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    Death By Citrus

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (A bar patron pulls out an orange from his pocket and proceeds to pull out a knife that he starts cutting it open to eat it. Bear in nmind, I’m a bouncer, so this doesn’t exactly fly.)

    Me: “Can I see that real fast?”

    Bar patron: “What? Yeah!” *hands me the orange*

    Me: “No, the other thing.”

    Bar patron: “Yeah, I said you can have some of my orange, man.”

    Me: “Here, I’ll trade you. You give me the knife, and I keep your orange.”

    Bar patron: “Deal!”

    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

    | Myrtle Beach, SC, USA |

    Customer: “How much is Bud Light?”

    Bartender: “$3.75″

    Customer: “Well, how much is Miller Light?”

    Bartender: “$3.75.”

    Customer: “D***! What’s the cheapest thing you got in here?!”

    Bartender: “YOU!”

    Touché

    | UK |

    (Our bar has been reserved for a private party. Signs are up all over the place, on fluorescent pink paper, including on the front door, right at eye level. A customer approaches the bar.)

    Me: “Hi…I’m sorry, but the bar’s closed to the public tonight as there’s a private function taking place.”

    Customer: “Well, I didn’t see the sign on the door!”

    Me: “So…how do you know it’s there?”

    Customer: “…”

    D For Dumb Enough To Deserve A Drink

    | Indiana, USA |

    (I work as a bouncer in a bar and check all IDs at the door. Indiana IDs don’t include a middle name, just an initial.)

    Me: “What’s your full name?”

    Customer: “Joe D. Smith.”

    Me: “What’s your middle name?”

    Customer: “DANGER!”

    (I let him in.)

    Ah, Students

    | Edinburgh, UK |

    (A group of students come into the bar dressed as cavemen, complete with wigs and squeaky plastic clubs.)

    Caveman 1, banging squeaky club on bar: “Ugg!”

    Me: *stares at him in disbelief*

    Caveman 1: “Ugg! Ugg!” *bang* *squeak*

    Me: *still maintaining silence*

    Caveman 2: “Are we getting service here or not?!” *bang* *squeak*

    (A crescendo of grunting student cavemen start to bang each other on the heads with the squeaky clubs and proceed to upset the other punters.)

    Me: “Right, that’s enough! You’re not getting f-ugg-ing served and you’re all f-ugg-ing barred!”

    (The cavemen left only to be replaced by a group of student girls dressed as nuns. They all got a free drink.)


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