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    I’ll Have Whatever He Had

    | Edinburgh, UK |

    (A VERY drunk WHITE guy comes in 5 minutes before closing time.)

    White guy: “F*ck you! You’re not going to serve me are you?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry, we’re just closing.”

    White guy: “Awww, go on, please…just a quick pint!”

    Me: “No, we’re closing.”

    White guy: “F*ck you, is it because I’m black?”

    Me: “…Yes.”

    Effective Excuses, Vol. 1

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Top

    (A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

    Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

    Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

    Me: “First door on the left.”

    Captain Obvious’ Revenge

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK |

    Customer: “How cold is the Extra Cold Guinness?”

    Me: “Colder than the regular Guinness.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it.”

    (Customer takes a sup of his pint.)

    Customer: “It just tastes like regular Guinness, but colder!”

    Me: “…yup.”

    Related:
    The Son Of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious Strikes Back
    The Return of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious To The Rescue
    Belaboring The Obvious

    As Dumb As You Look

    | Lubbock, TX, USA |

    (I work the door sometimes at a local bar, and it normally goes as follows:)

    Me: “Can I see your ID please?”

    Girl: “Yeah, sure. Here it is.”

    Me: “Thanx, mmmmm…this doesn’t look like you.”

    Girl: “Well, you can ask me anything on it. I know all of it.”

    (I ask her friend that is trying to come in with her.)

    Me: “OK, what’s her name?”

    Girl #2: “Ummmm…”

    Me: “Thought so.” *handing back her ID* “You have a nice night, and maybe pay for your fake next time.”

    Intoxicated Musings

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Top

    Random Customer at a bar #1: “Why do you always have to be so self defecating?”

    Random Customer at a bar #2: “I see that you read a lot. I read a lot, too. I just finished Brave New World by Adolphus Huxley.”

    Random Customer at a bar #3: “Yeah, it’s crazy, they can go to the bottom of the Marinara Trench.”

    Related:
    There Once Was A Man From Nantucket

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