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    Way South Of Average Intelligence

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Geography, Language & Words, Musical Mayhem

    (I am a light-skinned South African living in the United States. I occasionally get to perform my own music in a local hip-hop-oriented bar. I try to keep my lyrics clean of profanities, which is unusual for this audience.)

    Bar Patron #1: “It’s nice to hear some clean hip-hop here for a change.”

    Me: “Thanks. I just don’t see the need for me to swear, since most of my songs are about partying and that sort of light stuff.”

    Bar Patron #2: “Usually with the people who perform here, it’s ‘n-word this’, and ‘n-word that’.”

    Me: *laughing* “Can you imagine, a white South African using that word a whole bunch of times?”

    Bar Patron #2: “I know you could do that if you wanted to, since your country is run by African-Americans and all, but it’s nice that you don’t.”

    Me: “… Oh boy.”

    Bartenders Are Good Listeners, But Not That Good

    | England, UK | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m at the pub where my little brother works. A man wanders in and just stares at my brother behind the bar.)

    Brother: “Can I help you?”

    Man: *continues to stare*

    Brother: “Hello? What can I get you?”

    Man: “How much will that be?”

    Brother: “You haven’t actually ordered yet. What would you like?”

    Man: *stares more intently*

    Brother: *confused* “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not psychic.”

    Man: “Really? Oh, I’ll have a rum and coke then, please.”

    It’s All Dutch To Me, Part 2

    , | Amsterdam, The Netherlands | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Money, Tourists/Travel

    (I am traveling with a group from my American university for a conference, back when the Netherlands still used guilders as currency. At the time they were at about two to one dollar.)

    Classmate: “Wow! Beer is so expensive here!”

    Me: “Not really… they’re only three or four dollars each.”

    Classmate: “But it says beer is $6!”

    Me: “No, it’s 6 guilders. That’s the currency here. Remember when we changed our money?”

    Classmate: “No. That must be in dollars.”

    Me: “Why would it be in dollars? We’re in Amsterdam!”

    Classmate: “But stuff was in dollars at the airport. And I don’t get why [American beer] is so expensive and the [Dutch beer] costs less.

    Me: “Because they have to import the [American beer] from America.”

    Classmate: “But it isn’t an import!”

    Me: “We’re in AMSTERDAM now!”

    (By now, the guy behind the bar is doing an increasingly bad job of hiding his laughter.)

    Classmate: “Oh, my god. How will I order? I don’t speak… uh…”

    Me: “—Dutch? I’ll do it. You go sit down.”

    Me: *in English, to the bartender* “Two beers, please.”

    (The bartender gets me the beers, but only charges me for one of them, and winks at me. I tip him well and go back to my classmate.)

    Classmate: “Wow! I didn’t know you spoke the language!”

    Me: “I’m a fast learner.”

    Related:
    It’s All Dutch To Me

    Tipping The Scale

    | AB, Canada | Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    (I am in a horrible mood because I have discovered during the previous night’s shift that someone had stolen my wallet from my purse in our back hallway while I was working. Along with all my ID and bank cards, I lost $140 in tips from the night before. I needed that money to pay bills. However, I try to put my best foot forward during the shift. I serve a young customer and his girlfriend. They are friendly, funny, complimentary about my service, and just make me smile.)

    Me: *as I walk up with their check* “You know, I’m having a really bad weekend, so for putting a smile on my face today, I only charged you for the teen brunch instead of the full priced brunch.”

    Customer #1: “Oh! Well, thank you! Why are you having a bad weekend?”

    Me: “Well… my wallet was stolen while I was working last night.”

    Customer #1: “I’m really sorry to hear that! Can I pay with credit card?”

    (I put his bill price into the portable machine and hand it to him, and he begins to enter in the tip.)

    Customer #2: *eyes widen, whispers* “Really?!”

    Customer #1: *whispers* “She’s having a bad day.”

    Customer #2: “Yeah. Fair enough.”

    (They hand the machine back to me, and I print off the receipt. They tipped me $100 on a $48 tab.)

    Me: “Are you sure?!”

    Customer #1: “I hope you have a better day.”

    (I began to cry, and each of them hugged me before they left. I smiled for the rest of the day. Faith in humanity: restored.)

    Loco Nuts

    | AR, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (A customer sits down at the bar and proceeds to wave her arms at me as if I cannot see her.)

    Customer: “Um, hi! Bartenderrrr! Hi! I need to order a drink!”

    Me: “Okay. Let me finish taking this order and I’ll be right with you.”

    Customer: “Okayyy, but I’m really thirstyyy!”

    (The customer and her friends giggle as if it’s the first time I’ve heard anyone say this. I finish with the order and walk over to her.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I really, really, really want something fun and fruity. How about a Malibu and pineapple? Ooooh, and do you have cherry juice? I love cherry juice!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. We have grenadine. Give me one moment and I’ll get that for you.”

    (I go to make her drink. It’s one and a quarter ounce of Malibu, which is a coconut rum, three ounces of pineapple juice, and a splash of grenadine. I hand her the drink. She squeals when she sees that I’ve poked the straw through a cherry.)

    Customer: “That’s just adorrrable!”

    (I walk over to aid another customer, but the original customer calls me back.)

    Customer: “Oh, my god! UGH! Bartender! BarrrrrTENDER!”

    Me: “Yes? Is something wrong?”

    Customer: “Oh my GODDDD! I cannot drink this. You put coconut in this! I hate coconut! I didn’t ask for coconut!”

    Me: “Wait. I thought you said Malibu?”

    Customer: “I DID. But you put something with coconut in it. Do you even know what you’re doing?”

    (I try to explain that Malibu is a coconut rum, but the customer isn’t listening.)

    Customer: “I want a new drink… Now! Remake this without the coconut!”

    Me: “If you want, I can make that drink with white rum instead of coconut rum.”

    Customer: “Yes! Just a Malibu and Pineapple with the cherry juice. But no coconut! I hate coconut! Just Malibu, pineapple juice, and cherries! NO COCONUT!”

    (I ignore the fact that she’s talking to me as if I’m five. I make the drink with white rum and hand it to her.)

    Customer: “Oh, my God. This is so much better. You should have just made it like this the first time. I don’t blame you, though. Don’t worry, honey. I can tell you’re new with drinks.”

    (The customer drinks a few, and pays her bill.)

    Customer: “You really should be careful. People could be allergic to things, you know. Imagine if I had a coconut allergy! Oh, you just need to pay ATTENTION. You could save somebody’s life!”

    (I smiled through gritted teeth and watched her walk out the door. When she finally left, the remaining bar guests gave me a round of applause. I bowed.)

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