Me: “Hi! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Do you sell artificial turf?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. Maybe you could try the DIY store next door.”

(For some reason, this response makes the customer very angry. I can practically see the smoke coming out of his ears.)

Customer: “Well, are you a bookstore or are you not?!”

(A teenage customer walks in. She looks around for a while, but it seems she can’t find what she’s looking for.)

Me: “Do you need any help, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for the book that teaches you how to kill birds.”

Me: “We have a few hunting books in non-fiction if that’s what your looking for.”

Customer: “No. This book is fiction. It’s called How To Kill A Bird or something.”

Me: “Are you talking about To Kill a Mockingbird?”

Customer: “Yes! That’s it! Could you tell me where that is?”

Customer: “I can’t find the Cliff’s Notes for Harry Potter. Could you order them for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, they don’t make Cliff’s Notes for Harry Potter.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. They have Cliff’s Notes for everything. Why don’t you look it up?”

Me: “Actually, they don’t have Cliff’s Notes for everything, especially not for children’s books.”

Customer: “They aren’t children’s books.”

Me: “They’re shelved in the children’s section.”

Customer: “Adults read them too. You don’t have them so I’d like to order them.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but they don’t exist.”

Customer: “That’s a lie. There’s a computer right in front of you. Look up Cliff’s Notes and find them!”

(I look up Cliff’s Notes and show the customer the extensive list. After a few minutes of frustrated searching, she gives up.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I want to know what they’re about, but I don’t want to read them.”

Me: “May I suggest the movies, in that case?”

Customer: “I’m not stupid! I’ve seen the movies! I just don’t want to read the books!”

(A mother, daughter, and a son who looks to be around 15 years old are sitting near the door. As they are getting ready to leave, the son wanders over to the door. In very large, clear letters, the door says “Emergency Door Only” and “Alarm Will Sound If Door Is Opened”. He looks up, sees the sign, and without hesitating, he opens the door. Sure enough, the alarm sounds.)

Me: “Sir, why did you open the fire door?”

Customer: “I didn’t know it was an alarm door! How the h*** was I supposed to know!?”

Related:
All Signs Point To Duh, Part 2
All Signs Point To Duh

(It’s summer and I am very obviously pregnant at about 7 months. A male customer walks by and notices my belly.)

Customer: “It’s the wrong time of year for that!”

Me: “Oh, believe me, I know.”

(He walks off to browse and I continue setting up an end cap display which includes some very low shelves. As it’s rather hard to bend down at 7 months pregnant, I’m now kneeling on the floor to put things on the bottom shelves. The same customer walks by again.)

Customer: “Well, you know, that’s what got you into trouble in the first place.”

Related:
Doing Favors On Your Knees

Customer: “Do you stock world maps here?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I show the woman some maps of varying sizes.)

Customer: “Those maps depict so much water. Don’t you have any without so much water in them?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we only have that book in paperback. Would you like me to order the hardback?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m replacing a damaged book and the school library insisted that it be hardback.”

(While I begin to collect her information, the customer starts muttering sulkily.)

Customer: “We shouldn’t have to replace it. Our dog urinated on it. The pages are a little stained, but it dried. It’s not like it smells or anything. You can still read it. Those librarians are so picky!”

(I go to a religious university. I am wearing an Obama 2012 shirt while shopping for my textbooks. I am approached by a middle-aged woman.)

Customer: “You shouldn’t be in here! I want you to leave this bookstore! How can I shop when you are wearing that abomination?”

(I laugh, roll my eyes, and continue shopping. The customer gets an employee.)

Customer: “I want her thrown out! That shirt is offensive to a holy place of learning!”

Employee: “I’m sorry ma’am, I can’t throw her out. The t-shirt is in no way explicit or offensive.”

Customer: “It’s offensive! I’m offended!”

Employee: “I’m sorry ma’am, there’s nothing I can do.”

Customer: “I’m leaving! I can’t shop in a place where the antichrist is advertised! You’re all going to h***!”