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    It Must Have Been A New Moon

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (This particular customer is a semi-regular who tends to loiter around the new age and paranormal sections. She has knee-length flowing blonde hair and is fond of hippyish clothing. Tonight, I notice her staring at me from a distance for a few minutes with a subtle, knowing smile.)

    Me: “Hello, how are you today? Would you like any help?”

    Customer: “Good, quite good. I don’t need any help, but can I just talk to you for a minute?”

    Me: “Sure. What would you like to talk about?”

    Customer: “You. I just have some questions about you. You work here quite a lot, don’t you? At night. I see you every night I come in.”

    Me: “Yes, I do tend to work here Thursday and Friday nights.”

    Customer: “I notice cause you’re so pretty. Such long dark hair and pale skin.”

    Me: “Umm, thanks.”

    Customer: “What’s your name?”

    Me: “It’s [my name].”

    Customer: “That’s a lovely name. A very old fashioned name. You don’t really hear it anymore.”

    (By this point, I’m getting confused as I didn’t think my name was that uncommon. I’m not sure what point she’s trying to make.)

    Customer: “What else do you do, other than working here?”

    Me: “I’m in my fourth year of uni. My major is Science, but I do some electives in Literature and History.”

    Customer: *smiles* “Ahhh. So you’re quite educated, as well.”

    Me: “I guess you could say that.”

    Customer: “Well, I had better not waste any more of your time. But I just want to tell you that I understand now, and I won’t tell anyone.”

    Me: “Ah, ok. About what?”

    Customer: “Your secret. That you are one of them. A vampire.”

    (The customer leaves while I just stand there confused.)

    Coworker: “What’s up?”

    Me: “I ****ing hate Twilight…”

    Posthumous Post-Modernism, Part 2

    | Springfield, MO, USA |

    (Two teenage customers walk up to the information desk, and pick up copies from the stack of ‘Pride and Prejudice and Zombies’.)

    Customer: “I can’t believe Jane Austen let them do this.”

    Me: “Well, she’s been dead for nearly two hundred years. Her works are all public domain now.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    (She waves the book at me.)

    Customer: “Then how can you do this?”

    Related:
    Posthumous Post-Modernism

    Found Next To The Irony Section

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA |

    Customer: “I need to find [diet and exercise book].”

    (I go and look up the book for her.)

    Me: “Alright, it looks like it will be in our wellness section. Let’s head over there and grab it.”

    Customer: “You go get it. I’m tired.”

    Jane Ey-re-animation

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (It’s the end of the summer. A high-school aged customer comes in.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for Frankenstein by ‘J somebody’.”

    Me: “Actually, that was written by Mary Shelley. We have several copies.”

    Customer: “No, it’s written by ‘J somebody’. Look it up.”

    (I look it up. It’s definitely written by Mary Shelley.)

    Customer: “Hang on, I’ll call my mom.”

    (He comes back.)

    Customer: “It’s Frankenstein by Jane Eyre.”

    Me: “Sorry sweetheart, looks like you have to read two books.”

    Customer: “Aw man!”

    Past The Point Of No Return

    , | New Zealand | Top

    (We have both a bookshop and library. They are divided by a wall and accessible only from outside the building or through a staff only area. I am working in the bookstore section.)

    Customer: “Hey, I was looking for a book for my niece called The Tomorrow Code.”

    Me: “We definitely have a copy of that. I was shelving it this morning. Follow me.”

    Customer: “So, when is the due date?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “You know, for the book.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can sell it to you right now.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know that. I want to know when I have to return it. My library card number for you guys is [number].”

    Me: “You don’t have to return it, ma’am. This is a bookstore, not a library. You keep the book once you’ve bought it.”

    Customer: “That’s great, but when do I return it?”

    Me: “I, uh, just need to check that on the system.”

    (I run to the actual library to check they have a copy of the tomorrow code. They do. I go back to the customer.)

    Me: “Ma’am, just to make this very clear, this is a shop not a library. You never return books.”

    Customer: “Of course I know that. Do you think I was born yesterday? Now, when do I have to return this book?”

    Me: “Actually, I just found out the copy of the book you’re holding is reserved. I can go get a copy of it from the storeroom if you want.”

    Customer: “Just hurry up. This place shouldn’t hire people as thick as you!”

    (I run back to the library and issue the book as ‘borrowed’ to her card number.)

    Customer: *speaking very slowly* “Thank you, girl. I’m sorry to have told you that you were thick. I should have realised you were special.”

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