…do you know the title, maybe?”

    Customer: “Look, I’m very busy and I need this book for my kid. It’s about a bunny and the cover is pink. How many pink bunny books can there possibly be? Go look for it!”

    Me: “Sir, we have no option in our search system regarding book covers–”

    Customer: “Look. Go f***ing find it. I’m very busy!”

    Me: “Sure, let me put you on hold for a little bit.” *click*

    (Later, I found out that a customer came in looking for a pink bunny book and a ‘fruity sounding’ bookseller. I’m a girl.)

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