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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Queer As Folk Re-Vamped

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    Customer: “Hey. You were talking about vampire books with the last customer?”

    Me: “The’yre here on the wall next to the counter.”

    Customer: “Do you have any gay ones?”

    Me: “Do you mean as in homoerotic literature?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Oh, no. Have you tried [romance bookshop] across the road?”

    Customer: “Why would I go there? I just want gay vampires.”

    Me: “Well that’s generally a subsection of romance, not Sci-Fi.”

    Customer: “I don’t want romance! I just want gay vampires!”

    Don’t Kid Around About Sex And Violence

    | Huntsville, AL, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “I was in the airport and saw this book it was blue and said something about a ranger. It looked really good, so I was trying to find it here.”

    Me: “Sounds like The Rangers Apprentice series. It’s a kids’ book.”

    Customer: “No, it couldn’t be a kids’ book. It looked really interesting.”

    (Several minutes ensue of trying to find anything else that it could be. I ask him to wait a moment while I check the kids’ section and get the newest Rangers apprentice book and return.)

    Me: “Is this it?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “That’s the book I was telling you about. It’s technically a kids’ series, but it’s still a good book–just without the sex and violence.”

    Customer: “None at all? But that’s why I read them!”

    Contains Crosswords, Sudoku and Tentacles

    | UK |

    (A respectable looking man in his 50′s approaches.)

    Customer: “Hi! Do you sell hentai puzzle magazines?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Hentai puzzles. My daughter likes them.”

    Me: “Could you mean Hanjei puzzles? (Note: Hanjei is a popular puzzle magazine.)

    At A Loss For Words

    | NJ, USA |

    (A younger teenager comes into the store with his dad.)

    Customer: “My teacher says I need to get a book for school.”

    Me: “What’s the title?”

    Customer: “I think it was something like ‘Col-ij-it’. Yeah, that’s definitely it.”

    Me: “How would you spell it?”

    Customer: “C, O, L, I, J, I, T?”

    (I search, and nothing comes up.)

    Me: “Do you know the author?”

    Customer: “I know it was a girl. Maybe like Maryanne? Something like that?”

    Me: “Do you mean you need a Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, but I’m not going to college or anything.”

    The Grinch Who Shocked Christmas

    | PA, USA |

    (It is December and Christmas decorations have been recently put up throughout town. I recognize our town manager, in the store. She is responsible for all the towns’ decorations.)

    Me: *as I am ringing up her books* “I love all the lights downtown!”

    Town Manager: “Thank you!”

    Me: “My favorite is the reindeer topiary garden!”

    Town Manager: *scowling* “Well they do look nice, but unfortunately the children like them too.

    Me: *confused* “Excuse me?”

    Town Manager: “The children! They are always trying to touch the reindeer.”

    Me: “I’m sure they’re very excited about Christmas, and hearing all about Rudolph.”

    Town Manager: “The decorations are for looking at! Not for touching! I suggested electricity but no one liked that idea.”

    Me: “You suggested what?”

    Town Manager: “Just a light jolt, to discourage the children!”

    (I am stunned and silent.)

    Town Manager: “No, no one else liked that idea either.”

    Me: “Here are your books! Happy holidays!”


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