(I work for a bank’s fraud claims department.)

Caller: “I did not do this transaction from [male enhancement supplements company].”

Me: “Sir, I see that the merchant was able to verify your name, full address, and card CVV. Is there anyone else who has access to your card?”

Caller: “This is fraud! I don’t even know who the f*** they are!”

Me: “I understand, but if they have your address, most likely the product was shipped to you.”

Caller: “D*** it. I did it, okay? IT DIDN’T WORK!”

(Note: This customer is a little odd and makes the entire staff nervous when he comes in.)

Me: “Okay, here’s your receipt. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “You could marry me…”

Me: *awkwardly laughs*

Coworker: “Well, is there anything else you need from me today?”

Customer, to my coworker: “You could pay for our honeymoon.”

(Suddenly, the customer turns to me.)

Customer, to me: “Okay, I’m just kidding. But I wasn’t kidding about you.”

Customer: *placing coin in front of me* “This is a dollar.”

Me: “That’s a quarter.”

Customer: “Right, a quarter dollar.”

Me: “Yes, a quarter dollar.”

Customer: “So which is it, a quarter or a dollar?”

Me: “It’s a quarter.”

Customer: “Then why does it say quarter dollar?”

Me: “Because it’s a quarter of a dollar.”

Customer: *uproarious laughter*

Me: “I wasn’t kidding.”

Customer: *leaves looking extremely disappointed*

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “Not too good. My bowel movements are very loose.”

Me: *speechless*

(I work in the personnel assistance phone queue. Basically, it means I take escalated calls from angry customers.)

Customer: “My deposit is missing.”

Me: “Okay, was it a branch deposit or an ATM deposit?”

Customer: “I went through the drive-through at your bank branch and made my deposit. It’s not in my flipping account yet and I need it now!”

Me: “Okay, I’d be happy to take a look at it. What’s your account number?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t have an account with your bank…”

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