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    On The Straight And Narrow (Minded)

    | Hertfordshire, England | Top

    (Note: I’m a female customer sitting in a pub. I’m approached by another male customer while I read a book.)

    Male customer: “Hello, my name is ***.”

    Me: “That’s nice.”

    Male customer: “So can I have your number?”

    Me: “Oh. Actually, I’m gay.”

    Male customer: “You want to have sex with women?”

    Me: “Well, not right now. Right now, I just want to read my book.”

    Male customer: “That’s bulls***! If you’re a lesbian then you want to have sex with women!”

    Me: “Honestly, I just want to read my book.”

    Male customer: “You’re lying to me, that’s very rude! I’m going to complain!”

    Male customer, to a waitress: “That girl over there is being really rude. I want you to do something, it’s disturbing my day. She just lied to me and told me that she was a lesbian, and now she’s mocking me.”

    Waitress: “What am I supposed to do about that? Make her straight?”

    Male customer: “Just do something about it!”

    Waitress, to me: “Hello, there.”

    Me: “Hello. I’m sorry about him.”

    Waitress: “Oh, it’s no problem! So, can I have your number?”

    Male customer: *looks horrified*

    Me: “Er, yeah, sure. Here.”

    (I write my number on a napkin and she takes it, still smiling.)

    Waitress, to male customer: “See? She’s a lesbian.”

    Male customer: “That’s not what I wanted you to do! I didn’t want you to ask her out, I wanted you to make her leave! I demand to speak to your manager!”

    Waitress: “Oh, he’s just popped out. I can get his boyfriend for you though if you want?”

    Male customer: *storms out cursing*

    (It turned out that the waitress was kidding about her manager, but she wasn’t kidding about asking me out!)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2

    | Israel | Top

    Me: “Hey there mate, what can I get ya?”

    Customer: “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

    Me: “Coming right up!”

    (I serve him his drink, but as soon as I turn around to handle the other customers, a lowball glass comes flying through the air, hits the wall, and shatters to a million pieces. I turn back and see the customer with a frown on his face.)

    Me: “Why the h*** did you do that for?!”

    Customer: “Why’d you put f***ing ice in my drink?! I didn’t ask for no f***ing ice!”

    Me: “Yes, you did! You asked for scotch on the rocks!”

    Customer: “Yeah, and you put ice in it!”

    Me: “Do you know what a scotch is?”

    Customer: “Whiskey?”

    Me: “Exactly. And do you know what ‘on the rocks’ means?”

    Customer: “How you make it?”

    Me: “No, it stands for ice. Scotch with ice.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “You’re gonna have to pay for the drink and the glass and then get out.”

    Customer: “How f***ing dare you?!”

    Me: “Do you know what on the rocks also means?”

    Customer: “No! What?!”

    (The doorman takes him by the hand, and then tosses him out the front door.)

    Related:
    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

    And This Is Before He Had A Pint

    | London, UK |

    (Note: the music from the jukebox in our bar is playing pretty loudly.)

    Customer: “Can you turn the jukebox back on please?”

    Me: “It is on.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not.”

    Me: “Yeah, it really is.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not. The government turned it off.”

    Me: “Erm, really?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so can you turn it back on?”

    Me: “Erm, okay…” *I pretend to push a button underneath the bar* “…how’s that?”

    Customer: “Much better, thanks!”

    Put Your Liquor Where Your Mouth Is

    | Stuttgart, Germany |

    (I work at the hotel bar, and at the time was the only one on duty. Two days before I’d jammed my fingers in a door and as such couldn’t use my left hand properly, and was wearing a bandage so the guests would see. We also shake our drinks using a shaker and glass so the customers get a bit of a show.)

    Customer: “I’d like a Sex on the Beach, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t make any shaken drinks at the moment since I can’t use my left hand.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, can you make something else that’s shaken?”

    Me: “Um, no. My hand is injured, and shaking one-handed isn’t a good idea.”

    Customer: “You just don’t know how to make the drink, do you? Trying to get away with something simple?”

    Me: *proceed to tell him the recipe of several shaken drinks* “…but I can’t do that because of my hand.”

    Customer: “I bet you I could shake one-handed. You’re just inept.”

    Me: “If you can do that, the drink’s on the house, but I won’t be responsible for any damages or spills.”

    Customer: “I’ve got a free drink then.”

    (He tries to shake it, and inevitably screws up, breaking the glass and spilling ingredients all over himself.)

    Customer: “I want a refund!” *storms out*

    Ah, College, Part 2

    | Iowa, USA |

    (I’m a bouncer in a college bar where you must be 21. Lots of underage people try coming in with fake IDs.)

    Me: “Can I see your ID?”

    College student: “Yeah…”

    (He hands me an ID that says he is 20.)

    Me: “Um, you are only 20.”

    College student: “Yeah, you can read a birthday! Can I go in now?”

    Me: “You have to be 21 to get in.”

    College student: “Oh… *hands me a fake ID* “…how about now?”

    Me: “Now you just lost your fake ID.”

    Related: Ah, College


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