July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Trending In The Wrong Direction

| UK | Uncategorized

(I work at a fairly indie bar. We have a lot of real ales on tap, which we serve in special old-fashioned mugs.)

Me: “Here you go,sir. One [name of ale].”

Customer: “This mug has a short straw on the bottom.”

Me: “That’s okay, I can take it off.” *moving to pull it away*

Customer: “Nah, you can leave it on. I want to start a new fashion trend!”

Me: *laughing* “Okay, I’ll leave it for you. That comes to [total].”

Customer: *hands over money* “Actually, I better take it off. The missis might get jealous I started a new trend and she didn’t!”

Wine & Spirits Of Camraderie

| Kingston, ON, Canada | Food & Drink

(It’s St. Patrick’s Day at my bar. I see a patron who has had too much to drink.)

Me: “I’m sorry, miss, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Patron: “Can I just finish my beer?”

Me: “I can’t let you do that.”

Patron’s friend: “Why are you kicking her out? I’m drunker than she is!”

Me: “Then you can leave, too!”

A Serious Case Of Insensitivity, Part 2

| London, England, UK | Uncategorized

(New Year’s Eve is in full swing. Shortly before the midnight countdown, a coworker of mine drops down dead beside me from a brain aneurysm. We went into shock and obviously tried to help her. The customer that she was serving starts complaining about the quality of service.)

Customer: “Leave her, it’s almost midnight! I need my glass of wine to celebrate!”

Me: “Sir, we believe she may be dead. Please have a bit of compassion. The bar will be closing now while we wait for emergency services.”

Customer: “Forget that! We want to celebrate. Get me my drink now and take her body out back or something!”

Me: “Security! Throw this man out and clear the bar.”

Customer: “I will get both her and you fired for this!”

Related:
Call 911: We’ve Got A Serious Case Of Insensitivity

You’re Dumb Enough Without Alcohol

| Christchurch, New Zealand | Extra Stupid

(We have a daily special where everything in the bar is $4. There are huge signs everywhere advertising this. I have this conversation at least twice a week.)

Customer: “How much is a vodka lime?”

Me: “$4. Everything is $4.”

Customer: “Really? So, how much is a tequila shot?”

Me: “$4. Everything is $4.”

Customer: “Even Jäger?”

Me: “If it’s alcohol, then it’s $4.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll have a gin.” ”

*pause*

Customer: “Is that $4 too?”

Part-Time, Double-Time

| London, England, UK | Uncategorized

(I am working in a pub with two public entrances: it has one small side entrance and another on the main street on the opposite wall. A 20 year-old girl enters through the side entrance and approaches the counter.)

Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a part-time job.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t need staff at the moment.”

(The girl leaves through the same entrance, walks around the building, walks in through the other door, and approaches the bar.)

Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a part-time job.”

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