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    Blood Money

    | NY, USA | Health & Body, Money

    (A customer walks up to my teller window, and throws two rolls of pennies down. They are covered in wet blood. I try not to look disgusted.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry; I can’t accept that.”

    Customer: “Why not? It’s good American money.”

    Me: “I’m sure it is, but it’s covered in blood; I’m not going to touch that.”

    Customer: “It’s fine; it’s just my blood.”

    Me: “Excuse me while I get my manager.”

    (I happily escape to the back to try to settle my stomach while the manager talks to the man.)

    Manager: “Sir, we can’t accept these pennies like this.”

    Customer: “It’s perfectly good American money!”

    Manager: “Yes, but we can’t take it like this. If you like, I can give you new wrappers. You can re-roll the pennies, and then we can deposit them for you.”

    Customer: “F*** this country! My money isn’t good in a bank; it isn’t good anywhere!” *storms out*

    How To Keep Your Days From Drag(ging)-On

    | FL, USA | Bizarre, Money

    (I’m working at my teller window when a client with a bandaged hand comes up with a deposit.)

    Me: “Hello! Welcome to [bank]. I see that you hurt your hand; were you fighting with a dragon?”

    Client: “Yes, and it won.”

    Me: “Was it a big dragon?”

    Client: “No, it was a little one. But he didn’t play fair. He used fire!”

    Me: “Oh, no! Well, better luck to you next time. Here’s your receipt. Have a wonderful day!”

    Client: “You too! Thanks!” *walks out the door*

    (My boss, who has been standing behind me the whole time, finally speaks up.)

    Boss: “That was not normal…”

    The Next Generation Versus The Last One

    | IN, USA | Family & Kids

    (I am visiting my friend. She has a lot of errands to run with her boyfriend. We go to the bank first. While they’re setting things up, I’m watching their daughter.)

    Me: “Hey princess, what do you want to do while waiting?”

    Friend’s Daughter: “Up!”

    (I pick her up and twirl her around a few times while she giggles.)

    Me: “Aww, you really like that! I’m gonna miss it when you’re too big for this.”

    (A teller looks over and smiles at us.)

    Teller: “She looks like a really happy kid.”

    (I realize pretty quickly he thinks she is my daughter, but he’s being nice, so I don’t bother to correct him.)

    Me: “Thanks!”

    (As we talk, another customer is giving a disapproving glare both at my friend’s daughter, and at my hair, which is blonde at the ends.)

    Customer: “You should be ashamed! Having a kid at your age, and setting such a bad example!”

    (I’m stunned. I’m in my third year of college, and I realize I look younger than I am, but my friend’s daughter isn’t even two years old. My friends have finished with their deposit and head over.)

    Me: “Hey princess, see mommy!”

    Friend’s Daughter: “Mama!”

    Friend: “Thanks for watching her!”

    Me: “No problem!”

    Customer: *embarrassed*

    Freedom Isn’t Free

    | USA | Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    (I’m a bank teller at a large national bank. A customer in her mid-twenties comes up to my till.)

    Me: “Welcome to [bank name]! How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, can I find the total amount I owe for my student loans?”

    Me: “Sure, what is your full name?”

    (She gives me her name, and I give her the amount owed. It is a fairly large amount.)

    Customer: “Perfect!”

    (With a large smile, she hands me a cashier check from another bank, for the exact amount, totally paying off all loans she has with this bank. I enter the info, and print her receipt. I quickly run to the back to see my manager.)

    Me: “Can I give this customer a couple of the promotional items that we usually give to people that open checking accounts?”

    (My manager see the amount that she is paying, and that this means the customer has totally paid off the loans.)

    Manager: “You can give her whatever you want!”

    (I grab some items, and bring them back up to the till.)

    Me: “Congratulations on paying off all your loans. Here’s your receipt, and a few gifts for paying off such a large loan amount.”

    Customer: “Thank you very much! What I’m about to say has nothing to do with you; you are a great person, and thank you very much for the free gift. So, just go with everything I’m about to do.”

    Me: “…Okay?”

    (She holds up the receipt above her head, and speaks in a loud voice.)

    Customer: “Ha! Six years ago I sold my soul to this bank! But after going through the nine circles of hell, I have finally gotten free of it! I now owe you nothing, zip, zero, nada! I am free; no more bills, payments, fees, nothing. I’M FREEEEEEE!”

    (Even as she walks out the doors, she’s yelling and dancing. The dozen or so other customers and workers watch her the whole time. Another customer speaks loud enough so just about everyone can hear him.)

    Customer #2: “Raise your hand if you wish you could do that.”

    (Just about everyone else in the bank raises their hand.)

    Putting The Security Into Social Security

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Money, Top

    (I work as a collections agent for a major bank in the USA.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [major bank]; my name is Kevin. What can I—”

    Customer: “English, ass-h***! Speak English!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m speaking English.”

    Customer: “I just want to pay my [other bank's] credit card. My SSN is [number].”

    Me: “Ma’am you are calli—”

    Customer: “How you dare to interrupt me! My check account is [number] and my name is [name].”

    Me: “Miss, you are calling [major bank], not [other bank].”

    Customer: “What?! Who are you? Why are you calling me? I’m going to the police! I want your f****** name, and I want to speak with your supervisor before I go there and shoot someone!”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (I mute the headset.)

    Customer: “What are you waiting for?!”

    Me: “I’m waiting for you to tell me why you need to speak to my supervisor. If it was because you called a wrong number and said all you personal info, or maybe because you cursed at me several times, or that you, in a recorded, federal monitored line, threatened to shoot me.”

    Customer: “Oh, no! I didn’t say that!”

    (I check on the database for her full name with her SSN.)

    Me: “Okay, let me put you on hold so I can speak with my supervisor and call the police. Your full name is [full name], right? Your address is [address], and your phone is [phone number].”

    (The customer hangs up. I end up having a verbal warning from my boss, along with a free meal from him for “the funniest following-guidelines-call I have ever heard”.)

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