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    Punch, Drunk, And Love

    | USA | Food & Drink, Love/Romance, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m sitting at a bar when a drunk man approaches a regular female customer, who has been quietly chatting with the also-female bartender.)

    Drunk Customer: “Hey, honey, let me buy you a drink.”

    Female Regular: *not even turning around* “No thanks. Already have one, and just so you know, I’m married.”

    Drunk Customer: “S***, b****, I’m just offering a beer.”

    Female Regular: “And I’m politely declining. Please leave me alone.”

    Drunk Customer: “I bet I could f****** beat the s*** out of your man!”

    Female Regular: *smiling slightly* “Most likely.”

    (The male customer sitting next to her, who has been quietly eating his food, and seemingly not involved in the situation at all, laughs.)

    Male Customer: “Gee, thanks, babe.”

    (The drunk man scoffs at the male customer, who is at least five inches shorter and, while fit, not remotely as muscular as the drunk.)

    Drunk Customer: “You’re this b****’s man?”

    Male Customer: “I’m this woman’s husband, yes.”

    Drunk Customer: “S***, I could pummel you in seconds! She should ditch your sorry a**, and I’ll show her what a real man is like!”

    Male Customer: “You could probably beat me up, but that’s not the problem. My wife asked you to leave. Please do so before you get hurt.”

    Drunk Customer: “F*** you, what are you gonna do about it?!”

    (The drunk customer grabs the male customer’s shoulder, and tries to punch him. Before he can, the female regular turns on her bar stool, twists the drunk’s hand away, and punches him so hard in the face that he drops to the floor.)

    Male Customer: “I didn’t say I’d hurt you.”

    (The drunk stumbles to his feet, furious and bleeding from his nose.)

    Drunk Customer: “F*** you both!” *to the bartender* “This b**** punched me! Throw her out!”

    Bartender: *laughs* “H*** no!”

    Drunk Customer: “B****! I AM THE OWNER’S BROTHER! I WANT THIS W**** AND HER HUSBAND TOSSED!”

    Bartender: *to the female regular* “Huh, I didn’t know we had a brother.”

    Drunk Customer: “…huh?”

    Bartender: “I own this bar, and the woman you were treating oh-so-kindly is my little sister. And she had every right to deck you for being a d***.”

    Drunk Customer: “F*** ALL OF YOU! I DON’T NEED TO LISTEN TO YOU, YOU F****** GINGER IRISH W****! TRYING TO RUIN ME! NO MAN WILL EVER WANT TO F*** YOU, YOU B****!”

    Bartender: “You don’t need to listen to us anymore. Get out of my bar; you’re banned for life.”

    (The drunk man continues to scream obscenities at her, her sister, and her brother-in-law, until he had to be dragged out by the bouncer—the bartender’s husband.)

    Developing Arrest

    | Fargo, ND, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Top

    (I work as a supervisor at a bar. Fargo is hosting the ‘North Dakota High School State Wrestling Tournament’ this weekend. I receive a phone call.)

    Me: “[Bar Name], my name is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller #1: “Hi, My Name is [name #1]. I was wondering if you accepted school IDs. I’m from out of town, and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

    Me: “Um, well no, because they are not state regulated. You have to have papers if your driver’s license or state ID is clipped.”

    Caller #1: “Well my drivers license is clipped; can I speak to your manager?”

    Me: “I am the supervisor.”

    Caller #1: *click*

    (Two minutes later…)

    Me: “[Bar name], my name is [name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller #2: “Yes, my name is [name #2]. I was wondering if you accepted school IDs. I’m from out of town, and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

    Me: “Your name is [name #2]?”

    Caller #2: “Yes.”

    Me: “Is the license you grabbed clipped?”

    Caller #2: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well you need to have your papers issued to you by the state for your clipped drivers license or state ID.”

    (I then hear a hushed voice in the background. It is Caller #2 talking to Caller #1.)

    Caller #2: “[Name #1], what do I do now?”

    Caller #1: “Ask for the manager.”

    (Without letting Caller #2 even ask, I respond.)

    Me: “I am the supervisor.”

    Caller #2: *click*

    (Three minutes later…)

    Me: *sighs* “[Bar name], my name is [name]. I am the supervisor here; how may I help you?”

    Caller #3: “Hi, my name is [name #3]. I was wondering if you accepted school IDs. I’m from out of town, and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

    Me: “Are you friends of [name #1] and [name #2]”

    Caller #3: “YES!”

    Me: “Oh, well, hello then. I talked to my general manager, and he says to come by the bar! What time will you three ladies be showing up tonight?”

    Caller #3: *in a hushed voice to Callers #1 and #2* “We are soooo in!” *returning to me* “We will be there at 9:30 sharp.”

    Me: “Well I hope to see you all here tonight.”

    (Later that night, Callers #1, #2, and #3 show up at9:30.)

