Customer: “I’d like to get a new copy of this book.”

(The customer puts a very wet Harry Potter book on the desk.)

Customer: “It got wrecked and I really want to finish it.”

Me: “No problem. How did you ruin it?”

Customer: “It was very good…”

*pause*

Me: “…and?”

Customer: *slightly sheepish* “I was reading it in the shower.”

Related:
Totally, Like, Excruciatus

Caller: “Hi I’m looking for the hounds…er hound of baskerville?”

Me: “Oh, of course. You mean the Sherlock Holmes novel?”

Caller: “Oh, my! I didn’t know Sherlock Holmes actually wrote that one!”

(At the college bookstore where I work, students can sell their books back for cash at the end of the semester.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I won’t be able to buy your textbook back because of the water damage.”

(I flip through the book’s crinkled, sticky pages.)

Student: “Oh, it’s okay. It’s not water damage, it’s humidity. I went on vacation to Missouri and it was humid.”

Me: “I still can’t take your book back because I cannot sell this to another student in this condition.”

Student: “But it’s not water damage! It’s humidity! Humidity made the pages stick together!”

Me: “Ma’am, what is humidity?”

Student: “Water, duh!”

(There’s a pause while the wheels begin to turn in her head.)

Student: “Oh…can you help me find my other books, then?”

(Two middle aged women approach me.)

Customer 1: “Excuse me? Can you help me find something?”

Me: “Sure, ma’am. What are you looking for? Gift ideas maybe?”

Customer 1: “Yes exactly, I need a present that will interest a 14 year old boy.”

Customer 2: *interjecting* “But not porn!”

Me: “I think I can accommodate those taxing conditions.”

(I’m in the comics section, helping a man find a present for his daughter. I’ve picked up a book by a popular artist.)

Customer: “It looks nice, but I already got her one of these things for her birthday. I don’t want to give her the same gift twice.”

Me: “Are you sure? This book came out pretty recently. Did yours have the same title as this one?”

Customer: “I don’t remember.”

Me: “Did the cover have the same colors as this?”

Customer: “I don’t remember.”

Me: “Is there anything you recall about the book you got for her birthday?”

Customer: *after a long, thoughtful pause* “It was made of paper!”