Party Supplies In His Pants

| Charlotte, NC, USA | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Technology

(I am working the tablet display counter when a man walks in with his wife.)

Customer: “So, what’s the difference between these two tablets?”

Me: “This one has a faster processor and is better for playing video games or watching movies.”

Customer: “Good, because I’ll need the larger screen to watch all that po-… uh, party supplies…”

(At this, I can’t keep it together. The wife promptly collects her husband and leaves. As they’re leaving, he says…)

Customer: “I wanted to look at party supplies, honest…”

In A Happy Holi-daze

| MI, USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

Cashier: “Will these books be all for you today?”

Me: “Yep!”

Cashier: “Well, you have a very Merry Christma—”

(The cashier peers at my Star of David necklace with Hebrew engraving.)

Cashier: “—AND I hope you had a wonderful Hanukkah!”

(The cashier then waves to everyone waiting in line to get their attention.)

Cashier: “Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Joyous Kwanzaa, Spiritually Fullfilling Equinox, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”

(The whole line applauds and laughs.)

Me: “That was awesome!”

Cashier: “I know that Happy Holidays covers everything, but wouldn’t it be awesome if I knew all of them just in case?!”

Santa Knows Who’s Being Naughty

| KY, USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(It’s Christmas Eve and I’m working until close. It’s been a very busy day, and I’m not exactly thinking clearly. I’m a girl in my early 20s, generally considered somewhat attractive, as I’m tall and thin with a rather large chest. A young handsome guy approaches the register with a friend, having a conversation in French.)

Me: “Hi there! Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “Yes…” *he leans in close to me, over the counter* “Uh, Playboy have you done, no?”

(I blink at him in surprise for a few seconds. My immediate reaction is to take off my Santa hat, worried it somehow makes me look scantily dressed.)

Me: “I, erm, no, erm, what?”

Customer:Playboy. Magazine. Have you?”

Me: *realizing* “Oh! Oh, no, no, we don’t carry that.”

(He thanks me and we finish the transaction. A coworker, who overheard, leans over to me:)

Coworker: “It’s the Santa hat.”

The Diet Of Tomorrow

| Temagami, ON, Canada | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(It’s just after Christmas:)

Customer: “Hi, do you have [popular diet book]?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we have no copies left in store. It is on order and more will arrive in mid-January, if you can wait that long.”

Customer: “Sure, that’s fine. I have a lot of chocolate to eat before then anyways.”

Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 3

| Chicago, IL, USA | Bizarre, Liars & Scammers

Customer: “I want to return this book.”

Me: “Okay, do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Our return policy is 14 days with a receipt, so since this is outside of that, I need to call over a manager. If you don’t mind, it will be just a moment.”

Customer: “I don’t care about your policy; just give me my money back.”

Me: “Ma’am, the manager is the only one who can make that call. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I’m double parked outside.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, but there’s nothing I can do.”

(The manager comes over. It’s only been about a minute since the customer walked up to me.)

Customer: “God, finally! I need my money back, and I’m double parked outside, so make it quick!”

Manager: “Well, our usual policy is 14 days with a receipt, but we can occasionally make exceptions—”

Customer: “I just read it yesterday!”

Manager: “Wait, you read the whole book?”

Customer: “Yes, and I hated it! That’s why I’m returning it!”

Manager: “Ma’am, that’s not really how a bookstore works. If everyone just returned books after they were done reading them, we would be a library.”

Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

Manager: “Well—”

Customer: “—GOD, FINE! Here’s a receipt if you people need it so badly!”

(Customer throws a crumpled, faded receipt at the manager. She catches it and looks at it, shocked.)

Manager: “Ma’am, this receipt is from [Competitor], who went out of business three years ago.”

Customer: “So?”

Manager: “So it’s not even from our store. I can’t give you your money back.”

Customer: *looking out the window, noticing her car is getting a ticket* “Oh my god, I hate this store! I’m never shopping here again!”

Manager: “You never shopped here in the first place!”

Related:
Doesn’t Understand The ‘Custom’ Part Of Customer, Part 2
Doesn’t Understand The ‘Custom’ Part Of Customer

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