• Holy Guacamole, Get Off The Phone!
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  • May Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

    Maybe If George Lucas Got His Hands On Them

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Uncategorized

    (A bookstore customer hands me a copy of the re-release of 101 Dalmatians.)

    Customer: “What does re-mastered mean?”

    Me: “They just made the colors brighter and the sound better.”

    Customer: “Oh, so it’s the same as before?”

    Me: “Yeah, just brighter colors and better sound.”

    Customer: “They didn’t change the story or anything?”

    Me: “No, it’s just brighter colors and better sound.”

    Customer: “Did they make the dogs cuter?”

    Deafening Silence

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

    Customer: “It’s so loud in here!”

    Me: “I know right? Christmas is crazy for us every year.”

    Customer: “It’s so loud, why do people have to talk so loudly?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, it’s just because there’s so many people.”

    Customer: “Forget this! I’m turning off my hearing aid. You guys should really try to keep the noise level down.”

    Me: “Right you are sir! If that’ll be all, your total is ***.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Your total, sir? It’s ***.”

    Customer: “Speak up! I can’t hear you!”

    Pink Is The New Black

    | Portland, OR, USA | Uncategorized

    Caller: “Is this the store that sells those little Christmas trees in different colors? Including the one in black?”

    Me: “Yes, it is. Are you interested in one?”

    Caller: “No! I want to complain! You’re selling black Christmas trees! That’s satanic!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We sell lots of other colors, too. Pink, purple, neon green, silver.”

    Caller: “Your store is owned by the Devil! Black is the color of Satan! You should be ashamed!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We sell many different colors of trees and a lot of customers really like the black tree. I can assure you, it’s just a Christmas tree.”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t agree. I think black is satanic! Christmas trees should be green!”

    Me: “I understand and will inform our manager of your feelings. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Caller: “Oh, yes…can you put one of those pink Christmas trees on hold for me? I think they’re just so cute!”

    A Bozo By Any Other Name, Part 2

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Uncategorized

    (This happened back in 2003 during the East Coast Blackout when I was a cashier at a bookstore. Although Edmonton is far from the East coast, all our debit, credit and gift-card machines are tied into servers in Eastern Canada.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to get this book…” *passes me the book and a gift card*

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our gift card system is down right now.”

    Customer: “This is bulls**t! My kids bought this card for me yesterday, and now I can’t use it?”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we can put the book on hold for you.”

    Customer: “This is a scam! You guys are trying to rip me off!”

    Me: “Sir…”

    Customer: “Don’t call me sir!”

    Me: “Now, sir…”

    Customer: “Don’t call me sir! Call me an a**hole, but don’t call me sir!” *stomps out of the store*

    A Bozo By Any Other Name

    Three Dimensions Is Two Too Many

    | Brisbane, Australia | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Excuse me, but why are you closed at the moment?”

    Me: “Umm…sorry?”

    Customer: “Why are you closed?”

    Me: “We’re not closed, we’re open for business. Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “No, you are closed. That’s what that sign says.” *points to hanging sign on door* “See? It says ‘CLOSED’ in big red letters.”

    Me: “Actually, that sign is to indicate to the people that are outside that we are open for business. It says ‘OPEN’ on the side pointing outwards. It flips, see?” *I go and show her*

    Customer: “But it says on this side that you are closed. Why are you closed?!”

    Me: “I can assure we are open. Are you sure I can’t help you with anything?”

    Customer: “I swear if this is one of those elaborate radio station hoaxes, I will never shop here again!”

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