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    Speechless In Savannah

    | Savannah, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, sir. This is Kristy and I’m calling to let you know the book you ordered has come in.”

    Customer: “Can I ask your name?”

    Me: “Um, Kristy?”

    Customer: “Well Kristy, I’m Steve. We’ve never met, but I can tell by your voice that you’re a beautiful person with pretty eyes. And I’m going to tell you that in the years you work at that store, one day a guy will come in and it might be me, but I won’t tell you my name so you’ll never know it was me and you’ll always think, ‘I wonder if that was that Steve guy?’ But if you guess, I’ll take you out to dinner. You have a good day now.”

    Me: “…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    He Fought The Law, And The Law Won

    | Concord, CA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (A man has been causing a ruckus at the registers for ten minutes and a line had formed behind him.)

    Man: “I’m a lawyer and I know my rights! If you don’t take this return I’m going to sue the living s*** out of you.”

    (A woman in a professional-looking business suit steps up to the register. In a cool professional voice, she asks to see the receipt that the man is waving. After a moment’s inspection, she gives him a hard stare over the rim of her glasses.)

    Woman: “Sir, the store’s return policy is clearly printed on your receipt. They cannot take back opened CDs.”

    Man: “But–”

    Woman: “FURTHERMORE, by purchasing from this store, you are accepting the store’s return policy as a signed contract that you agreed to abide by.”

    Man: “I–”

    Woman: “IN ADDITION, by blatantly trying to circumvent this contract signed by you, no judge would rule in your favor.”

    Man: “But I–”

    Woman: “If you really were a lawyer, you would be fully aware of this fact. By claiming to be a lawyer when you are clearly NOT, you are committing an act of fraud, which can get you arrested.”

    (The man turns white and flees the store without another peep.)

    Woman: “I’ve had eight years’ experience working behind the registers, dealing with people like him. MAN, that felt GOOD!”

    Saving The Earth, 7 MPG At A Time

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Top

    (A customer comes up to the counter with her arms full of books. After I ring them all through, I proceed to put her books in a bag.)

    Customer: “Actually, I don’t need a bag. I’m doing my part to save the environment!”

    Me: “Oh, okay then!”

    (I hand her her receipt and wish her a nice day, but she doesn’t move.)

    Customer: “Excuse me…aren’t you going to help me carry my books to my car?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m the only employee working here and there are other customers.”

    Customer: “I beg your pardon? That’s rather rude! Help me carry my books to my car! They do it at grocery stores all the time. There is no reason why you can’t do it here!”

    Me: “We don’t do that sort of thing here. If you want, you can bring back your bags. We’ll gladly re-use them.”

    Customer: “No, I can’t do that! Now help me take my books to the car!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I just can’t leave the store unattended.”

    Customer: “Fine! But if I drop my books and damage them, you’re giving me free replacements!”

    (The customer scoops all her books up in her arms and storms out. I watch her walk all the way across to the other side of the parking lot, stop, and intentionally drop her books into a puddle. She stomps back in and barges her way to the front of the line.)

    Customer: “See, look what happened! Give me your phone right now! I am calling your managers and you’re going to get fired!”

    Me: “Alright, here is the number for our downtown store.”

    (The customer picks up the store phone and begins dialing.)

    Customer:“Yes, I need to speak with the manager right away… Yeah I’m at your south store and your incompetent employee wouldn’t help me carry my books to my car. I dropped them and now they are ruined!… Well, yes… Yes she did offer me bags… No, I’m not disabled… Yes I’m aware that shes the only… What?! I can’t believe this!”

    (The customer hangs up the phone, defeated and turns to me.)

    Customer: “You should be ashamed of yourself! At least I’m saving the environment!”

    (I watch her walk through the parking lot again and get into her vehicle. Ironically, it’s a huge SUV.)

    The Devil Is In The Ridiculous Details

    | Gainesville, FL, USA |

    (Two female customers are purchasing coffees and breath mints at the cafe in the bookstore.)

    Me: “Your total is $6.66.”

    Customer 1: *looking horrified* “NO! I don’t want my total to be $6.66! Let me add something else…”

    (She starts combing the gum shelves for a flavor she wants.)

    Customer 2: *patting friend consolingly* “No, don’t worry about it. You only have to worry about it if $6.66 is the amount of change you get BACK.”

    Customer 1: “OH, okay!”

    Working Smarter, Not Harder

    | Fairbanks, AK, USA |

    (I am a girl working the customer service counter. A male customer comes up with eerily direct eye contact.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I would like books on seduction.”

    Me: “All right. If you follow me, I’ll show you to our relationship section.”

    (I walk him over to the section.)

    Customer: “I want books on seduction.”

    Me: “Well, here is ‘relationships’ and on the other side of the aisle are the more intimate books. So between those I believe you can find what you’re looking for.”

    Customer: “All right, I’ll look at these.”

    (I return to the customer service desk. The customer returns a few minutes later.)

    Me: “Anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Do you have any books on hypnosis?”

    Me: “…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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