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    Talking S*** Behind Someone’s Back 101

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “I need to buy something for my 12 year old niece. I’d like a classic.”

    (I show her the classics.)

    Customer: “Oh! The Little Princess! What’s this about?”

    (I tell her the story.)

    Customer: “Sounds good…” *turns to her daughter* “So honey, we’re buying this for Monica, because she’s a spoiled brat, her parents treat her like a princess, and we want her to learn what it’s like to have nothing! Doesn’t that sound good?”

    Playing Hide And Don’t Seek

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Bookstore customer: “Do you have the CD, Lord Lift Our Voices Up On High, Volume 11?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t have it. We do have Volumes 9 and 10. I can show you where they are.”

    Customer: “No, no, I already have those. I like them. Do you have God Loves America, Volume 12?”

    Me: “Let me check… yes! We have that one. I can show you.”

    Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 11?”

    Me: “Yes. I can show–”

    Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 10?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer:Volume 9?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (This continues until we get to Volume 3.)

    Me: “Would you like to know about Volumes 1 and 2?”

    Customer: “No, I have those. I like them. Have you heard them?”

    Me: “No… so, let me just get these CDs for you.”

    Customer: “No thanks.”

    (I’ve been helping her for nearly 20 minutes, and suspect she has mental issues; thankfully, she goes away. Ten minutes later, I hear the same customer speak up loudly behind me.)

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want to go to the doctor tomorrow, but they tell me I have to.”

    Me: “Oh, uh, ehrm… yeah?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Colonoscopy. I don’t want to, but they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from.”

    Me: *whimpers*

    (At this point, I leave the music department and hide between the far right security sensor and a book display just outside it. The store manager walks by and sees me.)

    Manager: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Hiding from a customer who was telling me about her upcoming colonoscopy! She says they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from!”

    Manager: “You can stay.”

    At Least He’s Being Honest

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, where are your graphic novels?”

    Me: “Graphic novel section? If you’ll just follow me, I ca–”

    Customer: “No. Graphic novels.”

    Me: “Graphic novels. Right this way–”

    Customer: “No! Graphic novels!”

    Me: “Graphic novels.”

    Customer: “No… graphic novels!”

    (A moment of silence passes…)

    Customer: “Sorry, I’m feeling contrary.”

    Related:
    At Least She’s Being Honest

    Oooh, So That’s What Marriage Is For

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A guy has been leaning over the counter trying to chat me up while I rang up his purchases. Finally, he notices the rings on my finger.)

    Customer: “Oh, you’re married?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Don’t you find that puts guys off?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    The Blind Leading The Blind

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

    (I’m helping an elderly customer look for a book when some guy interrupts, speaking gibberish. I can’t understand what he’s saying at all.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, could you try to describe it?”

    Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

    (The elderly customer apparently understands and begins speaking to the guy.)

    Elderly customer: *gibberish*

    Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

    Elderly customer, to me: “Music books?”

    Me: “Over there.”

    Elderly customer: *gibberish*

    Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

    Elderly customer, to me: “Where?”

    Me: “In the corner.”

    Elderly customer: *gibberish*

    Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

    (The gibberish guy leaves.)

    Me: “Uh, thanks for the translation.”

    Elderly customer: “Oh, I speak a little of everything.”

    Me: “What language were they speaking?”

    Elderly customer: “I don’t know.”

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