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    May I Recommend A Good Crime Drama While I Have You?

    | Kern County, CA, USA |

    (90% of the calls the bookstore receives are to ask our hours, check stock, or to ask when a book will be released. With that in mind, the phone rings one afternoon.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need to know a release date.”

    Me: “Sure, what is the title?”

    Customer: *gives a strange number, not the type bookstores use*

    Me: “What? Is that a title?”

    (The customer gives the number again, and I am not finding anything like it in the computer database.)

    Me: “I don’t know what you mean.”

    Customer: “A release date! I need to know when my son will be released.”

    (It’s then that I realize she means Booking, not Books.)

    Me: “Uh, we’re a book store.”

    Customer: “What number is this?”

    Me: *gives the store phone number*

    Customer: “I didn’t call that number.” *hangs up*

    It Was Either That Or Get Shocked By The Kite Again

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | History

    Customer: “I need a biography of Benjamin Franklin.”

    Me: *I take him to the history section* “Here’s his autobiography.”

    Customer: “That means he wrote it himself, right?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

    Customer: *eyes widening* “They could do that back then?”

    What’s A Synonym For Thesaurus

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, ma’am, can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “Yes, I need a synonym finder.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “A synonym finder… you know?”

    Me: “Oh, you mean a thesaurus?”

    Customer: “Yeah!”

    Talking S*** Behind Someone’s Back 101

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “I need to buy something for my 12 year old niece. I’d like a classic.”

    (I show her the classics.)

    Customer: “Oh! The Little Princess! What’s this about?”

    (I tell her the story.)

    Customer: “Sounds good…” *turns to her daughter* “So honey, we’re buying this for Monica, because she’s a spoiled brat, her parents treat her like a princess, and we want her to learn what it’s like to have nothing! Doesn’t that sound good?”

    Playing Hide And Don’t Seek

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Bookstore customer: “Do you have the CD, Lord Lift Our Voices Up On High, Volume 11?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t have it. We do have Volumes 9 and 10. I can show you where they are.”

    Customer: “No, no, I already have those. I like them. Do you have God Loves America, Volume 12?”

    Me: “Let me check… yes! We have that one. I can show you.”

    Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 11?”

    Me: “Yes. I can show–”

    Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 10?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer:Volume 9?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (This continues until we get to Volume 3.)

    Me: “Would you like to know about Volumes 1 and 2?”

    Customer: “No, I have those. I like them. Have you heard them?”

    Me: “No… so, let me just get these CDs for you.”

    Customer: “No thanks.”

    (I’ve been helping her for nearly 20 minutes, and suspect she has mental issues; thankfully, she goes away. Ten minutes later, I hear the same customer speak up loudly behind me.)

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want to go to the doctor tomorrow, but they tell me I have to.”

    Me: “Oh, uh, ehrm… yeah?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Colonoscopy. I don’t want to, but they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from.”

    Me: *whimpers*

    (At this point, I leave the music department and hide between the far right security sensor and a book display just outside it. The store manager walks by and sees me.)

    Manager: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Hiding from a customer who was telling me about her upcoming colonoscopy! She says they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from!”

    Manager: “You can stay.”


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