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    Prank Calls Of Urban Legend

    | WI, USA | Books & Reading, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I’ve taken a lot of weird calls over the years and have looked up a lot of strange books and have always maintained a level of professionalism, but this almost broke me.)

    Customer: *older male voice, with a slightly southern accent* “I’m a disabled veteran and need help getting some books.”

    Me: “Okay, what are you looking for?”

    Customer: “Well, I really like… uh… stuff with ‘urban’ women in them.”

    Me: “Ooooookaaay. Um, we’ve got an urban fiction section.”

    Customer: “Oh, good. See, I’m a disabled veteran, and I can’t move around that well, so would you pick some out for me?”

    Me: *getting progressively more uncomfortable* “Well, I…”

    Customer: “I like the urban books because I like black women. I like the way they smell.”

    Me: “…uh.”

    Customer: *breaks into laughter* “Sorry, [My Name], I’m just f***in’ with you. That was great though, you were serious the whole time!”

    Me: “I hate you.”

    I Was Only Borrowing It

    , | Kent, England, UK | Books & Reading

    (I volunteer in a charity second-hand bookstore where all our stock comes from donations. A woman comes into the store.)

    Woman: “Excuse me, do you have ‘The Book Thief?’ I can’t remember who wrote it.”

    Me: “Um, I’m not sure. Let me check.”

    (I ask a coworker, who knows the author. Once we have this we go to the fiction shelves, where the books are in alphabetical order by author.)

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t appear to have it.”

    Woman: “Oh, no! I need a used copy. I borrowed one off my friend and she wants it back, but my husband accidentally gave it to a charity shop and he can’t remember which one.”

    Me: “We can have a look out the back, as we’re currently sorting out some stock.”

    Woman: “Would you? Thank you.”

    (I go out the back where shelves of books ready to go out are sitting. They are not in order so it takes a few moments to search, but luckily we have one.)

    Me: “Got it!” *I hand it over*

    Woman: “Thank you so much! This may even be the copy we donated.”

    (We head to the till and she offers to pay as we are a charity.)

    Me: *as she leaves* “Tell hubby it cost £20 to buy it back!”

    Woman: *laughing* “Oh, he’ll be paying for this for a long time!”

    (It was only afterwards that we realised the irony in losing a book called ‘The Book Thief!’)

    This Is Not What A Feminist Looks Like

    | Dayton, OH, USA | Bizarre, Books & Reading, Language & Words, Politics

    (A woman approaches me at the counter, looking over her shoulder as if she is looking out for someone.)

    Me: “Can I… help you, ma’am?”

    Woman: “Yes, um, I was wondering if you had any books about…” *drops her voice to an urgent whisper* “… the ‘F’ word.”

    Me: “Well, um, we have the ‘Kama Sutra’ in our world cultures section and our romance novel and erotica are—”

    Woman: “No, no! The other ‘F’-word.”

    Me: *thoroughly confused* “I’m afraid I’m not following ,ma’am…”

    Woman: “The ‘F’-word, you know!”

    Me: “Really, ma’am, I don’t. Would you like to write it down for me to—”

    Woman: “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! FEMINISM! I’m looking for a book on feminism! Now the whole store knows my business! THANK YOU!”

    (She proceeds to quickly flee the store, apologizing to other patrons as she leaves.)

    Next Customer: “Is she going to be all right?”

    Me: “I certainly hope so.”

    Party Supplies In His Pants

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Technology

    (I am working the tablet display counter when a man walks in with his wife.)

    Customer: “So, what’s the difference between these two tablets?”

    Me: “This one has a faster processor and is better for playing video games or watching movies.”

    Customer: “Good, because I’ll need the larger screen to watch all that po-… uh, party supplies…”

    (At this, I can’t keep it together. The wife promptly collects her husband and leaves. As they’re leaving, he says…)

    Customer: “I wanted to look at party supplies, honest…”

    In A Happy Holi-daze

    | MI, USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    Cashier: “Will these books be all for you today?”

    Me: “Yep!”

    Cashier: “Well, you have a very Merry Christma—”

    (The cashier peers at my Star of David necklace with Hebrew engraving.)

    Cashier: “—AND I hope you had a wonderful Hanukkah!”

    (The cashier then waves to everyone waiting in line to get their attention.)

    Cashier: “Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Joyous Kwanzaa, Spiritually Fullfilling Equinox, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”

    (The whole line applauds and laughs.)

    Me: “That was awesome!”

    Cashier: “I know that Happy Holidays covers everything, but wouldn’t it be awesome if I knew all of them just in case?!”

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