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    Wine & Spirits Of Camraderie

    | Kingston, ON, Canada | Food & Drink

    (It’s St. Patrick’s Day at my bar. I see a patron who has had too much to drink.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, miss, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Patron: “Can I just finish my beer?”

    Me: “I can’t let you do that.”

    Patron’s friend: “Why are you kicking her out? I’m drunker than she is!”

    Me: “Then you can leave, too!”

    A Serious Case Of Insensitivity, Part 2

    | London, England, UK |

    (New Year’s Eve is in full swing. Shortly before the midnight countdown, a coworker of mine drops down dead beside me from a brain aneurysm. We went into shock and obviously tried to help her. The customer that she was serving starts complaining about the quality of service.)

    Customer: “Leave her, it’s almost midnight! I need my glass of wine to celebrate!”

    Me: “Sir, we believe she may be dead. Please have a bit of compassion. The bar will be closing now while we wait for emergency services.”

    Customer: “Forget that! We want to celebrate. Get me my drink now and take her body out back or something!”

    Me: “Security! Throw this man out and clear the bar.”

    Customer: “I will get both her and you fired for this!”

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    You’re Dumb Enough Without Alcohol

    | Christchurch, New Zealand | Extra Stupid

    (We have a daily special where everything in the bar is $4. There are huge signs everywhere advertising this. I have this conversation at least twice a week.)

    Customer: “How much is a vodka lime?”

    Me: “$4. Everything is $4.”

    Customer: “Really? So, how much is a tequila shot?”

    Me: “$4. Everything is $4.”

    Customer: “Even Jäger?”

    Me: “If it’s alcohol, then it’s $4.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll have a gin.” ”

    *pause*

    Customer: “Is that $4 too?”

    Part-Time, Double-Time

    | London, England, UK |

    (I am working in a pub with two public entrances: it has one small side entrance and another on the main street on the opposite wall. A 20 year-old girl enters through the side entrance and approaches the counter.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a part-time job.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t need staff at the moment.”

    (The girl leaves through the same entrance, walks around the building, walks in through the other door, and approaches the bar.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a part-time job.”

    The Cup Is Half Empty Kinda Guy, Part 2

    | Essex, UK |

    (The pub has a special offer selling pints of ale for the price of a half-pint.)

    Customer: “Can I have a pint of ale, please?”

    Me: “There you go. That’s £1.”

    Customer: “But, your sign says that a pint costs the same as a half-pint.”

    Me: “It is. A pint is usually £2.”

    Customer: “That is a rip-off. A pint should cost £1 anyway.”

    Me: “I assure you that a pint is usually £2.”

    Customer: “Forget this. I didn’t come in here to be conned. Just get me a half-pint instead.”

    (I pour half of the pint into a half-pint glass.)

    Me: “Here you go, sir.”

    Customer: “That’s better. How much is it?”

    Me: “It’s £1.”

    (The customer pays, picks up his drink and walks off happy.)

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