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    I Sense A Schism

    | Gulfport, MS, USA |

    (I work for a bookstore that sells bibles. We get a lot of interesting customers that call…)

    Me: “***, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Do you have the book of Chronicles?”

    Me: “Do you want a commentary for it?”

    Customer: “No. You know, the book of Chronicles that they talk about in the bible. Do you have that?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Have you ever read a bible?”

    Me: “Yes, I have…”

    Customer: “Well, I’m looking for the book of Chronicles.”

    Me: “Let me search our computer system and see if I can find something.” *I pretend to search the computer* “The only thing I can find is the actual books in the bible called first and second Chronicles.”

    Customer: “Do y’all have that in the store? Where’s it at?”

    (I pull a bible off the shelf and tell him the exact location of the books.)

    Customer: “I’ve never seen that in any of my bibles.”

    Me: “Sir, these two books have been in here for over 2,000 years.”

    Customer: “Not in any bible I’ve read!”

    (After the customer finally hung up, I asked my manager to shoot me.)

    Employee Of The Year

    | Melbourne, Australia | Top

    Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Were you after a particular book?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “What was the title?”

    Customer: “I can’t remember.”

    Me: “Do you know who the author is?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Do you remember what it’s about?”

    Customer: “I saw it recently…”

    Me: “Can you tell me anything at all about it?”

    Customer: “It had a nondescript cover.”

    Me: “…”

    (And I found it!)

    When You’re A Brand W**re, Every Cent Counts

    , | Long Island, NY, USA |

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $2.00.”

    Customer: *shocked* “What? The sign said $1.85! How can it be $2.00?”

    Me: “Yeah, $1.85 plus 15 cents for tax.”

    Customer: *sighs loudly and opens up her Chanel bag to take two dollars out of her Gucci wallet*

    Old Dames Have The Best Backhands

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    Old Lady: “And how old are you, about sixteen?”

    Me: “I’m twenty-seven years old, ma’am.”

    Old Lady: “But… you’re so pretty!”

    Me: “Er, thanks.”

    (I guess I should try harder to look ugly from now on.)

    Shopping Amongst The Commoners

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    Customer: “I’m here to pick up a book I ordered.”

    Me: “Did you receive a card saying it was in?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Great, let me get it for you. What’s your last name?”

    Customer: *gives last name*

    Me: *goes to special order shelf, behind the cashwrap, to find the book*

    Customer: *comes behind the cashwrap and looks too*

    Me: “Sir, I need to ask you to step back in front of the registers. This is a secure area.”

    Customer: *ignores, keeps looking*

    Me: “Sir, please step back! We don’t allow customers in this area!”

    Customer: *grumbles, steps back*

    Me: *finds book, completes sale*

    Customer: *leaves*

    Coworker, laughing: “Do you know who that was?”

    Me: “Well…he looked familiar.”

    Coworker: “That was the governor! You just bossed the governor around!”

    (I felt a little silly for not recognizing him, but he hadn’t been governor for long, had a common last name and looked like every other rich, entitled guy who ever came into the store.)

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