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  • On The Importance Of Appropriate Segue-ways

    | Virginia, USA |

    (Note: I look a little young for my age, but not by that much.)

    Customer: “I’m looking for someone who can help me find a book.”

    Me: “I can help you. What are you looking for?”

    Customer: “What? You can’t possibly work here. You look like you’re about 12.”

    Me: “Actually, I’m 20. What can I help you find?”

    Customer: “You’re lying to me. Where’s your manager? I can’t believe he has little kids working.”

    Me: “I can assure you, I’m 20.”

    Customer: “Let me see your ID, then.”

    Me: “What?”

    (She then turns to my boyfriend, who has come in to visit me.)

    Customer: “Are you her boyfriend?”

    My boyfriend: “Yes…”

    Customer: “How can you date someone who looks like that?”

    My boyfriend: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “That’s disgusting. I think you’re a pervert!”

    (The customer then turns back to me, and without skipping a beat asks…)

    Customer: “Where are the romance novels?”

    Great Benefits: Medical, 401k & A Crystal Ball

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Which books would you recommend for a pre-teen girl?”

    Me: “Well, that depends – does she like fantasy, horror, science fiction?”

    Customer: “Whichever you recommend.”

    Me: “I’m partial to fantasy myself.”

    (I show her several series that I had read myself and enjoyed.)

    Customer: “So you think she would like these?”

    Me: “Well, I loved them a lot.”

    Customer: “But do you think SHE will?”

    Me: “I honestly couldn’t say, ma’am. You know your niece better than I do; I’ve never met her.”

    Customer: *staring blankly at the books* “But do you think she will like them?”

    Me: “If she doesn’t, you can give her a gift receipt and she can return the books.”

    Customer: “I didn’t ask you about a gift receipt, I asked you if my niece would like the books you recommended.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am incapable of making up your own mind about books for someone I’ve never met.”

    Customer: “I see. So, when they hire people for minimum wage, they really get what they pay for.”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Corporate doesn’t provide mind manipulation skills as part of the hiring package, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Well, they should!”

    (She complains to a manager and walks out without ever making up her mind about a book for her niece.

    Manager: “Did she seriously ask you to manipulate her thoughts about a book decision?”

    Me: “I can’t make up my OWN mind sometimes, much less someone else’s…”

    There’s More Where That Came From… Usually

    | Virginia, USA | Extra Stupid

    Customer: “I’m looking for a book on Ronald Reagan.”

    Me: “OK, well, that would be right here in the American history section.”

    Customer: “It’s a particular book, one with transcripts of all his speeches. I’ve seen it here before.”

    (I spend at least 15 minutes exhaustively searching the shelves to find the book, with no luck.)

    Me: “It seems we don’t have it. If you’d like, I can write it down and call you if we get another copy in.”

    Customer: “That’s impossible. You always had it right here.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, someone must have bought it.”

    Customer: *exasperated* “I know. I’m the one who bought it.”

    Heal The Blind, Raise The Dead, & Now A Book Deal

    | San Diego, Ca, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for the autobiography of Jesus.”

    Me: “Um, do you mean a biography of Jesus?”

    Customer: “No! I want the AUTO-biography of Jesus! Where would it be?”

    Me: “Well, I guess you could try the Bible section…”

    There Can Be Only One Insane Customer

    | Oregon, USA | Top

    (A guy comes in looking a bit haggard.)

    Me: “Hi sir! Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “Let’s move to the back of the store.”

    (He takes my arm and we walk to one of the last shelves of the store.)

    Customer: “I need a book on immortality.”

    Me: “All right – we’ve got science fiction over here…”

    Customer: “No, I need to research immortality. I’m immortal. See this scar on my neck? A guy cut me a couple days ago and it’s almost healed. I’m immortal.”

    (I stare at the large cut on his neck that is laced together with stitches).

    Me: “Um, I’m not sure if we have any books like that.”

    Customer: “Well, can you buy me a sword from the store next door?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to do that.”

    Customer: “I promise I’ll pay you back. I’ll give you my ID so you can track me down later and everything. I need a sword.”

    Me: “Really, I could get fired for that.”

    (The customer looks up and then starts sniffing the air.)

    Customer: “They’re coming. I have to go!” *runs out of the store*

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