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    Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 2

    | Germany | Rude & Risque

    (I’m a customer, and overhear an elderly gentleman and the hairdresser who is cutting his hair. The gentleman’s wife is present, too.)

    Hairdresser: “Do you want me to take off any more on the top of your head?”

    Customer: “Yes, yes, go ahead!”

    Hairdresser: “All right, but if I cut it any shorter, the hair up there will be standing on end.”

    Customer’s wife: “Well, at least something will still be standing erect, then.”

    Hair Today, Coupon Tomorrow

    | Salem, OR, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [hair salon]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Do you do haircuts?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We are a hair salon. We do haircuts.”

    Customer: “How much does it cost?”

    Me: “It depends on the style you want it cut into. It’s usually about [price] or so.”

    Customer: “Do I get a discount if I let you keep my hair when it’s done?”

    A Face For Every Occasion

    | Birmingham, UK | Top

    (A customer is getting a beauty treatment done and is trying to work out why she has skin problems.)

    Customer: “I just don’t understand it. I take really good care
    of my skin. I get facials and I only use really good make-up.”

    Me: “Well, the problem could be caused by something really simple, like an allergic reaction. Have you always used the same brand of make-up?”

    Customer: “Yes, and I only use the best! I can’t be allergic, I don’t ever use the cheap stuff!”

    Me: “It’s probably something else then. What do you use to remove your make-up?”

    Customer: “Like…what?”

    Me: “When you take off your make up at night, what do you use?”

    Customer: *silence*

    Me: “Do you use a cleanser or soap and water?”

    Customer: “I don’t take it off. Are you supposed to?”

    Me: “Well, yes. Make-up can cause damage to your pores if you wear it constantly. Why don’t you take it off?”

    Customer: “In case I have to answer my door when I’m asleep.”

    Me: “In your sleep?”

    Customer: “Don’t judge my social life! You probably don’t have many friends!”

    Mind Over Biodegradable Matter

    | New York City, NY, USA |

    (I work in a very environmentally conscious salon. We provide mugs for people to use for their coffee so that no garbage is created.)

    Me: “Hi! My name is ***. I’m going to be cutting your hair today. Tell me what you would like to–”

    Customer: “Do you have a styrofoam cup?”

    Me: “We have mugs right here. would you like some coffee?”

    Customer: “Are you crazy? I can’t use a public mug, I’m a doctor! Do you even know what kind of germs are on those mugs?!”

    Me: “I assure you that the mugs are perfectly clean. Also, we don’t believe in using styrofoam because it is bad for the environment.”

    Customer: “Are you for real? You don’t have a styrofoam cup anywhere in this whole place?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m sure.”

    (I get her away from the coffee discussion and start cutting her hair and making small talk.)

    Me: “So, what kind of doctor are you?”

    Customer: “A psychiatrist.”

    Divas Balk But Money Talks

    | Oakland, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [nail salon]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, we had an appointment for four mani/pedis.”

    Me: “Okay, can I get your name? And how old are these three?”

    Customer: “Why do you need to know how old they are?”

    Me: “If they’re under 12, they get Princess mani/pedis which are ten dollars less.”

    Customer: “No. I want them to have real mani/pedis.”

    (I try to explain twice more that there is no difference besides the price. She starts to yell, causing a scene and bothering other customers.)

    Customer: “You’re trying to give them bad service! I want them to have good nails!”

    Me: “I understand, and they will. Princess treatments are only less because their nails are smaller so they don’t take as–”

    Customer: “I want them to have REAL mani/pedis! You’re trying to give them half-a**ed service!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the only difference is the price. Do you want to pay $156 or $129?”

    Customer: “…Well in that case, yes. They’re all under 12.”

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