Me: “Hello, ma’am, is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to find a book on rodents.”

Me: “Rodents?”

Customer: “Yes, I have some little creature running around my garage and I need to know what it is. I think it might be a vulva.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “You know, it’s small and looks like a mole or a hamster. A vulva.”

Me: “I think you mean a ‘vole’.”

Customer: “Oh right, that’s it. Do you have any books on voles?”

Bored teen girl (between snapping her chewing gum): “Yeah–I’m looking for this book, When I Drop Dead?”

Me: “I can’t seem to find it in the system. Do you know who the author is?”

Bored teen girl: “I dunno. Flooker or Flocker or something.”

*A light goes on in my head*

Me: “Do you mean AS I LAY DYING, by WILLIAM FAULKNER??”

Her: *explosive sigh* “Yeah. Whatever. That.”

Customer: “Hi. I need a threesis.”

Clerk: “A…pardon?

Customer: “You know–a threesis. It has other words that mean the same as the word you look up.”

Clerk: “Oh…do you mean a thesaurus?”

Customer: “Duh! That’s a dinosaur! I need a threesis!”

Customer: “I’d like to have this book.” *holding a yoga book about relaxation with discount sticker on it*

Me: “I’m sorry sir. There seems to have been a mistake here. The book is to be sold at full price. The sticker was put on it by mistake.”

Customer: *A bit frustrated* “Can I get a discount anyway?”

Me: “I’ll see what I can do.” *trying to change the price in the
register* “…I’m sorry. This book has a locked price.”

Customer: “Well, shove it up your a**hole then!” *storms out*

(I work at a bookstore; this happens almost daily)

Customer: “Excuse me, where is your gardening section?”

Me: “Over there.”

Customer: “I mean gardening BOOKS.”

Customer: “Do you have any maps of South Africa?” (We’re in Ontario, Canada.)

Me, having a look: “No, it seems we don’t. Your best bet will be online or to wait till you get there.”

Customer: “But you have maps of everywhere else! I looked in the computer and it said you had them!”

Me: “Did we have any in stock?”

Customer: “You have maps of places all over the states, but not South Africa.”

Me: “I guess there’s more interest cause people can drive there.”

Customer: “This is discrimination! I want a map of South Africa.”

Me: “Let me go check the computer again.” *runs*

(I was working on the customer service desk and answered a call from a customer inquiring about a special order they had placed)

Customer: “Yes my name is ****. The name of the DVD is ‘Spring Break’.”

(I put the customer’s details into the computer, and the search results say the full name of the DVD was “Spring Break Sex Riot” which also had an…. explicit cover on it. I assumed that there must have been a mistake and the wrong title was ordered)

Me: “Um……. I think I found your order here on the system, but it hasn’t arrived in the store yet. I think there might be a mistake here–could you give me some more details about the film?”

Customer: “Ah man, you’re missing out!! You have to see it!! Its about all these hot chicks who go on spring break and have lots of sex! Its excellent!”

Me: *glad I have never been this desperate*

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Yeah, I know. You called a bookstore.”