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    And This Is Before He Had A Pint

    | London, UK |

    (Note: the music from the jukebox in our bar is playing pretty loudly.)

    Customer: “Can you turn the jukebox back on please?”

    Me: “It is on.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not.”

    Me: “Yeah, it really is.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not. The government turned it off.”

    Me: “Erm, really?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so can you turn it back on?”

    Me: “Erm, okay…” *I pretend to push a button underneath the bar* “…how’s that?”

    Customer: “Much better, thanks!”

    Put Your Liquor Where Your Mouth Is

    | Stuttgart, Germany |

    (I work at the hotel bar, and at the time was the only one on duty. Two days before I’d jammed my fingers in a door and as such couldn’t use my left hand properly, and was wearing a bandage so the guests would see. We also shake our drinks using a shaker and glass so the customers get a bit of a show.)

    Customer: “I’d like a Sex on the Beach, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t make any shaken drinks at the moment since I can’t use my left hand.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, can you make something else that’s shaken?”

    Me: “Um, no. My hand is injured, and shaking one-handed isn’t a good idea.”

    Customer: “You just don’t know how to make the drink, do you? Trying to get away with something simple?”

    Me: *proceed to tell him the recipe of several shaken drinks* “…but I can’t do that because of my hand.”

    Customer: “I bet you I could shake one-handed. You’re just inept.”

    Me: “If you can do that, the drink’s on the house, but I won’t be responsible for any damages or spills.”

    Customer: “I’ve got a free drink then.”

    (He tries to shake it, and inevitably screws up, breaking the glass and spilling ingredients all over himself.)

    Customer: “I want a refund!” *storms out*

    Ah, College, Part 2

    | Iowa, USA |

    (I’m a bouncer in a college bar where you must be 21. Lots of underage people try coming in with fake IDs.)

    Me: “Can I see your ID?”

    College student: “Yeah…”

    (He hands me an ID that says he is 20.)

    Me: “Um, you are only 20.”

    College student: “Yeah, you can read a birthday! Can I go in now?”

    Me: “You have to be 21 to get in.”

    College student: “Oh… *hands me a fake ID* “…how about now?”

    Me: “Now you just lost your fake ID.”

    Related: Ah, College

    Death By Citrus

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (A bar patron pulls out an orange from his pocket and proceeds to pull out a knife that he starts cutting it open to eat it. Bear in nmind, I’m a bouncer, so this doesn’t exactly fly.)

    Me: “Can I see that real fast?”

    Bar patron: “What? Yeah!” *hands me the orange*

    Me: “No, the other thing.”

    Bar patron: “Yeah, I said you can have some of my orange, man.”

    Me: “Here, I’ll trade you. You give me the knife, and I keep your orange.”

    Bar patron: “Deal!”

    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

    | Myrtle Beach, SC, USA |

    Customer: “How much is Bud Light?”

    Bartender: “$3.75″

    Customer: “Well, how much is Miller Light?”

    Bartender: “$3.75.”

    Customer: “D***! What’s the cheapest thing you got in here?!”

    Bartender: “YOU!”

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