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    Moby Thick

    | New Orleans, LA, USA |

    (A customer comes to our help desk, looking upset.)

    Customer: “My daughter’s teacher assigned this book. It’s totally inappropriate for a twelve year old! I was hoping you could suggest something else.”

    Me: “What’s the book, ma’am?”

    Customer: ”I don’t want to say the name out loud. There are children present.”

    (The customer hands over the assigned reading list. The book is ‘Moby Dick’.)

    Me: “It’s not a dirty book, ma’am. Moby Dick is a story about a man and his hunt to kill an elusive white whale. It’s actually rather good. I read it when I was about your daughter’s age.”

    Customer: “Well, they should name it something different. You should tell the author person he needs to change the name.”

    Not So Crazy About Tim And Daisy

    | Helsinki, Finland |

    (We sell DVDs as well as books. A customer has taken interest in the complete ‘Spaced’ DVD box. As it is one of my favorite shows, I offer to help.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you? That’s an excellent show, by the way.”

    Customer: “Yeah? What is it about?”

    Me: “It’s a British rom-com with some geeky humor. The cast and the crew describe it as a labor of love, since they had such a small budget. You can really tell they enjoyed making it.”

    Customer: “I don’t want it if it’s made with love!”

    (The customer puts the box away with a look of disgust and leaves in a huff.)

    High-Five Cents

    | Nova Scotia, Canada |

    (A line has formed at the cash. My boss is doing paperwork at the desk behind me. I finish ringing up a customer.)

    Me: “Hello there, ma’am. Before I ring you in, would you like a plastic bag today? I only ask because they do cost five cents extra.”

    (She looks at me in angry disgust.)

    Customer: “You still charge people even though it’s raining outside?! That’s disgusting! Are you proud of yourself?!”

    Me: “Since all of the proceeds from plastic bags go to a wildlife preservation foundation, yes. I am proud of myself.”

    (The customer stalks away in disgust. I turn around to see my boss staring at me.)

    Manager: “Did you just say that?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    (She raises her hand for a high-five.)

    Not Quite The Code To Success

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Books & Reading, Rude & Risque, Top

    (A friend of mine comes in to buy something. I help her find it, check her out, and we make plans to meet up after my shift is over. We’re both 22 year old brunette girls.)

    Co-worker: “Hey, I think there’s a guy on the phone for you. Did you just help a tall brunette girl?”

    Me: “Yep, I’ll take the call.”

    (I take the phone.)

    Me: “Hello this is [name], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Did you just help a girl find a book?”

    Me: “Yes, it was a copy of the new Margaret Atwood book. Would you like a copy?”

    Caller: “Is that like a code or something?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Caller: “Someone asks for that book and you go home with them?”

    Me: “Sir, she just happened to be a friend of mine. We made plans to hang out later today. Can I help you find a book?”

    Caller: “Oh, so is there a book code that means I can have a threesome with you two?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Caller: “Wait, are you the one with big boobs or no boobs?”

    An Authorized Idiot

    | Benicia, CA, USA | Books & Reading

    (A customer calls the store and asks me to look up a book for her.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can not find a book with that title. Do you know who the author is? I might be able to find it that way.”

    Customer: “I don’t know who the author is, but I know who wrote it!”


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