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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    (Little Red Riding) In The ‘Hood

    | Roanoke, VA, USA |

    Me: “Hello ma’am, what can I do for you?”

    Woman: “Well, I’m looking for a book to get my daughter reading, but I’m not sure where to look.”

    Me: “Okay, what does your daughter like?”

    Woman: “She really likes ghosts…and gangs.”

    Me: “?”

    Woman: “Oh, she’s a gang member.”

    Me: “Um…”

    (A tiny, little white girl in a wife beater hops up to the desk.)

    Girl: “Yo, mama, you find me a d*mn book yet?”

    Me: “…true crime?”

    (So, I help them find a book about gang wars, because I guess that fits both stipulations and take them to the register. My manager is working the register and tells me that he used to be really good friends with the mother. After I tell him that she said her little girl was a gang member he tells me that “they both were always a little stupid.”)

    Urine Way Over Your Head

    | Durham, NC, USA | Top

    (I was in the ladies room during a shift, wearing a skirt. This is key.)

    Woman, in stall next to mine: “You’re not wearing any pants!”

    (I ignore her, thinking she’s on the phone.)

    Woman: *starts banging on the wall between us* “You’re not wearing any pants!”

    Me: “…I’m…sorry?”

    Woman: “You! You’re not wearing any pants!” *bangs some more*

    Me: “And you know this how?”

    Woman: “I can see your legs! They’re bare! You’re not wearing any pants!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m wearing a *skirt*.”

    (The woman stops banging on the wall, and is completely silent. I never got to know what she thought of a woman wearing a skirt.)

    Hogwarts: The Continuing Education Years

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    (It’s the Harry Potter Midnight party. Customers are dressed as characters from the book. Most are children, but there are also some overly enthusiastic/creepy adults wandering around.)

    Lone Witch Lady: “This is so exciting! What are you doing with the boxes that the books came in? Can I have one?”

    Me: “I don’t see why not, but I’ll have to ask my manager.” *asks manager* “I’m sorry, we have to keep them for inventory.”

    Lone Witch Lady: “Are you sure? My cats would love one. ”

    Me: “Your…cats? Would they seriously love a Harry Potter cardboard box more than a plain cardboard box?”

    Lone Witch Lady: “Oh, yes!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we can’t give them away. Um, have you tried the Bertie Bots Bean Counting Contest?”

    Lone Witch Lady: “Ooh!” *scampers off*

    Like Comic Book Guy, Except Much Prettier

    , | Missouri, USA | Top

    (Background: I’m the only female employee at the comic/card shop, and I was hired for my comic knowledge.)

    Customer, to my male co-worker: “Did Booster Gold have a series before the new series?”

    (Male coworker looks to me because he’s the card guy.)

    Me: “Yeah. Early nineties. We’ve got a couple of back issues in the dollar box.”

    Customer, to my male coworker: “So you guys have it?”

    Coworker: “If she says we have it, we have it.”

    Customer, finally looking at me: “Oh, you know about comics?”

    Me: “That’s why they hired me.”

    Customer: “But you’re a girl!”

    And They Wonder Why Customer Service Is Slow

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “WHERE ARE MY BOOKS?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I had a big pile of books and I put them on that bench and now they’re gone!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry about that ma’am. See, a lot of customers just leave books around the store so we regularly walk around and put away books that are left out.”

    Customer: “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”

    Me: “To keep the store in some kind of logical order. What books were they? I’ll help you find them again.”

    Customer: “I don’t REMEMBER! You tell ME what books they were!”

    Me: “I have no idea what books you had ma’am, but I can walk around the store with you and see if we can jog your memory.”

    Customer: “I have foot problems! I’m very old! I can’t walk around the store all over again! Find my books!”

    (At this point a manager intervenes and between him and 3 other employees we actually find all 7 of the books this lady wanted. She didn’t say thank you, proceeds to walk around the store without any problem, leaves the books on the same bench again and then leaves the store without buying anything.)


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