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  • Has Faith But Lost All Pope

    | New Orleans, LA, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for the Holy Bible.”

    Me: “Any particular denomination you’re looking for?”

    Customer: “The one written by Jesus.”

    Me: “Technically, the bible wasn’t written by Jesus.”

    Customer: “No, he wrote one. Everybody knows that.”

    (I decide not to argue and take her to see our bibles. She comes back down later, looking upset.)

    Customer: “None of those say they were written by Jesus. Where are the ones written by Jesus?”

    (I answer in the only way I can think of as helpful.)

    Me: “Maybe you should ask the Vatican City?”

    Customer: “Is that far?”

    To Make Up His Mind, He Would Need To Have One First

    | Madison, WI, USA |

    (A student is buying books. After I ring up his total, he pulls out a card.)

    Me: “Would you like your card run as credit or debit?”

    Student: “Which account do I want to use? Credit comes out of your savings account, right?”

    (I give a quick explanation of the difference between credit and debit. During this time the student has swiped his card through the machine, and followed the automatic prompts to charge his card as debit.)

    Student: “Okay. In that case, I do credit.”

    Me: “Sir, you just finished running it as debit.”

    Student: “Oh, right, okay.”

    Me: “Would you like a bag?”

    Student: “No. Wait, yes. No!”

    Moby Thick

    | New Orleans, LA, USA |

    (A customer comes to our help desk, looking upset.)

    Customer: “My daughter’s teacher assigned this book. It’s totally inappropriate for a twelve year old! I was hoping you could suggest something else.”

    Me: “What’s the book, ma’am?”

    Customer: ”I don’t want to say the name out loud. There are children present.”

    (The customer hands over the assigned reading list. The book is ‘Moby Dick’.)

    Me: “It’s not a dirty book, ma’am. Moby Dick is a story about a man and his hunt to kill an elusive white whale. It’s actually rather good. I read it when I was about your daughter’s age.”

    Customer: “Well, they should name it something different. You should tell the author person he needs to change the name.”

    Not So Crazy About Tim And Daisy

    | Helsinki, Finland |

    (We sell DVDs as well as books. A customer has taken interest in the complete ‘Spaced’ DVD box. As it is one of my favorite shows, I offer to help.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you? That’s an excellent show, by the way.”

    Customer: “Yeah? What is it about?”

    Me: “It’s a British rom-com with some geeky humor. The cast and the crew describe it as a labor of love, since they had such a small budget. You can really tell they enjoyed making it.”

    Customer: “I don’t want it if it’s made with love!”

    (The customer puts the box away with a look of disgust and leaves in a huff.)

    High-Five Cents

    | Nova Scotia, Canada |

    (A line has formed at the cash. My boss is doing paperwork at the desk behind me. I finish ringing up a customer.)

    Me: “Hello there, ma’am. Before I ring you in, would you like a plastic bag today? I only ask because they do cost five cents extra.”

    (She looks at me in angry disgust.)

    Customer: “You still charge people even though it’s raining outside?! That’s disgusting! Are you proud of yourself?!”

    Me: “Since all of the proceeds from plastic bags go to a wildlife preservation foundation, yes. I am proud of myself.”

    (The customer stalks away in disgust. I turn around to see my boss staring at me.)

    Manager: “Did you just say that?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    (She raises her hand for a high-five.)

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