In A Happy Holi-daze

| MI, USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

Cashier: “Will these books be all for you today?”

Me: “Yep!”

Cashier: “Well, you have a very Merry Christma—”

(The cashier peers at my Star of David necklace with Hebrew engraving.)

Cashier: “—AND I hope you had a wonderful Hanukkah!”

(The cashier then waves to everyone waiting in line to get their attention.)

Cashier: “Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Joyous Kwanzaa, Spiritually Fullfilling Equinox, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”

(The whole line applauds and laughs.)

Me: “That was awesome!”

Cashier: “I know that Happy Holidays covers everything, but wouldn’t it be awesome if I knew all of them just in case?!”

Santa Knows Who’s Being Naughty

| KY, USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(It’s Christmas Eve and I’m working until close. It’s been a very busy day, and I’m not exactly thinking clearly. I’m a girl in my early 20s, generally considered somewhat attractive, as I’m tall and thin with a rather large chest. A young handsome guy approaches the register with a friend, having a conversation in French.)

Me: “Hi there! Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “Yes…” *he leans in close to me, over the counter* “Uh, Playboy have you done, no?”

(I blink at him in surprise for a few seconds. My immediate reaction is to take off my Santa hat, worried it somehow makes me look scantily dressed.)

Me: “I, erm, no, erm, what?”

Customer:Playboy. Magazine. Have you?”

Me: *realizing* “Oh! Oh, no, no, we don’t carry that.”

(He thanks me and we finish the transaction. A coworker, who overheard, leans over to me:)

Coworker: “It’s the Santa hat.”

The Diet Of Tomorrow

| Temagami, ON, Canada | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(It’s just after Christmas:)

Customer: “Hi, do you have [popular diet book]?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we have no copies left in store. It is on order and more will arrive in mid-January, if you can wait that long.”

Customer: “Sure, that’s fine. I have a lot of chocolate to eat before then anyways.”

Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 3

| Chicago, IL, USA | Bizarre, Liars & Scammers

Customer: “I want to return this book.”

Me: “Okay, do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Our return policy is 14 days with a receipt, so since this is outside of that, I need to call over a manager. If you don’t mind, it will be just a moment.”

Customer: “I don’t care about your policy; just give me my money back.”

Me: “Ma’am, the manager is the only one who can make that call. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I’m double parked outside.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, but there’s nothing I can do.”

(The manager comes over. It’s only been about a minute since the customer walked up to me.)

Customer: “God, finally! I need my money back, and I’m double parked outside, so make it quick!”

Manager: “Well, our usual policy is 14 days with a receipt, but we can occasionally make exceptions—”

Customer: “I just read it yesterday!”

Manager: “Wait, you read the whole book?”

Customer: “Yes, and I hated it! That’s why I’m returning it!”

Manager: “Ma’am, that’s not really how a bookstore works. If everyone just returned books after they were done reading them, we would be a library.”

Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

Manager: “Well—”

Customer: “—GOD, FINE! Here’s a receipt if you people need it so badly!”

(Customer throws a crumpled, faded receipt at the manager. She catches it and looks at it, shocked.)

Manager: “Ma’am, this receipt is from [Competitor], who went out of business three years ago.”

Customer: “So?”

Manager: “So it’s not even from our store. I can’t give you your money back.”

Customer: *looking out the window, noticing her car is getting a ticket* “Oh my god, I hate this store! I’m never shopping here again!”

Manager: “You never shopped here in the first place!”

Related:
Doesn’t Understand The ‘Custom’ Part Of Customer, Part 2
Doesn’t Understand The ‘Custom’ Part Of Customer

Things Just Got Weird

| USA | Bizarre, Books & Reading

(A teenage male comes in and asks for a book. After receiving it, he goes and stands in the middle of an open space, directly in my line of sight, and starts fidgeting and wiggling. He hasn’t checked out yet.)

Him: “I’m not stealing anything, I swear.”

(He’s been in my eyesight the whole time he’s been in the store and I know he hasn’t touched anything. The only books he passed by are huge coffee table books that he couldn’t hide in his current possessions.)

Me: “I know you haven’t.”

Him: “Well, I won’t. I swear. I’ll keep my hands right here!”

(He thrusts his hands in his pockets, but only lasts a second before taking them back out and fidgeting around some more – hands in his hair, messing with his shirt, etc.)

Me: “Do I need to be worried?”

Him: “No, no… I’m just standing here because if I don’t… I’ll… do things.”

Me: “Things?”

Him: “Bad things…”

(After about five minutes his dad came in and bought him a book on black magic. The kid said thank you and left. No inventory was missing.)

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