(It was summer reading time for the high schoolers near our store. This girl comes in, smacking her gum and looking rather bored.)

Girl: “I need this book, it’s called… something like Ode to Pus or something.”

Me: “Ode… to Pus?”

Girl: “Yeah its by some guy named So-fo-Kulls?”

Me:“You mean… you need to read Oedipus by Sophocles?”

Girl: “Yeah, yeah. Ode to Pus by that guy.”

(I’ve never laughed so hard in my entire life.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Great–any book in particular, or a specific genre? We’ve got a large selection, and are able to order almost any book from our warehouse if we don’t have it in stock.”

Customer: “I just saw it on TV this morning, and I knew it would change my life.”

Me: “Uh…ok, was it on Oprah?”

Customer: “No, it was on that other show.”

Me: “Okay, do you remember the title or author?”

Customer: “NO! IT WAS ON THE TV!”

Me: “It’s very difficult to look for a book without a title or author. Do you remember what it was about? Was it a religious book? We might be able to search the shelves.”

Customer: “IT WAS ON THE TV THIS MORNING! GEEZ!”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am. Can you give me anything that might help me help you find the book?”

Customer: “Where is the book? I’d know it if I saw it. It’s got a red cover.”

Me: “Well–tell you what. I’m not able to help you find it today, but feel free to look around.”

Customer: “Why can’t you help me? IT WAS ON TV! DON’T YOU PEOPLE WATCH TV?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I work in a bookstore. I like to READ.”

Customer: “FINE! I’LL GO SOMEWHERE WHERE THEY KNOW WHAT I WANT!”

(The customer storms off as my manager comes out and tells me she’s glad that I handled that; we both break into laughter.)

(During Christmas season, our large bookstore gets awfully busy. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, this is ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Sure, I can help you out. Do you know the title?”

Customer: “Okay, so the book is about a bunny rabbit and I used to read it when I was a kid. It had a pink cover.”

Me: “…do you know the title, maybe?”

Customer: “Look, I’m very busy and I need this book for my kid. It’s about a bunny and the cover is pink. How many pink bunny books can there possibly be? Go look for it!”

Me: “Sir, we have no option in our search system regarding book covers–”

Customer: “Look. Go f***ing find it. I’m very busy!”

Me: “Sure, let me put you on hold for a little bit.” *click*

(Later, I found out that a customer came in looking for a pink bunny book and a ‘fruity sounding’ bookseller. I’m a girl.)

Me: “Hello ma’am, what can I do for you?”

Woman: “Well, I’m looking for a book to get my daughter reading, but I’m not sure where to look.”

Me: “Okay, what does your daughter like?”

Woman: “She really likes ghosts…and gangs.”

Me: “?”

Woman: “Oh, she’s a gang member.”

Me: “Um…”

(A tiny, little white girl in a wife beater hops up to the desk.)

Girl: “Yo, mama, you find me a d*mn book yet?”

Me: “…true crime?”

(So, I help them find a book about gang wars, because I guess that fits both stipulations and take them to the register. My manager is working the register and tells me that he used to be really good friends with the mother. After I tell him that she said her little girl was a gang member he tells me that “they both were always a little stupid.”)

(I was in the ladies room during a shift, wearing a skirt. This is key.)

Woman, in stall next to mine: “You’re not wearing any pants!”

(I ignore her, thinking she’s on the phone.)

Woman: *starts banging on the wall between us* “You’re not wearing any pants!”

Me: “…I’m…sorry?”

Woman: “You! You’re not wearing any pants!” *bangs some more*

Me: “And you know this how?”

Woman: “I can see your legs! They’re bare! You’re not wearing any pants!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m wearing a *skirt*.”

(The woman stops banging on the wall, and is completely silent. I never got to know what she thought of a woman wearing a skirt.)

(It’s the Harry Potter Midnight party. Customers are dressed as characters from the book. Most are children, but there are also some overly enthusiastic/creepy adults wandering around.)

Lone Witch Lady: “This is so exciting! What are you doing with the boxes that the books came in? Can I have one?”

Me: “I don’t see why not, but I’ll have to ask my manager.” *asks manager* “I’m sorry, we have to keep them for inventory.”

Lone Witch Lady: “Are you sure? My cats would love one. ”

Me: “Your…cats? Would they seriously love a Harry Potter cardboard box more than a plain cardboard box?”

Lone Witch Lady: “Oh, yes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we can’t give them away. Um, have you tried the Bertie Bots Bean Counting Contest?”

Lone Witch Lady: “Ooh!” *scampers off*

(Background: I’m the only female employee at the comic/card shop, and I was hired for my comic knowledge.)

Customer, to my male co-worker: “Did Booster Gold have a series before the new series?”

(Male coworker looks to me because he’s the card guy.)

Me: “Yeah. Early nineties. We’ve got a couple of back issues in the dollar box.”

Customer, to my male coworker: “So you guys have it?”

Coworker: “If she says we have it, we have it.”

Customer, finally looking at me: “Oh, you know about comics?”

Me: “That’s why they hired me.”

Customer: “But you’re a girl!”

Customer: “WHERE ARE MY BOOKS?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I had a big pile of books and I put them on that bench and now they’re gone!”

Me: “I’m so sorry about that ma’am. See, a lot of customers just leave books around the store so we regularly walk around and put away books that are left out.”

Customer: “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”

Me: “To keep the store in some kind of logical order. What books were they? I’ll help you find them again.”

Customer: “I don’t REMEMBER! You tell ME what books they were!”

Me: “I have no idea what books you had ma’am, but I can walk around the store with you and see if we can jog your memory.”

Customer: “I have foot problems! I’m very old! I can’t walk around the store all over again! Find my books!”

(At this point a manager intervenes and between him and 3 other employees we actually find all 7 of the books this lady wanted. She didn’t say thank you, proceeded to walk around the store without any problem, and then leave the books on the same bench again and leave the store without buying anything.)

(I have been cleaning up the magazine section for over an hour, as people leave piles of magazines all over the store rather than buying them or putting them back. Two women approach me as I’m working.)

Woman #1: “Excuse me, didn’t you have chairs here in this section before?”

Me: “Yes we did, but we took them away because this area isn’t monitored as often and it results in a large mess and damaged products.”

Woman #2, after leaving a pile of magazines on the floor: “Oh, so you mean you got lazy.”

(I try hard to not roll up a magazine and bop her on the head with it.)

(We are accustomed to seeing celebrities walk into our store. One day, Forest Whitaker came in looking for a book. We played it cool and treated him like any other customer. Just as he was leaving, one of our regulars recognized him.)

Customer: “Oh my god! You’re Forest Whitaker! You were in [movie]!”

Forest: “No, I wasn’t.”