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    You Have The Right To Remain Drunk

    | Nebraska, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (It’s the end of the night and I’m standing at the front door to make sure no one takes their drinks out of the building, which is illegal in Nebraska. I stop one gentleman on his way out with a beer.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir. You can’t step out with that.”

    Customer: “I think I can.”

    Me: “No, sir, you really can’t.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah?”

    (He pulls out his wallet and shows me a crude fabric badge sewn on to it.)

    Customer: “You’d better let me go and give me my beer before you get your a** in trouble.”

    Me: “So, you’re going to throw me in jail for keeping you from breaking the law?”

    Customer: *belches loudly, vomits a bit on his shirt, and leaves empty handed*

    As Long As Every Lady Is A Queen

    | California, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Top

    (I work at a gay male bar as a bouncer. I normally escort or throw out guys due to inappropriate behavior. One day, however, the manager calls me over to throw out a woman. Afterwards, I ask the manager what happened.)

    Me: “What was that about?”

    Manager: “She kept on insisting to meet me to implement a suggestion for the bar.”

    Me: “Oh…so why did you have me kick her out?”

    Manager: “She was insistent, and got more and more agitated when I told her we’d never do that.”

    Me: “And what was her suggestion?”

    Manager: “She said we should have Ladies Night so that more men would come here.”

    On The Rocks, Easy On The Fun

    | Reno, NV, USA | Food & Drink

    (A guy sits down at the bar and asks for a virgin bloody mary.)

    Me: “One virgin mary, right away.”

    (I turn around to make the drink.)

    Customer: “But no fruit.”

    (I turn back around to confirm the order.)

    Me: “One virgin bloody mary, no fruit.”

    Customer: *nods*

    (I turn around again to go and make the drink.)

    Customer: “And not spicy.”

    Me: “So, you would like a glass of tomato juice?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes. A glass of tomato juice.”

    Judge Me Not By The Color Of My Liquor

    | Manchester, UK | Food & Drink

    Customer: “Could I have a vodka and lemonade, and a whisky and cola?

    Me: “Yes, sir, coming right up!”

    (I make the drinks and place them in front of him.)

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Customer: “No, thanks, but which one is which?”

    Trending In The Wrong Direction

    | UK |

    (I work at a fairly indie bar. We have a lot of real ales on tap, which we serve in special old-fashioned mugs.)

    Me: “Here you go,sir. One [name of ale].”

    Customer: “This mug has a short straw on the bottom.”

    Me: “That’s okay, I can take it off.” *moving to pull it away*

    Customer: “Nah, you can leave it on. I want to start a new fashion trend!”

    Me: *laughing* “Okay, I’ll leave it for you. That comes to [total].”

    Customer: *hands over money* “Actually, I better take it off. The missis might get jealous I started a new trend and she didn’t!”

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