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    When Toxic Personalities Become Intoxicated

    | Nashville, TN, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, School, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am bartending at a neighborhood dive that caters mostly to a set of regulars who were minimum wage or blue collar workers, but occasionally some of the kids from an expensive nearby university would wander in. I am talking to a female regular at the bar who happens to be seated next to a young guy from the college.)

    Me: “Hey, did you check out that show I told you about?”

    Regular: “Yeah, thanks, it was really funny!”

    (We are discussing episodes, when a college kid joins in.)

    College Guy: “Hey, I love that show! What season are you up to?”

    (For a few minutes, we all engage in friendly conversation until, suddenly, a spoiled and VERY intoxicated college girl in a miniskirt and six-inch heels proceeds to shove my female regular in the back.)

    College Girl: “Hey, b****!”

    Regular: *calmly turns on her barstool to look at the girl*

    College Girl: “Quit talking to my boyfriend, you stupid w****!”

    Regular: “Miss, we were just having a polite conversation.”

    College Girl: “You think you can steal my boyfriend, you ugly b****?” *she shoves the regular’s shoulder for emphasis* “Stupid f***ing s***! You wanna try and steal my boyfriend?”

    Regular: “Miss, I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood. I have a boyfriend of my own.” *untucks a set of dog-tags from her shirt as proof* “I wasn’t hitting on your boyfriend; we were just having a nice chat. Please calm down.”

    College Girl: “You think you can just hit on my boyfriend, you f***ing s***? F*** you, you fat ugly b****!”

    (She shoves the regular again, and by now I am furiously trying to flag down the bouncer. The bar has gone quiet, and the girls’ friends have nervously gathered behind her to watch the spectacle.)

    Regular: “Miss, please do not touch me again.”

    College Girl: “You wanna start something, b****? You wanna start something with me? Come on, you stupid w****!”

    (Another shove, and this time the regular stands from her stool.)

    Regular: “Miss, I’ve asked you nicely, but now I’m telling you. Do. Not. Touch. Me. Again.”

    College Girl: “Let’s go, w****! I’ll f*** you up!”

    (Mid-sentence, she tries to shove my regular again, but this time the regular catches the college girl’s arm and delivers a powerful right cross to her face, knocking her out cold. The regular watches the drunk college girl drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes, then sits back down on her barstool and turns back to the bar. The college girl’s friends proceed to pick the woozy girl up off the ground in time for bouncer to escort them all to the parking lot.)

    Regular: *to the bouncer* “Me, too?”

    Bouncer: “H***, no! I saw the whole thing, girl! You sit your a** back on that stool and order a beer on me.”

    (The regular and I exchange smiles as I pull her usual up from the cooler. It’s at this point that we both notice that the college guy who was the cause of the whole mess looking at the regular with his jaw on the floor.)

    Regular: “Hey, man, sorry about your girlfriend, but I did warn her.”

    College Guy: “Okay, let me stop you right there. That was not my girlfriend. I had never even met that girl before tonight. I have no idea what the h*** she was talking about. And that was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. So the bouncer can get the next round, but that one’s on me.”

    (One of the girl’s friends ended up coming back in and apologizing for her pal’s erratic behavior, and offered to buy a round for my regular, too. After that night, every regular in the place usually bought one for ‘One-Punch’ whenever she came in, until she moved away to marry her soldier boyfriend!)

    Drunk But Orderly

    | IL, USA | Awesome Customers

    (I work as a bouncer at a bar in a small Illinois college town. On the busier weekend nights there are cops stationed in the bar district. Sometimes, they just sit and talk with the various bouncers, asking how their nights are going and watching for drunks. As I’m out at the exit door talking with one, he is telling me that it has been a slow night for the police with no real problems. Just then, a patron stumbles out of my door with a beer bottle in his hand.)

    Me: “Sir, you can’t bring your beer outside of the bar. Could you please go back inside with it?”

    Customer: “Why don’t you f*** off! You can’t do s*** to me!”

    (Before I can say anything, the cop, who is next to me but out of view of the customer, steps out and addresses him in a non-threatening but very deep tone.)

    Cop: “I advise you do what this man says. He may not be able to harm you, but I can. And I would love for you to give me an excuse to arrest you.”

    (The customer looks as for a moment he is going to take a swing at the cop, but reconsiders his actions.)

    Customer: “Perhaps I should go back inside.” *hurries back inside*

    Cop: *turns to me* “I was really hoping he would make a move. Then I’d finally get to do something fun tonight!”

    Height Trumps Hate

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Military, Rude & Risque, Top

    (My younger brother has come to town to visit me. I take him to the bar I work at for a few drinks and to meet my friends there. A regular customer who has been hitting on me for months comes in and sees us sitting together in one of the booths.)

    Customer: *tries to look down my shirt* “Huh, and I thought after all this time you were a f***ing lesbian. Or is this f** your beard?”

    Me: “I’m not working tonight. Go bother someone else.”

    (The customer slides into the booth next to me, and tries to put his arm around my shoulders.)

    Customer: “Why don’t you send your f** boyfriend off to get some beer and we can have a nice talk?”

    (Note that my brother has been sitting slouched in the booth, concealing his size.)

    Brother: “Why don’t you take your hands off of her and f*** off?”

    (The customer springs out of the booth and stands near my brother in a really stupid looking ‘karate’ pose.)

    Customer: “Why don’t you make me, you f***ing f**?! Huh?! Why don’t you make me?”

    Brother: “Okay…”

    (As he starts to slowly get out of the booth, the customer realizes his mistake. The customer is maybe 5’8″, while my brother looms over a foot taller than him at 6’9″. My brother grabs him by collar and belt and throws him out.)

    Brother: “And it’s Sergeant, not f**, if you don’t mind!”

    (I love my little brother.)

    Quaffer Some Free Advice

    | NY, USA | Food & Drink

    Customer #1: “Four shots of Jameson, please. But can we have them for free?”

    Me: “Ha ha, no.”

    Customer #1: “Can we at least have a discount?”

    Customer #2: “We’re all bartenders too!”

    Customer #1: “Except for me. I’m a personal trainer.”

    Me: “Do people ever ask you for free stuff?”

    Customer #1: *annoyed* “Yeah, they want, like, a free hour with me.”

    Me: “So, what do you do?”

    Customer #1: “I SHUT IT DOWN! Just like you did. Good job. High five!”

    (They paid for all the shots, and tipped two dollars for each.)

    Put A Cork In It

    | Newcastle, England, UK |

    (A customer has just ordered a large glass of wine. She returns to me at the bar having drunk a good two-thirds of the glass.)

    Me: “Hello, madam, is there a problem?”

    Customer: “This wine is corked.”

    Me: “Excuse me, madam?”

    Customer: *points to glass* “This wine is corked. See?”

    (I look at the glass and there is a small white object in her drink. I take the glass from her and see that its actually a piece of beer mat.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but this wine isn’t corked. ‘Corking’ is a term used when the structure of the cork, on a molecular level, has allowed oxygen into the wine bottle before it has been opened and turned it sour or unpleasant. This glass has just got a piece of cork in it. In all honesty, madam, that just looks like a small piece of beer mat, not cork. Are you wanting to make a complaint?”

    Customer: “That’s what I meant. The wine is a bit sour. It’s not very nice. It must have gone off, like you said, because the cork has let some air into it.”

    Me: “Would you like to point out which wine you purchased madam?”

    Customer: *points to bottle* “That one.”

    Me: “Are you sure, madam?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “That brand of wine is a screw-top, madam.”

    (The customer just stands there for a few seconds, then turns around and returns to her table. Five minutes later, her and her partner leave.)


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