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    Obviously, He Needs Food For Thought

    | Connecticut, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I work in a large, well-known used bookstore. We offer complimentary coffee and doughnuts to our patrons, but we do not have a cafe or serve any other food. The bookshelves are extremely obvious and numerous. A middle-aged man enters.)

    Customer: “I’ll have a medium hot dog to go.”

    Me: *laughing* “Sorry, sir! We’re fresh out of hot dogs!”

    Customer: *rolling his eyes and heaving a big sigh* “Okay, then what else do you have?”

    Me: “Um, we have coffee and doughnuts.”

    Customer: “That’s it? You don’t have any sandwiches or anything? What kind of a restaurant is this?”

    Me: “We’re a bookstore.”

    Customer: “A bookstore!? But I’m hungry!”

    Me: “Well, like I said, we do have coffee and doughnuts–”

    Customer: “Forget it! I’ll find another restaurant. This is ridiculous!”

    Related:Obviously, She Needs Food For Thought

    Mavis Beacon’s Cousin Or Something

    | New York, NY, USA | Books & Reading

    Customer: “I’m looking for this foreign language program my friend has, but I can’t remember the name of it.”

    Me: “Okay, well, was it a book or was it for the computer?”

    Customer: “It goes on the computer. I think it was called…Susan?”

    Me: “Susan? I can’t say I’ve heard of it.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m sure you have. It’s very famous! I just can’t remember her last name. It’s her first and last name. Can you look it up?”

    (I bring her to the computer and try to pull up the name of the program, but the computer can’t find anything.)

    Customer: “Maybe it’s not Susan. It’s definitely a woman’s name, though.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t find it. Let me show you where all the computer programs like that are, though. Maybe it’ll jog your memory.”

    (I walk her over educational computer program area.)

    Customer: “Oh, I see it! Rosetta Stone! I knew it was a woman’s name.”

    One Man In His Time Drinks Many Cups

    | New York, NY, USA | Books & Reading

    Customer: “Can you help me find a book?”

    Me: “Sure! What’s it called?”

    Customer: “It’s Romeo and Juliet, but it’s not by William Shakespeare.”

    Me: “Oh! I actually don’t know any other books or plays with that title. Let’s look it up.”

    Customer: “Hold on, I have the author’s name somewhere.”

    (She digs through her purse and hands me a sheet of paper that says ROMEO AND JULIET (Folger Shakespeare) on it.)

    Customer: “It’s like his grandson or something.”

    Me: “Sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Folger Shakespeare. It’s William Shakespeare’s grandson…or his nephew. He wrote a different version of the play, I guess.”

    Me: “Folger Shakespeare actually just refers to the Folger Library version of that play. It’s still by William Shakespeare.”

    Customer: “No, it’s his relative! It’s a re-write of the play. I’m a theater student, just trust me on this.”

    Me: “Okay. Let me take you over to our Shakespeare section.”

    (We walk over to where his entire collection of plays is. It’s full of many different editions.)

    Customer: “Wow, he came from a really talented family! Look at all these Shakespeares! So, where’s this Folger guy?”

    Identifiers Are For Life

    | Des Moines, IA, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (Customers can come into the store to buy books, or they can create an account with an e-mail address and purchase books online. The account is your email address and whatever password they choose. A customer and his girlfriend come up the service desk.)

    Me: “How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “I can’t access my online account.”

    Me: “Okay, I can help. What is your e-mail address?”

    Customer: “Um…” *stares at the floor*

    Me: “Sir? Your email address?”

    Customer: *quietly says something*

    Me: “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. Could you repeat that please?”

    (By now, other customers are waiting for assistance. Suddenly, the customer shouts his email address, loud enough for everyone to hear.)

    Customer: “Im-a-whore@[ISP].com!”

    Go Beep Yourself

    | Texas, USA | At The Checkout

    (We are having a sale where if you buy any one of a certain set of DVDs or CDs you get a music sampler for free. The customer I’m ringing up has one such item. I grab the music sampler, explain that she gets it for free today, scan it, and place it in her bag.)

    Customer: “Hold on! That isn’t free! You scanned it. You scanned it and your computer went beep! You’re charging me for it!”

    Me: “We have to scan the free items so that we can keep track of our inventory, but it rings up as zero.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me! It went beep! Take it off! I don’t want it if you’re going to charge me!”

    (I turn my computer screen around so that she can see it and point to the title of the music sampler and its price.)

    Me: “See? It rang up zero. I just have to scan it so that we can keep track if how many we sell.”

    Customer: “But it beeped! You b****, don’t lie to me! That’s unchristian! I’m never shopping at this store again!”

    (She snatches up her keys and stomps out of the store without buying anything.)

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