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    Stairway To Nowhere

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but I can’t seem to find the stairs to your second floor.”

    Me: “Ah, well ma’am, that’s probably because we don’t have a second floor.”

    Customer: “Yes you do, I’ve shopped here for 5 years. I’ve been to your second floor several times. If you look at this store from the outside, you can see that it’s big enough to house a second floor.”

    Me: “But there are no windows to show the second floor. No ma’am, we have that high ceiling instead. We never had a second floor.

    Customer: “YES YOU DO! Now stop screwing around with me and tell me where it is!”

    Manager: *overhearing this conversation* “Ma’am, I’ve worked here since our store opened 10 years ago. We’ve NEVER had a second floor.”

    Customer: “You’re lying! Tell me where the stairs are or I’m going to report your behavior to your corporate offices!”

    We Only Have The Other Kind

    | Kansas, USA |

    Customer: “How much are your large-print Bibles?”

    Me: “Various prices – what version are you looking for?”

    Customer: “A Holy Bible.”

    Always Imitated, Never Duplicated

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have a copy of **** in stock?”

    Me: “Yes, we do. Would you like me to put it on hold for you?”

    Customer: “Yes. Also, I was emailed a coupon that I’d like to use to buy that book, but my printer is broken. Is there anything you can do?”

    Me: “Sure, just write down the coupon code and the amount you’ll be saving. As long as we can verify these two things in the system, our computers will allow the discount.”

    Customer: “Should I draw the bar code for you?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? Come again?”

    Customer: “Would it help if I drew the bar code?”

    Me: “No…the coupon code will do just fine.”

    Customer: “Thanks!”

    The Joy Of Cooking Without Opposable Thumbs

    , | Berlin, VT, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me…where is your dog cookbook section?”

    Me: “Um…dog cookbooks?”

    Customer: “Yes. Where are they located?”

    Me: “We don’t have a dog cookbook section in the store. I don’t think we have any dog cookbooks at all.”

    Customer: *stares blankly* “You can’t be serious.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, miss. I might be able to order-”

    Customer: *interrupting* “YOU DON’T HAVE ANY DOG COOKBOOKS? THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY DOG FOR CHRISTMAS?”

    Me: “Have you considered a nice set of dog cookware?”

    Customer: *storms out*

    Conspiracy Weary

    | Peterborough, NH, USA |

    (When special order books come in we call the customers, but we don’t normally say the book’s title over the phone. A man came in one day to pick up his special order – some book about 9/11.)

    Customer: “I have a complaint about my order.”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Customer: “When the woman called me, she said the title of my book in the message.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, is that a problem?”

    Customer: “Well, you see, the government’s tapping my phone. I don’t want them to know that I know what they’re up to.”

    Me: “Um…Ok, sir. I’m sorry about that. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

    Customer: “Thanks.”

    Me: “…would you like a bag, sir?”

    Customer: *starts laughing* “No thanks. I’m not that paranoid!”


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