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    How About Long Johnson Silver

    | Kansas, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need that book about the whale and the guy trying to get it.”

    Me: “Oh, Moby Dick? It’s right back here.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want a book about dick! EW!”

    Me: “Um…Moby Dick is about the white whale and Captain Ahab. By Herman Melville. It’s a classic.”

    Customer: “Oh. Do you have any copies with a manlier title?”

    The Best Of Intentions, The Worst Of Retentions

    | Gainesville, FL, USA |

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello ma’am, this is **** Bookstore. I’m calling to let you know the book you ordered has come in.”

    Customer: “What? You’re who?”

    Me: “This is **** Bookstore. You ordered a book from us and it’s here.”

    Customer: “I ordered a book?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I don’t remember ordering anything.”

    Me: “The order sticker says you ordered it last week. The title is Improving Your Memory.”

    Them’s Excitin’ Words

    | Gainesville, FL, USA |

    (A girl and her boyfriend approached my customer service desk.)

    Girl: “Excuse me, where are the dictionaries?”

    Me: “Aisle 13.”

    Girl: “Thank you!”

    (A few minutes later the couple returned, dictionary in hand.)

    Girl: “How do you spell ‘ecstatic’?”

    Me: “E-C-S-T-A-T-I-C.”

    Girl: *thumbing pages* “OK…”

    Boy: “I’m tellin’ you, it ain’t a real word.”

    (Since she was still unable to spell it, finding the word was proving difficult.)

    Boy: *smugly* “SEE? If it was a real word, it would BE IN THE DICTIONARY, wouldn’t it?”

    Girl: “I can’t find it!”

    Me: “Try looking up ‘ecstasy’. They usually list the adjective forms of the noun at the end of the entry.”

    Girl: *finding it* “Oh, here it is, see? ‘Ecstatic’ means a person experiencing ecstasy. Look, honey!”

    Boy: *walking away* “It AIN’T A WORD, it AIN’T!”

    Girl: *chasing after him waving the book* “LOOK! It’s right here! LOOOOOK!”

    Burned With Goblets Of Fire, No Doubt

    | Douglasville, GA, USA |

    (This happened quite a few years ago, but it’s still one of my fondest bookstore memories.)

    Customer: “Do you happen to sell that Harry Potter book?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, we do. Would you like me to show you where they are?”

    Customer: “If it’s no trouble…”

    Me: “No trouble at all. ”

    (I lead him over to the children’s section and hand him the first book in the series.)

    Me: “Here you are. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “No, I think that’s all I need.”

    (The customer shovels a dozen copies of the same book into his arms.)

    Customer: “The church is having a book burning tonight and I just need to make sure I bring enough.”

    Me: *laughs*

    Customer: *completely serious* “I’m not joking.”

    Me: “Oh. Well, you do realize that there are now four books in the series?”

    Ill-Timed Intervention

    | California, USA |

    Me: Hi, Ma’am. How can I help you on this fine Sunday afternoon?”

    Lady: “I need to talk to the owner.”

    Me: “She’s not in today, ma’am. If you’d like to–”

    Lady: “I need to talk to her NOW! I have a message from GOD!”

    Me: “…”

    Lady: “…” *glares*

    Me: “Well, she’s still not in. If you wanna leave a message…”

    Lady: “You don’t understand! God Himself has sent me here with a message for her; it’s important and needs to be delivered today, right now!”

    Me: “God sent you here?”

    Lady: “Yes, to deliver an important message to the owner.”

    Me: *leaning across the counter, eyebrows raised* “Um…wouldn’t God know that the owner never works on Sundays?”

    (She freaks out and begins ranting incoherently about how God will strike us down. Then she throws some things and leaves, slamming the door.)

    Me: “Have a good day!”

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