How Artists Draw Blank Faces

| London, England, UK | Bizarre

(I am waitressing at a wedding party being held above a bar in an art gallery. I have popped down to the bar to use their dishwasher. There are lots of contemporary art displays around the bar.)

Customer: “Hi, could I get a pint of Carling?”

Me: “Oh sorry, I don’t actually work here. You’ll have to ask someone else.”

Customer: “But you’re wearing uniform?”

(My uniform is not even slightly similar to the bar staff’s.)

Me: “Oh, that’s because I’m a waitress; I’m from upstairs.”

Customer: “Oh right, I thought you might be another art display. Okay, bye…”

Better Make It A Double

| Ipswich, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Top, Underaged

(I am working in a pub, and my sister, my identical twin, has come in to say hello during a busy period. She has queued, and I have served her an alcoholic drink. I am just handing it over when this conversation starts.)

Customer: “You didn’t check the ID of this girl. She doesn’t look old enough to drink. I demand you check her ID!”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but I can assure you that she is old enough to drink.”

Customer: “She is only about 12! She is nowhere old enough to drink. I will call the police if you do not check her ID!”

Me: “Sir, she is old enough to drink. She is my sister, and I can assure you that she is 20 years old.”

Customer: “If you won’t check her ID, I am going to call the police!”

(The customer takes his phone out and makes a show of dialing. My sister looks embarrassed, but pays for her drink, shows me her driving license as she does look young, and takes a seat at the bar.)

Me: “See? My sister is old enough to drink.”

Customer: “No! You’re breaking the law!” *to everyone around us* “She’s breaking the law!”

(Hearing the commotion, security comes.)

Security: “What is the trouble, sir?”

Customer: “That girl has served a drink to an underage customer! She used a fake ID; I saw her!”

Security: “Sir, can’t you see the resemblance? The girl serving you is the identical twin of this customer. If she is old enough to serve you drinks, her twin is old enough to drink, too.”

Customer: *muttering* “Well… she doesn’t look as old as she does!” *leaves*

When Toxic Personalities Become Intoxicated

| Nashville, TN, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, School, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am bartending at a neighborhood dive that caters mostly to a set of regulars who were minimum wage or blue collar workers, but occasionally some of the kids from an expensive nearby university would wander in. I am talking to a female regular at the bar who happens to be seated next to a young guy from the college.)

Me: “Hey, did you check out that show I told you about?”

Regular: “Yeah, thanks, it was really funny!”

(We are discussing episodes, when a college kid joins in.)

College Guy: “Hey, I love that show! What season are you up to?”

(For a few minutes, we all engage in friendly conversation until, suddenly, a spoiled and VERY intoxicated college girl in a miniskirt and six-inch heels proceeds to shove my female regular in the back.)

College Girl: “Hey, b****!”

Regular: *calmly turns on her barstool to look at the girl*

College Girl: “Quit talking to my boyfriend, you stupid w****!”

Regular: “Miss, we were just having a polite conversation.”

College Girl: “You think you can steal my boyfriend, you ugly b****?” *she shoves the regular’s shoulder for emphasis* “Stupid f***ing s***! You wanna try and steal my boyfriend?”

Regular: “Miss, I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood. I have a boyfriend of my own.” *untucks a set of dog-tags from her shirt as proof* “I wasn’t hitting on your boyfriend; we were just having a nice chat. Please calm down.”

College Girl: “You think you can just hit on my boyfriend, you f***ing s***? F*** you, you fat ugly b****!”

(She shoves the regular again, and by now I am furiously trying to flag down the bouncer. The bar has gone quiet, and the girls’ friends have nervously gathered behind her to watch the spectacle.)

Regular: “Miss, please do not touch me again.”

College Girl: “You wanna start something, b****? You wanna start something with me? Come on, you stupid w****!”

(Another shove, and this time the regular stands from her stool.)

Regular: “Miss, I’ve asked you nicely, but now I’m telling you. Do. Not. Touch. Me. Again.”

College Girl: “Let’s go, w****! I’ll f*** you up!”

(Mid-sentence, she tries to shove my regular again, but this time the regular catches the college girl’s arm and delivers a powerful right cross to her face, knocking her out cold. The regular watches the drunk college girl drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes, then sits back down on her barstool and turns back to the bar. The college girl’s friends proceed to pick the woozy girl up off the ground in time for bouncer to escort them all to the parking lot.)

Regular: *to the bouncer* “Me, too?”

Bouncer: “H***, no! I saw the whole thing, girl! You sit your a** back on that stool and order a beer on me.”

(The regular and I exchange smiles as I pull her usual up from the cooler. It’s at this point that we both notice that the college guy who was the cause of the whole mess looking at the regular with his jaw on the floor.)

Regular: “Hey, man, sorry about your girlfriend, but I did warn her.”

College Guy: “Okay, let me stop you right there. That was not my girlfriend. I had never even met that girl before tonight. I have no idea what the h*** she was talking about. And that was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. So the bouncer can get the next round, but that one’s on me.”

(One of the girl’s friends ended up coming back in and apologizing for her pal’s erratic behavior, and offered to buy a round for my regular, too. After that night, every regular in the place usually bought one for ‘One-Punch’ whenever she came in, until she moved away to marry her soldier boyfriend!)

Drunk But Orderly

| IL, USA | Awesome Customers

(I work as a bouncer at a bar in a small Illinois college town. On the busier weekend nights there are cops stationed in the bar district. Sometimes, they just sit and talk with the various bouncers, asking how their nights are going and watching for drunks. As I’m out at the exit door talking with one, he is telling me that it has been a slow night for the police with no real problems. Just then, a patron stumbles out of my door with a beer bottle in his hand.)

Me: “Sir, you can’t bring your beer outside of the bar. Could you please go back inside with it?”

Customer: “Why don’t you f*** off! You can’t do s*** to me!”

(Before I can say anything, the cop, who is next to me but out of view of the customer, steps out and addresses him in a non-threatening but very deep tone.)

Cop: “I advise you do what this man says. He may not be able to harm you, but I can. And I would love for you to give me an excuse to arrest you.”

(The customer looks as for a moment he is going to take a swing at the cop, but reconsiders his actions.)

Customer: “Perhaps I should go back inside.” *hurries back inside*

Cop: *turns to me* “I was really hoping he would make a move. Then I’d finally get to do something fun tonight!”

Height Trumps Hate

| San Diego, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Military, Rude & Risque, Top

(My younger brother has come to town to visit me. I take him to the bar I work at for a few drinks and to meet my friends there. A regular customer who has been hitting on me for months comes in and sees us sitting together in one of the booths.)

Customer: *tries to look down my shirt* “Huh, and I thought after all this time you were a f***ing lesbian. Or is this f** your beard?”

Me: “I’m not working tonight. Go bother someone else.”

(The customer slides into the booth next to me, and tries to put his arm around my shoulders.)

Customer: “Why don’t you send your f** boyfriend off to get some beer and we can have a nice talk?”

(Note that my brother has been sitting slouched in the booth, concealing his size.)

Brother: “Why don’t you take your hands off of her and f*** off?”

(The customer springs out of the booth and stands near my brother in a really stupid looking ‘karate’ pose.)

Customer: “Why don’t you make me, you f***ing f**?! Huh?! Why don’t you make me?”

Brother: “Okay…”

(As he starts to slowly get out of the booth, the customer realizes his mistake. The customer is maybe 5’8″, while my brother looms over a foot taller than him at 6’9″. My brother grabs him by collar and belt and throws him out.)

Brother: “And it’s Sergeant, not f**, if you don’t mind!”

(I love my little brother.)

Page 7/16First...56789...Last