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    Not So Dead She Can’t Come Back And Wring Your Neck

    | Lakewood, CO, USA |

    (A dad and two little kids–one boy and one girl–are buying books. Both of the kids were paying with gift cards.)

    Customer: “… and you have your late great grandma Miriam to thank for all these books!”

    Customer’s little boy: *happily, to coworker* “She’s DEAD!”

    All The World’s A Book

    | Scotland, UK |

    Customer: “Excuse me, I’m wondering if you can help me?”

    Me: “Sure, how can I help?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Right, what book is that?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a dictionary.”

    (I take the customer to the dictionary section, but she shakes her head.)

    Customer: “No, it’s not a dictionary, it’s just a book.”

    Me: “Well, I’m afraid I need to know a bit more than that to find it for you.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s not a book, it’s a box.”

    Me: “A box?”

    Customer: “Not really, it’s kind of a box and you put things in it. Like a box.”

    Me: “So it’s not a book?”

    Customer: “Yes, it is also a book.”

    (Turns out she was looking for a safe.)

    Stairway To Nowhere

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but I can’t seem to find the stairs to your second floor.”

    Me: “Ah, well ma’am, that’s probably because we don’t have a second floor.”

    Customer: “Yes you do, I’ve shopped here for 5 years. I’ve been to your second floor several times. If you look at this store from the outside, you can see that it’s big enough to house a second floor.”

    Me: “But there are no windows to show the second floor. No ma’am, we have that high ceiling instead. We never had a second floor.

    Customer: “YES YOU DO! Now stop screwing around with me and tell me where it is!”

    Manager: *overhearing this conversation* “Ma’am, I’ve worked here since our store opened 10 years ago. We’ve NEVER had a second floor.”

    Customer: “You’re lying! Tell me where the stairs are or I’m going to report your behavior to your corporate offices!”

    We Only Have The Other Kind

    | Kansas, USA |

    Customer: “How much are your large-print Bibles?”

    Me: “Various prices – what version are you looking for?”

    Customer: “A Holy Bible.”

    Always Imitated, Never Duplicated

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have a copy of **** in stock?”

    Me: “Yes, we do. Would you like me to put it on hold for you?”

    Customer: “Yes. Also, I was emailed a coupon that I’d like to use to buy that book, but my printer is broken. Is there anything you can do?”

    Me: “Sure, just write down the coupon code and the amount you’ll be saving. As long as we can verify these two things in the system, our computers will allow the discount.”

    Customer: “Should I draw the bar code for you?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? Come again?”

    Customer: “Would it help if I drew the bar code?”

    Me: “No…the coupon code will do just fine.”

    Customer: “Thanks!”

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