Me: “Thank you for calling [bank] credit card services. Can I have your name, please?”

Caller: “You need to turn my d*** speakerphone on before I can talk, so I can hear you across the room!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t turn your speakerphone on for you. You have to do that yourself.”

Caller: “All the other f***ing banks can turn it on for me! What do you mean you can’t?!”

Me: “Sir, nobody has the ability to turn on your speakerphone for you, except for you.”

Caller: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t reach through the phone and push the speakerphone button for you. It’s physically impossible. You have to do it yourself.”

Caller: “What the h*** do you mean you won’t push the button for me?! Are you saying you’re not going to come push my buttons?! Where the h*** are you located?!

Me: “Central Oklahoma, sir. You have to push your own buttons.”

*long silence*

Me: “Anything else I can help you with, sir?”

Caller: “You’re too far to push my buttons anyways.” *hangs up*

Related:
Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

(I specialize in modifying loans to make an existing payment more manageable. These are called ‘loan modifications’.)

Customer: “I’m calling for a ‘remortification’.”

Me: *joking* “Okay, so you were previously mortified?”

Customer: “Yes, once before. My payments are too high now. I need to be mortified again.”

Customer: “Can I trade you for a better looking bill?”

(The customer hands me a nearly destroyed $20 bill.)

Me: “Sure!”

(I hand him a cleaner bill.)

Customer: “No, this isn’t what I want. Don’t you have any new ones?”

Me: “We only order new bills at the end of the year. Do you want me to see if I have a newer looking one?”

Customer: “Wait, you order the bills? I thought you printed them yourself in the back.”

Me: “No. That’s actually illegal, ma’am.”

Customer: “But my son does it all the time!”

Customer: “Whenever I try to print my statement from your website, it always comes out really light. I don’t have this problem with other websites. Are you guys out of ink?”

Me: “No. Are you using your home computer?”

Customer: “Yes. I already called the ink cartridge company. They said it’s not their fault.”

Me: “Well, if you’re trying to print at home, it’s a problem with your home computer. Our printers are working just fine.”

Customer: “So, you’re not out of ink?”

Me: “No. Maybe you should have someone look at your computer’s settings.”

Customer: “Should I call the ink cartridge company again?”

Me: “I don’t think that will fix it.”

Customer: “Okay. I’ll call the ink cartridge company again. Thanks! Bye!”

Me: “Here’s your new bank card. You will be able to change your PIN number at the ATM.”

Customer: “PIN number is a redundant phrase. It’s like ‘personal identification number’, number. You work in a bank. You ought to know that by now.”

Me: “You’re right, sir.”

Customer: *smirks* “I’m always right. So, where’s the ATM machine?”