The Beginnings Of A Three Hour Cruise

| Baton Rouge, LA, USA | Uncategorized

(A man in fishing boots has been standing at our bookstore’s help counter for fifteen minutes. Every time someone comes to ask for an item, the man interrupts me and “helps” the customer find whatever they are looking for.)

Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m trying to find a cookbook with vegan recipes and I was wondering if you could give me some titles?”

Me: “Well, we have several titles by Isa Chandra Moskowitz–”

Fisherman: “Vegans? What the h*** are vegans?!”

Me: “People who don’t eat any sort of animal product. Honey, gelatin, that sort of–”

Fisherman: “D***ed intellectuals don’t know anything about eatin’! Vegans are those folks who go fishin’ by throwin’ a car battery over the side of the boat! I KNOW where THOSE books are, and I’LL SHOW YA!”

(He grabs the customer by the hand and drags her off down an aisle. I didn’t see either of them again, which worries me to this day.)

Hell In A Handbag

| Maastricht, The Netherlands | Criminal/Illegal, Religion, Top

Me: “That will be 17.50, please.”

Customer: “Are you a Christian, dear?”

Me: “Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Are you?”

Me: “Well, no. Why do you want to know?”

Customer: “Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please.”

Manager: “Good morning ma’am, I hear you’ve been having a problem with the clerk?”

Customer: “Oh, she didn’t make any trouble, it’s just that I don’t want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful, she’ll probably nick from the till when you’re not looking.”

Manager: “You’re right, ma’am, I shall definitely have to reprimand her.”

Me: *surprised* “What for?”

Manager: “For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.”

(The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.)

Customer: “Good heavens! I must’ve been so distracted I didn’t even notice the devil putting them there!”

Helping Is Its Own Reward (Card)

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello. Do you have a rewards card?”

Customer: “No. Why would I want a stupid piece of plastic for?”

Me: “Okay. That’ll be–”

Customer: “What? Aren’t you going to lecture me on the benefits of your card?”

Me: “Well, you get coupons and discounts.”

Customer: “I don’t need that! Stop hounding me about your stupid piece of plastic!”

Slightly Less Rare Than An Honest Politician

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | Uncategorized

Coworker: “Hi, how are you? Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for books by John Edwards.”

Coworker: “The politician?”

Customer: “Yes…he reads minds, you know.”

Coworker: “Oh, you’re looking for John Edwards the psychic, not John Edwards the politician.”

Customer: “They’re different people?!”

The CSR Of Delphi

| Indiana, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling [bookstore]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My husband is going in for a CAT scan, and he’s kind of claustrophobic. I was wondering what kind of equipment they use?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I really don’t have that kind of information. Maybe if you called your doctor?”

Caller: “It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday night! My doctor’s office is closed, duh! That’s why I’m asking you!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we really don’t have that information.”

Caller: “Well, you have books, don’t you? Why don’t you just go and look it up in a book?”

Me: “Ma’am, we do have a small selection of home reference medical books, but I can’t look it up for you.”

Caller: “Well, you have an intercom, don’t you? Why don’t you just page a doctor and ask him to come to the phone and talk to me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We really aren’t allowed to do that sort of thing.”

Caller: “Well, can you at least connect me with the information desk, or is that too much to ask?!”

Me: “This is the information desk.”

Caller: “Well, a fat lot of good you are!” *click*

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