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    So Superman, Rocky Balboa And ABBA Walk Into A Bar…

    | Prague, Czech Republic |

    (I work at a karaoke bar operating the machine and helping drunk guests choose songs. A lady was supposed to sing an ABBA song next, but some guy got a hold of the microphone.)

    Me: “Sir, excuse me, that lady is singing now, could you give me the mic?”

    Customer: *looking drunk and confused* “Nooo…I’m singing now!”

    Me: “Really? Dancing Queen?”

    Customer: “Whaaaat? I ordered Eye Of The Tiger!”

    Me: “But how? You didn’t tell me anything…and Eye Of The Tiger is not in our list…”

    Customer: “I told that guy…”

    (The customer points to the corner of the bar, where some man in a superman costume was sleeping.)

    Me: “Umm…he doesn’t work here you know…”

    Customer: “Whaaaaat?! Can I still do the song then?”

    Me: “I’ve just told you we don’t have it…”

    Customer: *pointing to Superman again* “He told me you do!”

    Me: “Yeah, we don’t…do you want to try some other song?”

    Customer: “I WANT THE EYE OF THE TIGER!!!”

    Me: *scared and desperate* “…How about a free shot instead of a song?”

    Customer: *suddenly happy* “Alrighty!”

    I’ll Have Whatever He Had

    | Edinburgh, UK |

    (A VERY drunk WHITE guy comes in 5 minutes before closing time.)

    White guy: “F*ck you! You’re not going to serve me are you?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry, we’re just closing.”

    White guy: “Awww, go on, please…just a quick pint!”

    Me: “No, we’re closing.”

    White guy: “F*ck you, is it because I’m black?”

    Me: “…Yes.”

    Effective Excuses, Vol. 1

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Top

    (A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

    Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

    Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

    Me: “First door on the left.”

    Captain Obvious’ Revenge

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK |

    Customer: “How cold is the Extra Cold Guinness?”

    Me: “Colder than the regular Guinness.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it.”

    (Customer takes a sup of his pint.)

    Customer: “It just tastes like regular Guinness, but colder!”

    Me: “…yup.”

    Related:
    The Son Of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious Strikes Back
    The Return of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious To The Rescue
    Belaboring The Obvious

    As Dumb As You Look

    | Lubbock, TX, USA |

    (I work the door sometimes at a local bar, and it normally goes as follows:)

    Me: “Can I see your ID please?”

    Girl: “Yeah, sure. Here it is.”

    Me: “Thanx, mmmmm…this doesn’t look like you.”

    Girl: “Well, you can ask me anything on it. I know all of it.”

    (I ask her friend that is trying to come in with her.)

    Me: “OK, what’s her name?”

    Girl #2: “Ummmm…”

    Me: “Thought so.” *handing back her ID* “You have a nice night, and maybe pay for your fake next time.”


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