An elderly woman comes in and shoves a newspaper into my face.

Customer: “Do you have this?”

Confused, I glance at the newspaper and can’t see what she’s talking about.

Me: “What item, ma’am?”

She punches at a specific ad in the newspaper and yells at me.

Customer: “THIS BOOK!”

Me: *Looking it up* “I’m afraid we don’t have it.”

She doesn’t seem to believe me, so my coworker comes over and also checks, but no book. Then, the customer wanders around the store and then comes back with two books.

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer: “Not good.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry!”

Customer: “It was because of you!”

She huffed out of the store. Not my fault we didn’t have the random book she was looking for!

I work at a bookstore. We have a usual customer who is extremely odd. One of the things he’s done is lick the books, but we’ve never actually caught him. We recently installed CCTV cameras to prevent theft, as we have other customers who try to steal our merchandise. With the health crisis going on, we’re really cracking down on people being sanitary and wearing masks. One day, I see the usual customer come in and head straight to the religious section. I follow him discreetly to see if he’ll lick the books again. Sure enough, he picks up a Bible, takes off his mask, and licks the inside cover.

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Please don’t lick the books.”

Customer: “But do you know how much fiction is in this d*** book?! Thousands of years of hatred and wars because a bunch of losers believed some guy who lived ten thousand years ago!”

Me: “Sir, that is completely your opinion, but it’s for sanitary reasons, especially in these times. Now, I have to ask you to purchase the book.”

He started ripping pages out and throwing them everywhere, and I called for security. They came quickly, and he started throwing other merchandise off of the shelves and licking some of it. About half the books in that section were damaged, and he had two options: pay and leave for good, or we’d call the police.

He didn’t like those options. He left, but not before spitting on a book about female serial killers.

We wound up damaging out over a dozen books. We sent the tape to the police, and he was arrested for destruction of property.

Related:
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction, Part 4
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction, Part 3
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction, Part 2
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction

It is 2010, around Presidents’ Day, and we have a big display of books about and by Presidents, including current President Barack Obama. I am politically liberal and have had a very long day.

Customer: “Excuse me, miss.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “I hate to say it, but it looks like someone spat on this Obama book.”

I look, and she is sadly correct; there is a gross smear all over the book’s cover.

Me: “Well, that’s a shame, but I appreciate you letting me know.”

Customer: “What will you do?”

Me: “I’ll probably go spit on a Glenn Beck book to even things out.”

I thought I was doomed for a second, but she burst out laughing.

I go to a used bookstore sometimes to buy and sell books. One day, my mother, who isn’t the best customer, comes along with me to sell books. The owner goes through my books, and he sorts them into two piles, one which is significantly smaller than the other one. 

Owner: “I’ll buy these for five dollars.”

He gestures to the smaller pile. 

Me: “Okay.”

Mother: “Now, wait a minute. Why won’t you buy the rest?”

Owner: “There’s no room for them, they’re not worth much, and I have full shelves.”

Mother: “But she’s giving them to you for a decent price!”

Me: “Mom, it’s okay. We’ve been through this before.”

Mother: “No, it’s not okay. These books are worth more than five dollars! He should at least give you twenty!”

Me: “Mom, stop. These books are more than ten years old. He’s right; they’re really not worth much.”

Mother: “I still think he should give you twenty.”

Me: “Sorry about that, [Owner]. I’ll take a five.”

It’s a quiet weekday, around lunchtime, and I’m doing a shift at the cash register. I see a man in a business suit come in with one of our store bags and head in my direction.

Me: “Hello, sir! Did you have a return or exchange you wanted to do today?”

The man sets the bag on the counter and pulls out a hardcover book. The whole time he speaks to me, he’s perfectly polite and never raises his voice, but his tone shows his frustration and annoyance.

Customer: “Yes, I bought this book on Saturday, and when I sat down to read it, I found that it was bound upside down. I know I could just turn it over, but if I spend this much on something, it shouldn’t be messed up. So now I’ve had to use my lunch hour to come all the way back here…”

As he’s speaking, I slip the dust jacket off, see that the title stamped on the book’s spine is upside down, flip the book over, and put the dust jacket back on.

Customer: *Notices what I’ve done* “Oh, good grief. Am I the stupidest customer you’ve ever seen?”

Me: *Laughing* “No, sir, sorry. This is not even in my top ten! Since you’re here, maybe you’d like to stop by the café, so you don’t miss lunch?”

Customer: “Hey, good idea!”

He submitted a good survey for me!