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    Running Some Marriage Checks

    | OR, USA | Crazy Requests, Money

    (A man comes up to my teller window and gives me an account number that he wants to deposit a check into. I pull up the account to see that his wife is the only name on the account, but the check is written out to him.)

    Me: “Hmm, do you have an account with us? Since the check is written out to you, I would have to first deposit it into your account and then transfer it to your wife’s account.”

    (After having to explain this concept a couple more times, he gives me his own account number, and I notice just how much the check is for: almost $30,000.)

    Me: “You know, I am actually going to need to put a three-day hold on this check.”

    Husband: “What? Why?”

    Me: “It’s based on a lot of factors, like your account activity and current balance, which is not much and under $500, and that you’ve chosen to come to a branch an hour from your house, which is a little odd.”

    Husband: “What? I’ve been banking here for 30 years; you’re not putting a hold on my check. That’s just ridiculous. It’s a good check! Give it back to me. I’ll just take it somewhere where they’ll actually be happy to take my money!”

    (After several more minutes of this, I ultimately agree to not put any hold on the check and he leaves. I show the check to my supervisor a couple minutes later, who says that we ARE going to put a hold on the funds. My manager is about to call the customer to let him know, when a woman walks up to my station.)

    Wife: “Hi, I wanted to transfer my husband’s check into my account. He was just in here.”

    Me: “Oh hi, give me just a second.”

    (I grab my supervisor, who tells her that we will need to put a hold on the check, so we can’t transfer it to her account just yet.)

    Wife: “Oh that’s fine. We don’t need the money now, but my husband is just so bad with his money that he’s not allowed to touch it. That’s why we keep it in my account. Otherwise he would just spend it.”

    Me: “Oh, well thank you for understanding!”

    Wife: “Oh I don’t care. It’s not a big deal. My husband was probably not very nice about it though, was he?”

    Me: “Haha, well…”

    Wife: “Yeah, he’s not very sociable.”

    Classic Banking Withdrawal Symptoms

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (My bank offers free cookies to our customers to thank them for banking with us. Most people are polite and only take one cookie, two at the most for someone else waiting at home. One customer is notorious for going to all her local branches and taking every single cookie by dumping them in a grocery bag. Today, a coworker has just finished waiting on her while I am finishing up with a customer.)

    Me: “Is there anything else we can help you with today?”

    Customer: “Yes, what kind of cookies do you have?”

    Me: “We have peanut butter and chocolate chip. They are in a basket by the door on your way out; please help yourself!”

    (My customer heads over. Unfortunately, she’s right behind the other notorious customer with the grocery bag in her hand. He watches as the other customer picks up handful after handful of cookies and shoves them into her grocery bag and leaves, the basket now empty.)

    Me: *to my next customer* “Oh my God. I’m so sorry, sir. We just finished making a fresh batch. Would you like one or two?”

    Next Customer: *laughing* “No, no thank you. I guess it’s a sign that I don’t really need a cookie today!”

    This Customer Has A Tuna Problems

    | Bellingham, WA, USA | Bizarre, Money

    (I’m a teller at a bank. A young customer comes up to my window.)

    Customer: “I’d like to withdraw $20.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like your available balance is $10. Would you like to withdraw that amount?”

    Customer: “No. I want to withdraw $20.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; I can only withdraw the $10 you have available.”

    Customer: “But I want $20!”

    Me: “I can’t give you more money than you have in your account.”

    Customer: “Well at least it’s not a Nazi-controlled fish world where it’s ‘hail tuna, only what the tuna says!.’”

    (The customer waits for me to reply, but I have no idea if this is some pop culture reference.)

    Me: “…no. At least it’s not like that…”

    Customer: “I’ll take the $10.”

    (The customer leaves happily, and I never find any info on her fish world. I assume it is original, as the next week she tells me I would be ‘sweeter if I was made out of silver.’)

    In Need Of A Four-Letter Word

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Funny Names, Money

    Customer: “I forgot my account number; can you look it up?”

    Me: “Sure. Just tell me how to spell your last name.”

    Customer: *gives me a five-letter name*

    Me: “I’m sorry; it’s not working. Are you sure it’s spelled [spells out loud]?”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s right.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; still nothing’s coming up. Are you certain you have an account here?”

    Customer: “Yes, I just made a deposit yesterday!”

    Me: “I’m sure it’s just something simple; perhaps I’ve spelled your name wrong. Can I see your ID?”

    (The customer hands me their ID, at which point I see that the last name is nine letters long.)

    Me: “You’ve only been giving me the first five letters of your last name.”

    Customer: “What, you need my whole name?”

    Blood Money

    | NY, USA | Health & Body, Money

    (A customer walks up to my teller window, and throws two rolls of pennies down. They are covered in wet blood. I try not to look disgusted.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry; I can’t accept that.”

    Customer: “Why not? It’s good American money.”

    Me: “I’m sure it is, but it’s covered in blood; I’m not going to touch that.”

    Customer: “It’s fine; it’s just my blood.”

    Me: “Excuse me while I get my manager.”

    (I happily escape to the back to try to settle my stomach while the manager talks to the man.)

    Manager: “Sir, we can’t accept these pennies like this.”

    Customer: “It’s perfectly good American money!”

    Manager: “Yes, but we can’t take it like this. If you like, I can give you new wrappers. You can re-roll the pennies, and then we can deposit them for you.”

    Customer: “F*** this country! My money isn’t good in a bank; it isn’t good anywhere!” *storms out*


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