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  • His Attitude Speaks Volumes
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    Kids Like Scratch And Sniff Anyway

    | Gainesville, FL, USA |

    Me: “I’m sorry, we only have that book in paperback. Would you like me to order the hardback?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m replacing a damaged book and the school library insisted that it be hardback.”

    (While I begin to collect her information, the customer starts muttering sulkily.)

    Customer: “We shouldn’t have to replace it. Our dog urinated on it. The pages are a little stained, but it dried. It’s not like it smells or anything. You can still read it. Those librarians are so picky!”

    Polarized Politics Predisposes People To Puerility

    | Provo, UT, USA |

    (I go to a religious university. I am wearing an Obama 2012 shirt while shopping for my textbooks. I am approached by a middle-aged woman.)

    Customer: “You shouldn’t be in here! I want you to leave this bookstore! How can I shop when you are wearing that abomination?”

    (I laugh, roll my eyes, and continue shopping. The customer gets an employee.)

    Customer: “I want her thrown out! That shirt is offensive to a holy place of learning!”

    Employee: “I’m sorry ma’am, I can’t throw her out. The t-shirt is in no way explicit or offensive.”

    Customer: “It’s offensive! I’m offended!”

    Employee: “I’m sorry ma’am, there’s nothing I can do.”

    Customer: “I’m leaving! I can’t shop in a place where the antichrist is advertised! You’re all going to h***!”

    Eavesdroppers’ Remorse

    | Pleasant Hill, USA |

    (A young woman and her boyfriend are in the adult section talking in whispers so as not to disturb other customers. Another woman storms up to the information desk.)

    Customer #1: “Excuse me! I want you to throw those two out right now!”

    Me: “May I ask why?”

    Customer #1: “They’re talking about a very inappropriate subject.”

    Me: “We’ll, ma’am, they are in the adult section.”

    Customer #1: “I heard them talking about… ugh. How can you let them say those things?”

    Customer #2: “Pardon me, I would like to complain about this woman. She’s been looming over our shoulders for fifteen minutes.”

    Me, to customer #1: “Let me get this straight. You walked into the adult section, got real close to a whispered conversation, listened for fifteen minutes, and want to complain because you don’t like the subject? Why would you listen for that long if you didn’t like what you heard?”

    Customer #1: “Um, er, uh…” *leaves in a hurry*

    Good Students Stick To The Books

    | MI, USA |

    Customer: “I need books for my son’s chemistry lab class. No used copies, please. I only want new.”

    (I come back bringing a new copy of the book and give it to her. The cover of the book is made out of paper that has a shiny texture.)

    Customer: “This book is all sticky! Do you have any copies that aren’t all sticky?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. They are all like that. That’s just how they are made.”

    Customer: “Are you sure these are new? They feel sticky! My son can’t have used books. These feel like they’ve been used!”

    Me: “The book is brand new. We don’t even sell any used copies of it, because students have to write in it and tear out pages.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’m going to look somewhere else for that book. Do you have the books for his other class?”

    (I look up the class and all we have are used copies. I bring out the best looking used copy we have and offer it. It looks like it hasn’t been opened.)

    Customer: “No, this is used. I can’t buy anything that is used! Someone might have read it in bed!”

    Best Not To Be Tolkien Too Seriously

    | Roseville, MN, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for a book but I don’t know the title or author. Can you find it for me?”

    Me: “Do you know anything about it? Is it fiction or non-fiction?”

    Customer: “It’s non-fiction for sure. All I know is it was made into a movie and it takes place in New Zealand.”

    Me: “I’m sorry but I’m not sure what book you’re looking for. Wait…you don’t mean Lord of the Rings, do you?”

    Customer: “Yes! That’s it!”

    Me: “Well, we certainly have that in. Just for future reference, sir, non-fiction means it’s a true story.”

    Customer: “Yes, it’s a true story! Thank you!”


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