You’re Dumb Enough Without Alcohol

| Christchurch, New Zealand | Extra Stupid

(We have a daily special where everything in the bar is $4. There are huge signs everywhere advertising this. I have this conversation at least twice a week.)

Customer: “How much is a vodka lime?”

Me: “$4. Everything is $4.”

Customer: “Really? So, how much is a tequila shot?”

Me: “$4. Everything is $4.”

Customer: “Even Jäger?”

Me: “If it’s alcohol, then it’s $4.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll have a gin.” ”

*pause*

Customer: “Is that $4 too?”

Part-Time, Double-Time

| London, England, UK | Uncategorized

(I am working in a pub with two public entrances: it has one small side entrance and another on the main street on the opposite wall. A 20 year-old girl enters through the side entrance and approaches the counter.)

Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a part-time job.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t need staff at the moment.”

(The girl leaves through the same entrance, walks around the building, walks in through the other door, and approaches the bar.)

Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a part-time job.”

The Cup Is Half Empty Kinda Guy, Part 2

| Essex, UK | Uncategorized

(The pub has a special offer selling pints of ale for the price of a half-pint.)

Customer: “Can I have a pint of ale, please?”

Me: “There you go. That’s £1.”

Customer: “But, your sign says that a pint costs the same as a half-pint.”

Me: “It is. A pint is usually £2.”

Customer: “That is a rip-off. A pint should cost £1 anyway.”

Me: “I assure you that a pint is usually £2.”

Customer: “Forget this. I didn’t come in here to be conned. Just get me a half-pint instead.”

(I pour half of the pint into a half-pint glass.)

Me: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “That’s better. How much is it?”

Me: “It’s £1.”

(The customer pays, picks up his drink and walks off happy.)

Related:
The Cup Is Half Empty Kinda Guy

Failing The Bar

| Lancaster, England, UK | Uncategorized

(A customer is buying drinks for him and his friends.)

Me: “£12.60, please.”

Customer: “Can I put that on the tab?”

Me: “Sure, what name is the tab in?”

Customer: “I don’t care.”

There Is No Tea In the Virgin Islands

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hey, I want a drink without any alcohol. What do you have?”

Me: “Well, can I get you a soda or something? Maybe some juice?”

Customer: “Can I get a virgin long island?”

Me: “You mean, you want an iced tea?”

Customer: “No, I want a virgin long island.”

Me: “But, a long island is mostly alcohol. I mean, there are five shots in it. Then some sour and some coke. Do you want a glass of sour and coke?”

Customer: “Is that alcoholic?”

(I give up and hand her an iced tea.)

Customer, turning to a friend: *excitedly* “I got a virgin long island!”

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