    Caller #3: “We are here; the supervisor said you accepted student IDs!”

    Me: “Hi! You must be [Callers #1, #2, #3]. Let me see your clipped drivers’ licenses, and student IDs.”

    (I check them. The licenses and student IDs are clearly not theirs. The pictures in each of the girl’s licenses have a different facial structure, and one girl is miraculously missing a birth mark on her chin.)

    Me: “Alright ladies, we have a VIP party in the back. Let me lead you there.”

    Caller #1: *to #2 and #3* “Oh, my God! VIP? This is the best [high school's name] trip ever!”

    (I walk them around the building, with all of their IDs still in my hand.)

    Me: “Alright officers, they’re all yours.”

    (A couple of police officers are waiting for them at the back. As they are being handcuffed, one of the callers has a question.)

    Caller #1: “Can we at least get our IDs back?”

    Officer 1: “You can tell…” *reads names on all three IDs* “…that they can come pick them up at the station. We would like to have a word with them.”

    (To my knowledge, they were processed to scare them, and then released to their parents. The girls on the IDs were charged with ‘furnishing alcohol to minors’, and ‘providing identification to a minor for the sole purpose of obtaining alcohol’.)

    Trouble Brewing, Part 4

    | Erie, PA, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (We have a special offer on small 10oz draft beers from 8-11pm. A customer approaches the bar around midnight, which is when most other local bar specials end.)

    Me: “Hi there! What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Let me get two double drafts.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, double drafts? Unfortunately, our drafts only come in the 16oz size.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll just have two [popular domestic brand] drafts, then.”

    Me: “Okay! That will be $5, please.”

    Customer: “How are they $5?!”

    Me: “Because they’re $2.50 apiece.”

    Customer: “Why aren’t they $0.25 apiece?”

    Me: “I’m sorry; that was our special from earlier this evening. The special runs from 8-11, only pertains to [unpopular and extremely-cheap beer], and they are served in the small 8oz mason jars. I explained that our regular drafts only come in the 16oz size, and you asked for [brand] which isn’t part of the special.”

    Customer: “Well, why the f*** didn’t you tell me that these weren’t on special when I ordered my first beers of the evening!?”

    Me: “I’m sorry; were you misinformed on your previous round?”

    Customer: “No, this is my first round. It is your job as a bartender to inform me of the specials when I order. I would know; I manage [one of nearby town's college bars]!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the confusion, but as it was after the special had ended, and it is after other bars’ specials had ended, I don’t normally tell customers about specials that they can’t have.”

    Customer: “This is f****** ridiculous! You can’t do your d*** job properly! I am NOT paying $5 for these two beers! If you were my employee at [other bar], I would fire you!”

    (I have been nothing but sweet and empathetic up until this point. Unfortunately for this kid, I have had quite enough.)

    Me: “That’s interesting, because I always assumed that if I were to work at [other bar], I would be under the supervision of [manager’s name], who has been a friend of mine for years. Anyone in this industry, if they even want the special, knows enough to ask if the special is still running, and what is included in the special. If you were truly the manager of a bar, or have ever bartended a day in your life, then you certainly should know that the manner in which you are speaking to me is in no way appropriate or acceptable. Now, would you like your two drafts for $5, or not?”

    Customer: “I… I… THIS ISN’T FAIR!”

    (My manager, who has been standing nearby and has heard everything, walks up.)

    Manager: “Listen, kid. You’ve not only been rude to my bartender, but she’s also proved that you’re a liar. The fact that she hasn’t had you removed for your behavior is a testament to her extreme patience and upbeat personality. Now, pay for your beers, or go back to [nearby town] and practice your ‘managerial skills’!”

    Customer: *slinks away*

    Related:
    Trouble Brewing, Part 3
    Trouble Brewing, Part 2

    He Said Water But With No Proof

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Food & Drink

    Customer: “Can I have a Cranberry Vodka?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I make the drink by pouring the vodka in first and then adding cranberry juice. Pretty simple.)

    Customer: “Why did you put all that water in my drink?”

    Me: “Water?”

    Customer: “Yeah, the clear liquid you poured in the cup.”

    Me: “That’s the vodka.”

    Customer: “Oh, this is gonna be a long night…”

    How Artists Draw Blank Faces

    | London, England, UK | Bizarre

    (I am waitressing at a wedding party being held above a bar in an art gallery. I have popped down to the bar to use their dishwasher. There are lots of contemporary art displays around the bar.)

    Customer: “Hi, could I get a pint of Carling?”

    Me: “Oh sorry, I don’t actually work here. You’ll have to ask someone else.”

    Customer: “But you’re wearing uniform?”

    (My uniform is not even slightly similar to the bar staff’s.)

    Me: “Oh, that’s because I’m a waitress; I’m from upstairs.”

    Customer: “Oh right, I thought you might be another art display. Okay, bye…”

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