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Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2

| Israel | Top

Me: “Hey there mate, what can I get ya?”

Customer: “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

Me: “Coming right up!”

(I serve him his drink, but as soon as I turn around to handle the other customers, a lowball glass comes flying through the air, hits the wall, and shatters to a million pieces. I turn back and see the customer with a frown on his face.)

Me: “Why the h*** did you do that for?!”

Customer: “Why’d you put f***ing ice in my drink?! I didn’t ask for no f***ing ice!”

Me: “Yes, you did! You asked for scotch on the rocks!”

Customer: “Yeah, and you put ice in it!”

Me: “Do you know what a scotch is?”

Customer: “Whiskey?”

Me: “Exactly. And do you know what ‘on the rocks’ means?”

Customer: “How you make it?”

Me: “No, it stands for ice. Scotch with ice.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “You’re gonna have to pay for the drink and the glass and then get out.”

Customer: “How f***ing dare you?!”

Me: “Do you know what on the rocks also means?”

Customer: “No! What?!”

(The doorman takes him by the hand, and then tosses him out the front door.)

Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

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And This Is Before He Had A Pint

| London, UK | Uncategorized

(Note: the music from the jukebox in our bar is playing pretty loudly.)

Customer: “Can you turn the jukebox back on please?”

Me: “It is on.”

Customer: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “Yeah, it really is.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. The government turned it off.”

Me: “Erm, really?”

Customer: “Yeah, so can you turn it back on?”

Me: “Erm, okay…” *I pretend to push a button underneath the bar* “…how’s that?”

Customer: “Much better, thanks!”

Put Your Liquor Where Your Mouth Is

| Stuttgart, Germany | Uncategorized

(I work at the hotel bar, and at the time was the only one on duty. Two days before I’d jammed my fingers in a door and as such couldn’t use my left hand properly, and was wearing a bandage so the guests would see. We also shake our drinks using a shaker and glass so the customers get a bit of a show.)

Customer: “I’d like a Sex on the Beach, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t make any shaken drinks at the moment since I can’t use my left hand.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can you make something else that’s shaken?”

Me: “Um, no. My hand is injured, and shaking one-handed isn’t a good idea.”

Customer: “You just don’t know how to make the drink, do you? Trying to get away with something simple?”

Me: *proceed to tell him the recipe of several shaken drinks* “…but I can’t do that because of my hand.”

Customer: “I bet you I could shake one-handed. You’re just inept.”

Me: “If you can do that, the drink’s on the house, but I won’t be responsible for any damages or spills.”

Customer: “I’ve got a free drink then.”

(He tries to shake it, and inevitably screws up, breaking the glass and spilling ingredients all over himself.)

Customer: “I want a refund!” *storms out*

Ah, College, Part 2

| Iowa, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m a bouncer in a college bar where you must be 21. Lots of underage people try coming in with fake IDs.)

Me: “Can I see your ID?”

College student: “Yeah…”

(He hands me an ID that says he is 20.)

Me: “Um, you are only 20.”

College student: “Yeah, you can read a birthday! Can I go in now?”

Me: “You have to be 21 to get in.”

College student: “Oh… *hands me a fake ID* “…how about now?”

Me: “Now you just lost your fake ID.”

Related: Ah, College

Death By Citrus

| Tampa, FL, USA | Uncategorized

(A bar patron pulls out an orange from his pocket and proceeds to pull out a knife that he starts cutting it open to eat it. Bear in nmind, I’m a bouncer, so this doesn’t exactly fly.)

Me: “Can I see that real fast?”

Bar patron: “What? Yeah!” *hands me the orange*

Me: “No, the other thing.”

Bar patron: “Yeah, I said you can have some of my orange, man.”

Me: “Here, I’ll trade you. You give me the knife, and I keep your orange.”

Bar patron: “Deal!”

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