Customer: “Do you have, like, loans that you don’t have to pay back?”

Me: “No. Any loan approved by [Bank] would come with repayment terms.”

Customer: “Well, you answered that too quickly. Can’t you go check in the back or something?”

Me: “Check in the back… for a loan?”

Customer: “Or something.”

I know I’ll regret asking this, but I follow my training.

Me: “Maybe if you tell me the purpose of the loan and how much you’d need, I might be able to direct you to someone?”

Customer: “Well… I just want some money.”

Me: “Okay… and why is that?”

Customer: “Because I have no money.”

Me: “I see.”

Customer: “So… could I have some?”

I passed them on to a manager. I thought I was being pranked, but no, my manager confirmed that we had both just interacted with the most stupid human being we’ve ever met.

I’m getting ready to buy a car. I don’t like the idea of being in more debt than I have to, so I’ve been saving for a while and am planning to buy the car outright. I’m also in the process of switching banks after a move since the nearest branch of my old bank is now two hours away. I’ve set up a new bank account and transferred some money over, but a lot of my money is still in the old account because I haven’t gotten around to transferring over the direct deposit from my job.

My stepdad has offered to help because he’s a better negotiator than I am, but he’s also been helping me look for cars online. I notice that he’s looking at newer, more expensive cars than I am.

Me: “I don’t really want to go over $15,000. That’s what I have in my local bank account. When [Brother] and [Sister-In-Law] bought a car recently, they said the dealership wouldn’t take anything but cash or a registered check, and they had to go to the bank to get those. If I go over $15,000, I’m afraid I’ll have to go to [City two hours away where the nearest bank branch is] to get the payment.”

Stepdad: “No, don’t worry about that. You can just pay by wire transfer. It’ll be easy.”

So, I pick out a car that, after taxes, fees, etc., costs $22,000. Here’s a VERY condensed version of the conversations I have after that.

On Saturday, the day I’ve agreed to buy the car:

Dealership: “We can’t take personal checks, so you’ll need cash or a certified check from your bank to buy the car outright.”

Me: “I can’t do that; they’re two hours away. What about a wire transfer?”

Dealership: “Oh, yeah, that works. We’ll hold the car until payment goes through, and then you can come pick it up.”

On Monday:

Bank: “We don’t do wire transfers over $5,000 unless you come in in person.”

Me: “I guess I should let the dealership know this is going to be trickier than I thought, and ask if they have any other ideas and how long they’ll hold the car for me.”

Dealership: “You need to talk to someone in finance? Sorry, they’re literally all out today.”

In fairness, it is Columbus Day, but that’s not a very commonly observed holiday, and the dealership is open. You’d think SOMEONE in the finance department would be there.

On Monday night, talking to my family:

Me: “I don’t see why this has to be so complicated. Why can’t I just write a check or pay with my debit card, like any other purchase? They could avoid the risk of it bouncing by holding the car until the payment clears or calling the bank to make sure I have the money.”

Stepdad: *Somewhat condescendingly* “They can’t do that because people would come in writing bad checks, and they’d have to hold a lot of cars waiting to see if the checks cleared.”

I’m thinking, “And that’s riskier than what they’re doing now, which is holding the car without even a check, just based on my word that I’m going to pay them for it?”

On Tuesday:

Dealership: “You need to talk to someone in finance? Okay, we’ll transfer you to a random finance person’s voicemail.”

Several hours later, the finance person calls me back.

Car Finance Person: “Let’s call your bank together and straighten this out. It should be easy.”

We call.

Bank Person #1: “Sure, we can do the transfer. Answer some security questions, and I’ll send you to the wire transfer department.”

They transfer us.

Bank Person #2: “Actually, this is the IT department.” 

Maybe the first person figured IT deals with wires?

Bank Person #2: “But anyway, nobody can do a wire transfer without you being here. I’ll transfer you to your local branch; they’ll know you. Maybe they can do it.”

So, they can’t, but maybe they can? And no matter how many security questions I answer correctly, it’s too much of a fraud risk to transfer over $5,000, but if a random teller thinks they recognize my voice that makes it okay?

“Local” Branch Person: “No, I don’t recognize you.” 

This is unsurprising since what they call my “local” branch is two hours away and I’ve never been there.

