(I work at a gay male bar as a bouncer. I normally escort or throw out guys due to inappropriate behavior. One day, however, the manager calls me over to throw out a woman. Afterwards, I ask the manager what happened.)

Me: “What was that about?”

Manager: “She kept on insisting to meet me to implement a suggestion for the bar.”

Me: “Oh…so why did you have me kick her out?”

Manager: “She was insistent, and got more and more agitated when I told her we’d never do that.”

Me: “And what was her suggestion?”

Manager: “She said we should have Ladies Night so that more men would come here.”

(A guy sits down at the bar and asks for a virgin bloody mary.)

Me: “One virgin mary, right away.”

(I turn around to make the drink.)

Customer: “But no fruit.”

(I turn back around to confirm the order.)

Me: “One virgin bloody mary, no fruit.”

Customer: *nods*

(I turn around again to go and make the drink.)

Customer: “And not spicy.”

Me: “So, you would like a glass of tomato juice?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. A glass of tomato juice.”

Customer: “Could I have a vodka and lemonade, and a whisky and cola?

Me: “Yes, sir, coming right up!”

(I make the drinks and place them in front of him.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “No, thanks, but which one is which?”

(I work at a fairly indie bar. We have a lot of real ales on tap, which we serve in special old-fashioned mugs.)

Me: “Here you go,sir. One [name of ale].”

Customer: “This mug has a short straw on the bottom.”

Me: “That’s okay, I can take it off.” *moving to pull it away*

Customer: “Nah, you can leave it on. I want to start a new fashion trend!”

Me: *laughing* “Okay, I’ll leave it for you. That comes to [total].”

Customer: *hands over money* “Actually, I better take it off. The missis might get jealous I started a new trend and she didn’t!”

(It’s St. Patrick’s Day at my bar. I see a patron who has had too much to drink.)

Me: “I’m sorry, miss, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Patron: “Can I just finish my beer?”

Me: “I can’t let you do that.”

Patron’s friend: “Why are you kicking her out? I’m drunker than she is!”

Me: “Then you can leave, too!”