Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • I Can Thieve Clearly Now

    | New York, USA |

    Customer: “I need to bring back these reading glasses. They’re broken.”

    Me: “OK – do you have the receipt for them?”

    (The customer hands me a receipt from 9 months earlier.)

    Me: “This receipt is a little past our 30-day return policy. May I have a look at the glasses?”

    Customer: “Yeah, well, they’re clearly broken, and I never used them, so you need to make an exception for me.”

    (I see that the glasses have clearly had the packaging removed and haphazardly put back on. They also have grease marks all over the lenses.)

    Me: “OK, well, I can’t take these back for a number of reasons: They were bought 9 months ago, we don’t carry this style anymore, and they have been clearly opened and used.”

    Customer: “No, they’re not used! You can’t get that package back on them!”

    Me: “It’s tricky, but you can get it back on. I’ve had to re-package them on a few occasions.”

    Customer: “NO YOU CAN’T! I HAD A HARD ENOUGH TIME GETTING THE PACKAGE OFF!”

    Me: “…”

    (The customer realizes what she just said, then turns and sheepishly walks out.)

    Copycats…and Copy Dogs, Copy Sheep…

    | New York, USA | Crazy Requests, Math & Science, Pets & Animals

    Customer: “I need a book on cloning.”

    Me: “Okay…would you like a book on the ethics of cloning, or maybe the history of it?”

    Customer: “No, I need a how-to book on cloning animals.”

    Me: “Um…cloning is a pretty complicated process. You’ll need several years of college education to be able to clone an animal.”

    Customer: “No you don’t! That’s just what we’ve been told! I read about it, and you can do it with a turkey baster in your kitchen!”

    Me: “I think you’re thinking of artificial insemination…”

    Customer: “NO I’M NOT! I NEED TO CLONE MY DOG!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I have a boy dog, and I love him very much, but he’s a bad dog. I heard that girl dogs are much nicer, so I want to clone my dog and make a girl dog! STOP HIDING THE BOOKS FROM ME!!!”

    Me: *points to back corner* “Our science section is that way. Go knock yourself out.”

    Next Customer In Line: “How the h*** did you just keep your cool through that?”

    The Ghost Of Christmas Freebies

    | Toronto, Canada |

    (At the cash till beside me I hear this exchange.)

    Customer: “You should be giving out candy canes.”

    Coworker: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “It’s Christmas, you should be in the Christmas spirit! I want to know why you aren’t handing out candy!”

    Coworker: “Well, it’s very busy today and we’re understaffed. If we were to take someone off of cash, people would have to wait far too long to purchase their books.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to hear your excuses! Let me talk to your manager.”

    Coworker: “He’s right there, two tills down.”

    (My coworker takes the next person in line.)

    Customer #2: “What was she complaining about?”

    Coworker: “She was complaining that she wasn’t getting any free candy.”

    Customer #2: *jokingly* “In that case, can I have a free puppy?”

    Perhaps The Wolves Are Still Available To Babysit Tonight…

    | Fairbanks, AK, USA |

    Customer: *with child in tow* “Excuse me, do you work here?”

    Me: “Yes, can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “There’s no one in your children’s department.”

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “There’s usually one of you people in the kids’ department.”

    Me: “Yes…our lead Children’s Zoning person called out today…”

    Customer: “Well then, just who is supposed to watch the children?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, what do you mean?”

    Customer: “Who’s going to watch the children? I leave my little girl over there while I shop, and I expect someone to watch her.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: In your children’s department. The DAYCARE.”

    Me: “Ma’am…we don’t have a daycare…”

    Customer: “…” *walks away*

    Old School Hustlers

    | Burnsville, MN, USA | Top

    (A customer approaches the bookstore counter with an adult magazine.)

    Customer 2, from behind Customer 1: “What’s the matter, don’t you have a computer?”

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