“Local” Branch Person: “But anyway, we can’t do a wire transfer unless you come in. I don’t know why the IT person thought the branch would be able to do it.”

After we hang up with the bank:

Car Finance Person: “You know what? Just come back to the dealership and write us a check. We’ll call the bank to confirm that you have enough money, so we’ll know it won’t bounce.”

What a revolutionary idea!

I did end up writing the check and bringing the car home on Wednesday. I’ve since resolved to: A) make it a priority to finish switching to a local bank, B) point out to my stepfather that the solution we ended up going with was the same one he shot down when I suggested it, and C) NEVER, EVER listen to anyone who says, “Don’t worry; this should be easy.”

Related:
Shut Up And Take My Money! Part 3
Shut Up And Take My Money! Part 2
Shut Up And Take My Money!

I’m only disappointed that I don’t know more about the corners of this story to share with you all.  

I work in an office building that has a bank on the main floor. Every day around 7:30 or 7:45 am, the armoured truck with the armed workers shows up to bring money to or take money from the bank.

I show up to work just before 8:00 one morning to see both the armoured truck and a downed light pole blocking the main entrance to the parking lot and one lane of traffic. The front driver’s side tire is off the rim, the rim and axle both look bent, and the light pole and box are lying over the truck box, spitting angry sparks.

A couple of hours later, I go for a dart and see that the sparks have stopped, and a tow truck has arrived, along with the police. The two armed employees are refusing to get out of the truck, citing safety policies. The tow truck driver is refusing to lift or move the truck with passengers, citing safety policies. The police officer is losing it at everyone, threatening to arrest everybody if both trucks aren’t out of traffic in the next ten minutes.  

I next go out a couple of hours later at lunch, and the armoured truck is now in the parking lot, sans tire and employees. I heard from the building manager that the tow truck driver eventually agreed to tow the truck fully into the parking lot only, with the employees inside. After another hour or so, another armoured truck showed up, the workers transferred the money, and the employees could leave.

The real question is, how fast do you have to be going in a parking lot to hit a light pole hard enough to knock it off the concrete and bend your rim and axle, and how do you even do that in a parking lot that you attend every morning? Also, does it seem super suspicious to strand an armoured truck for several hours?

I used to work in a bank. We had a… difficult client who came out of the woodwork about something that had happened two years before, at a completely different branch, trying to blame us. It’s a long he-said-she-said, but he threatened legal action, and we cut contact.

He kept calling various departments and screaming until his calls were escalated. For some reason, that escalated person would ignore all notes, contact the branch, and go:

Escalated Employee: “I have [Client] on the line, and he says you ignore all his phone calls?”

Me: *For the fifteenth time* “He threatened legal action and we cut all contact. He was told he has to go through legal channels now.”

Escalated Employee: “Oh, okay!”

And then they’d get back to me later and go:

Escalated Employee: “He said he didn’t mean it.”

That doesn’t matter. As soon as you threaten legal action, you’re stuck there!

Unfortunately, I left the bank and therefore didn’t see the conclusion.

Related:
Do You Ever Wish You Could Fire A Customer?

I had an investment account at my bank that I set up in order to save for my kids’ college, and I used it to pay tuition. About two years after the last one graduated, I realized that I’d been getting a monthly statement for the account, even though it only had $280 in it.

I went to the bank to close it out and have the $280 transferred to my checking account. They sent me to an investment specialist in a small office off to the side, since customer service people can’t do anything with investment accounts.

I want to state that the person I sat down with was doing his job, and he had rules and procedures to follow. He started out nice and friendly. When he asked why I wanted to close the account, I explained to him that I was getting monthly statements, it was costing the bank money, etc. However, he told me there would be a $135 fee to close out the account. I asked if it could be waived since it was half the value of the account, and it was costing the bank to send the statements, and he got irritated with me for even suggesting such a thing. Then, he spent the next fifteen minutes trying to sell me life insurance, asking how much I had in my other accounts, and telling me that he could probably do better performance-wise if I transferred it all to his investment branch.

Cue petty revenge:

I decided not to close out the account but to take out $279 instead, leaving a buck in it. In a now condescending tone, he lectured me that it wouldn’t stop the monthly statements, the reason I wanted to close the account. I explained to him that it wasn’t worth $135 to me to stop the mail.

Two years later, I’m still getting monthly statements for the account that now has $1.03 in it.