(Note: this customer has heard that a girl is celebrating her birthday on Friday the 13th.)

Customer: “I hope my birthday never falls on Friday the 13th!”

Me: “When’s your birthday?”

Customer: “May 20th!”

Customer: “Is it true that you give out free drinks on people’s birthdays?”

Me: “It’s true we’ll give you one free drink, yes, but I need to see your ID to confirm it’s your birthday.”

Customer: *hands over ID*

Me: “Yeah, it’s your birthday. Pity you can’t legally drink ’til your next one.”

Me: “May I see some ID sir?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah. Here.”

(I take a look at the ID and am utterly speechless. It is by no means a bad fake, but the kid made one mistake when he ordered it. I motion over the bar manager, because I am utterly speechless. I hand him the fake.)

Manager: *laughing* “Kid, your fake says you are 19!”

(Everyone in line begins laughing, and the kid takes off. I notice at least three other people in line check the date on their licenses.)

(Note: I’m a female customer sitting in a pub. I’m approached by another male customer while I read a book.)

Male customer: “Hello, my name is ***.”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Male customer: “So can I have your number?”

Me: “Oh. Actually, I’m gay.”

Male customer: “You want to have sex with women?”

Me: “Well, not right now. Right now, I just want to read my book.”

Male customer: “That’s bulls***! If you’re a lesbian then you want to have sex with women!”

Me: “Honestly, I just want to read my book.”

Male customer: “You’re lying to me, that’s very rude! I’m going to complain!”

Male customer, to a waitress: “That girl over there is being really rude. I want you to do something, it’s disturbing my day. She just lied to me and told me that she was a lesbian, and now she’s mocking me.”

Waitress: “What am I supposed to do about that? Make her straight?”

Male customer: “Just do something about it!”

Waitress, to me: “Hello, there.”

Me: “Hello. I’m sorry about him.”

Waitress: “Oh, it’s no problem! So, can I have your number?”

Male customer: *looks horrified*

Me: “Er, yeah, sure. Here.”

(I write my number on a napkin and she takes it, still smiling.)

Waitress, to male customer: “See? She’s a lesbian.”

Male customer: “That’s not what I wanted you to do! I didn’t want you to ask her out, I wanted you to make her leave! I demand to speak to your manager!”

Waitress: “Oh, he’s just popped out. I can get his boyfriend for you though if you want?”

Male customer: *storms out cursing*

(It turned out that the waitress was kidding about her manager, but she wasn’t kidding about asking me out!)

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

Me: “Hey there mate, what can I get ya?”

Customer: “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

Me: “Coming right up!”

(I serve him his drink, but as soon as I turn around to handle the other customers, a lowball glass comes flying through the air, hits the wall, and shatters to a million pieces. I turn back and see the customer with a frown on his face.)

Me: “Why the h*** did you do that for?!”

Customer: “Why’d you put f***ing ice in my drink?! I didn’t ask for no f***ing ice!”

Me: “Yes, you did! You asked for scotch on the rocks!”

Customer: “Yeah, and you put ice in it!”

Me: “Do you know what a scotch is?”

Customer: “Whiskey?”

Me: “Exactly. And do you know what ‘on the rocks’ means?”

Customer: “How you make it?”

Me: “No, it stands for ice. Scotch with ice.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “You’re gonna have to pay for the drink and the glass and then get out.”

Customer: “How f***ing dare you?!”

Me: “Do you know what on the rocks also means?”

Customer: “No! What?!”

(The doorman takes him by the hand, and then tosses him out the front door.)

—

Related:
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World