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    Ah, Students

    | Edinburgh, UK |

    (A group of students come into the bar dressed as cavemen, complete with wigs and squeaky plastic clubs.)

    Caveman 1, banging squeaky club on bar: “Ugg!”

    Me: *stares at him in disbelief*

    Caveman 1: “Ugg! Ugg!” *bang* *squeak*

    Me: *still maintaining silence*

    Caveman 2: “Are we getting service here or not?!” *bang* *squeak*

    (A crescendo of grunting student cavemen start to bang each other on the heads with the squeaky clubs and proceed to upset the other punters.)

    Me: “Right, that’s enough! You’re not getting f-ugg-ing served and you’re all f-ugg-ing barred!”

    (The cavemen left only to be replaced by a group of student girls dressed as nuns. They all got a free drink.)

    So Superman, Rocky Balboa And ABBA Walk Into A Bar…

    | Prague, Czech Republic |

    (I work at a karaoke bar operating the machine and helping drunk guests choose songs. A lady was supposed to sing an ABBA song next, but some guy got a hold of the microphone.)

    Me: “Sir, excuse me, that lady is singing now, could you give me the mic?”

    Customer: *looking drunk and confused* “Nooo…I’m singing now!”

    Me: “Really? Dancing Queen?”

    Customer: “Whaaaat? I ordered Eye Of The Tiger!”

    Me: “But how? You didn’t tell me anything…and Eye Of The Tiger is not in our list…”

    Customer: “I told that guy…”

    (The customer points to the corner of the bar, where some man in a superman costume was sleeping.)

    Me: “Umm…he doesn’t work here you know…”

    Customer: “Whaaaaat?! Can I still do the song then?”

    Me: “I’ve just told you we don’t have it…”

    Customer: *pointing to Superman again* “He told me you do!”

    Me: “Yeah, we don’t…do you want to try some other song?”

    Customer: “I WANT THE EYE OF THE TIGER!!!”

    Me: *scared and desperate* “…How about a free shot instead of a song?”

    Customer: *suddenly happy* “Alrighty!”

    I’ll Have Whatever He Had

    | Edinburgh, UK |

    (A VERY drunk WHITE guy comes in 5 minutes before closing time.)

    White guy: “F*ck you! You’re not going to serve me are you?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry, we’re just closing.”

    White guy: “Awww, go on, please…just a quick pint!”

    Me: “No, we’re closing.”

    White guy: “F*ck you, is it because I’m black?”

    Me: “…Yes.”

    Effective Excuses, Vol. 1

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Top

    (A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

    Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

    Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

    Me: “First door on the left.”

    Captain Obvious’ Revenge

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK |

    Customer: “How cold is the Extra Cold Guinness?”

    Me: “Colder than the regular Guinness.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it.”

    (Customer takes a sup of his pint.)

    Customer: “It just tastes like regular Guinness, but colder!”

    Me: “…yup.”

    Related:
    The Son Of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious Strikes Back
    The Return of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious To The Rescue
    Belaboring The Obvious

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