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    Literary Emergency

    | New Jersey, USA | Top

    (During a busy day right before Christmas, a woman comes up to my register, cutting the entire line, and slaps a gift card down on the counter.)

    Customer: “I need fifty dollars on this gift card.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a line and I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Excuse me?” ‘

    Customer: “I’ve been waiting here before any of these people got here! I NEED THIS GIFT CARD NOW!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I just can’t do that. You’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

    Customer: “Now you’re just pretending you didn’t see me just so you can be a little b**** and tell me no! I want to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need to yell. I was busy with customers and didn’t see you standing there. I apologize for that, but I really must ask you to wait in line.”

    Customer: “NO! You little b****! You don’t understand! I am a nurse! This is for a patient!”

    Me: “My answer won’t change.”

    Customer: “This is for a patient! It’s Christmas! Don’t you have a f****** heart?! Where is your Christmas spirit?!”

    Me: “I’m Jewish.”

    Customer: “Put fifty dollars on this gift card before I get you fired! This is for a patient and he is dying! I need it now!”

    Me: “…if he’s dying, what the h*** is he going to do with a gift card?”

    (She stalked off angrily when she saw not only my manager, but the police coming towards her. By the way, I got a raise after that.)

    Not So Dead She Can’t Come Back And Wring Your Neck

    | Lakewood, CO, USA |

    (A dad and two little kids–one boy and one girl–are buying books. Both of the kids were paying with gift cards.)

    Customer: “… and you have your late great grandma Miriam to thank for all these books!”

    Customer’s little boy: *happily, to coworker* “She’s DEAD!”

    All The World’s A Book

    | Scotland, UK |

    Customer: “Excuse me, I’m wondering if you can help me?”

    Me: “Sure, how can I help?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Right, what book is that?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a dictionary.”

    (I take the customer to the dictionary section, but she shakes her head.)

    Customer: “No, it’s not a dictionary, it’s just a book.”

    Me: “Well, I’m afraid I need to know a bit more than that to find it for you.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s not a book, it’s a box.”

    Me: “A box?”

    Customer: “Not really, it’s kind of a box and you put things in it. Like a box.”

    Me: “So it’s not a book?”

    Customer: “Yes, it is also a book.”

    (Turns out she was looking for a safe.)

    Stairway To Nowhere

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but I can’t seem to find the stairs to your second floor.”

    Me: “Ah, well ma’am, that’s probably because we don’t have a second floor.”

    Customer: “Yes you do, I’ve shopped here for 5 years. I’ve been to your second floor several times. If you look at this store from the outside, you can see that it’s big enough to house a second floor.”

    Me: “But there are no windows to show the second floor. No ma’am, we have that high ceiling instead. We never had a second floor.

    Customer: “YES YOU DO! Now stop screwing around with me and tell me where it is!”

    Manager: *overhearing this conversation* “Ma’am, I’ve worked here since our store opened 10 years ago. We’ve NEVER had a second floor.”

    Customer: “You’re lying! Tell me where the stairs are or I’m going to report your behavior to your corporate offices!”

    We Only Have The Other Kind

    | Kansas, USA |

    Customer: “How much are your large-print Bibles?”

    Me: “Various prices – what version are you looking for?”

    Customer: “A Holy Bible.”

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