October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Pink Is The New Black

| Portland, OR, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “Is this the store that sells those little Christmas trees in different colors? Including the one in black?”

Me: “Yes, it is. Are you interested in one?”

Caller: “No! I want to complain! You’re selling black Christmas trees! That’s satanic!”

Me: “I’m sorry. We sell lots of other colors, too. Pink, purple, neon green, silver.”

Caller: “Your store is owned by the Devil! Black is the color of Satan! You should be ashamed!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We sell many different colors of trees and a lot of customers really like the black tree. I can assure you, it’s just a Christmas tree.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t agree. I think black is satanic! Christmas trees should be green!”

Me: “I understand and will inform our manager of your feelings. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “Oh, yes…can you put one of those pink Christmas trees on hold for me? I think they’re just so cute!”

A Bozo By Any Other Name, Part 2

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Uncategorized

(This happened back in 2003 during the East Coast Blackout when I was a cashier at a bookstore. Although Edmonton is far from the East coast, all our debit, credit and gift-card machines are tied into servers in Eastern Canada.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to get this book…” *passes me the book and a gift card*

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our gift card system is down right now.”

Customer: “This is bulls**t! My kids bought this card for me yesterday, and now I can’t use it?”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we can put the book on hold for you.”

Customer: “This is a scam! You guys are trying to rip me off!”

Me: “Sir…”

Customer: “Don’t call me sir!”

Me: “Now, sir…”

Customer: “Don’t call me sir! Call me an a**hole, but don’t call me sir!” *stomps out of the store*

A Bozo By Any Other Name

Three Dimensions Is Two Too Many

| Brisbane, Australia | Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me, but why are you closed at the moment?”

Me: “Umm…sorry?”

Customer: “Why are you closed?”

Me: “We’re not closed, we’re open for business. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “No, you are closed. That’s what that sign says.” *points to hanging sign on door* “See? It says ‘CLOSED’ in big red letters.”

Me: “Actually, that sign is to indicate to the people that are outside that we are open for business. It says ‘OPEN’ on the side pointing outwards. It flips, see?” *I go and show her*

Customer: “But it says on this side that you are closed. Why are you closed?!”

Me: “I can assure we are open. Are you sure I can’t help you with anything?”

Customer: “I swear if this is one of those elaborate radio station hoaxes, I will never shop here again!”

The Beginnings Of A Three Hour Cruise

| Baton Rouge, LA, USA | Uncategorized

(A man in fishing boots has been standing at our bookstore’s help counter for fifteen minutes. Every time someone comes to ask for an item, the man interrupts me and “helps” the customer find whatever they are looking for.)

Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m trying to find a cookbook with vegan recipes and I was wondering if you could give me some titles?”

Me: “Well, we have several titles by Isa Chandra Moskowitz–”

Fisherman: “Vegans? What the h*** are vegans?!”

Me: “People who don’t eat any sort of animal product. Honey, gelatin, that sort of–”

Fisherman: “D***ed intellectuals don’t know anything about eatin’! Vegans are those folks who go fishin’ by throwin’ a car battery over the side of the boat! I KNOW where THOSE books are, and I’LL SHOW YA!”

(He grabs the customer by the hand and drags her off down an aisle. I didn’t see either of them again, which worries me to this day.)

Hell In A Handbag

| Maastricht, The Netherlands | Criminal/Illegal, Religion, Top

Me: “That will be 17.50, please.”

Customer: “Are you a Christian, dear?”

Me: “Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Are you?”

Me: “Well, no. Why do you want to know?”

Customer: “Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please.”

Manager: “Good morning ma’am, I hear you’ve been having a problem with the clerk?”

Customer: “Oh, she didn’t make any trouble, it’s just that I don’t want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful, she’ll probably nick from the till when you’re not looking.”

Manager: “You’re right, ma’am, I shall definitely have to reprimand her.”

Me: *surprised* “What for?”

Manager: “For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.”

(The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.)

Customer: “Good heavens! I must’ve been so distracted I didn’t even notice the devil putting them there!”

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