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    Lost In Holy Translation

    | Australia | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid, Religion

    Me: “Hi! How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hey, do you have The Bible?”

    Me: “Yeah, heaps. Let me—”

    Customer: “No.” *looking at phone* “I need The Bible by the author… King James!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Do you have it?”

    Me: “Sure…”

    Trying To Go Beyond Beyonders

    | USA | Books & Reading, Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

    (I’m working in the kids’ section of our bookstore.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for the fourth book in the ‘Beyonders’ series.”

    Me: “Oh, well, ‘Beyonders’ is a trilogy.”

    Customer: “Okay. Do you have the fourth book?”

    Me: “It’s a trilogy, so there isn’t a fourth book. But I can show you some of the other books by that author. He’s pretty popular!”

    Customer: “No, my son wants the fourth book of the Beyonders, not something else. Can you order it for me?”

    Me: “No, because there isn’t a fourth book.”

    Customer: “My son SAID he wants the FOURTH BOOK. Just show me where they are and I’ll find it myself.”

    (I show her where the three books are. After combing through the shelf for five minutes, the woman leaves empty handed and angry.)

    Customer: “I’ll just order it online!”

    Doesn’t Have The Gift(card) Of Foresight

    | Miami, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Books & Reading, Money

    (I have previously worked for a large bookstore chain that went out of business. I now work at their competitor.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Current Bookstore] in South Miami. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, do you guys accept [Previous Bookstore]’s gift cards?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t. They were a different company, so they’re not valid here.”

    Caller: “But when I go to their website it redirects me to yours!”

    Me: “Yes. When the company closed, [Current Bookstore] bought their domain, and I believe their mailing lists, but they were never actually affiliated with them.”

    Caller: “So you don’t accept their gift cards?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but no. They were a different company. ”

    Caller: “So what am I supposed to do with this gift card?”

    Me: “I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do. The company went out of business. It’s closed. The cards are worthless now.”

    Caller: “But someone paid good money for these cards!”

    Me: “I understand that. But I worked for [Previous Bookstore] when they went under. When they announced their bankruptcy, they also made it very clear that as they liquidated they would only accept gift cards through a certain date. There were signs all over the stores. You had two months to come and use the card. After that, even the stores stopped accepting them. [Previous Bookstore] didn’t exist. They were owned by a liquidation company at that point.”

    Caller: “But someone paid for this. And you’re telling me that money is gone?! That’s unacceptable! I want my money!!”

    Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, the store closed three years ago. How important could the value of that card be to you if you’ve waited three years?”

    (Click.)

    The Rains Of Custamere

    | Bern, Switzerland | Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Movies & TV

    (I am discussing with a coworker the Red Wedding episode of ‘Game Of Thrones.’ We go all detailed and compare every action with the books. Suddenly, we hear a sobbing noise behind us. Turning around, we see that a young customer is standing behind us. She’s close to tears.)

    Customer: “Godd*** spoilers!”

    (The customer runs out of the store.)

    Coworker: “Well, you ruined her life. That’s the curse of being a bookstore employee.”

    In Desperate Need Of Books

    | UK | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid

    (A teenager is looking for a book with her mother. The mother approaches me.)

    Customer’s Mum: “Hi, do you have books by Cheryl Cole?”

    Me: “I don’t think she’s released any yet. We do have some biographies about her life, though. Let me show you.”

    Teen Customer: “I’m meant to write some dumb essay for English on a true story written by the person.”

    Me: “Ah, so you’d be looking for an autobiography.”

    (Both customers stare at me blank.)

    Me: “… I’m afraid she hasn’t released an autobiography yet. The only biography we have on her is this unauthorized one.”

    Customer’s Mum: “Oh! See? Unauthorized! That means she wrote it herself, right?”

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