(Today I am the only teller working at the bank, as the rest of my coworkers have called in sick. A little boy whose head barely peeks over the counter waves his hand with a bag of coins in it.)

Boy: “I want to put this on my savings account! I worked hard! I’m saving money for my girlfriend’s birthday!”

(As it happens the cash counting machine is broken, so I have to count them by hand.)

Me: “All right, let’s see how much you got there!” *starts adding up the pennies*

(The customer behind the boy, an elderly woman, is growing very impatient.)

Woman: “Oh, come on! I’ve got more to do!”

Me: “Just a moment, ma’am.” *continues counting*

Woman: *angry* “Hurry up! My time is valuable!”

Me: *finally finished counting* “That’s $31.75! You can buy her a handsome gift!”

Boy: *smiles* “Yeah, she’ll be happy! Bye!” *rushes outside*

Me: “Bye!” *to the woman* “How can I help you?”

Woman: *confused* “Oh…I forgot…”

Me: “Please step aside, then, so I can help the next customer…”

Woman: *face turns red, mumbles, leaves the bank*

(A customer who doesn’t have an account wishes to cash a check drawn on the bank. However, because it’s a very large check, I am unable to complete the transaction without speaking to the maker of the check.)

Customer: *angry* “Give me something that says you can’t negotiate this check!”

Me: “I don’t have any kind of declined transaction form. Here’s your check back.”

(As I attempt to explain, the customer becomes more and more hostile.)

Customer: “I’d better speak to the vice president, or I’m calling the police!”

(I call the police.)

Me: “Okay, they’re on their way.”

Customer: *confused* “…who is?”

Me: “The police.”

Customer: *scared* “Wait, I didn’t say to call the police!”

Related:
Be Careful What You Ask For

(A customer is calling in regarding a 5-day hold we have on his deposit of a personal check for $150,000. Note that in the 3 months he has been a customer, his account has been negative 60 times and has an average daily balance of $75.00—hence the hold.)

Customer: “You need to give me all my money now! My family is starving. We have no money to pay for food! I am going to the local news and telling them about how you big banks are forcing us to starve to death!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we did give you $1000 of that deposit immediately. Due to the large amount of the check, you will have to wait for the hold to be lifted.”

Customer: “But my children are starving! How can you be so cruel and starve children?!”

Me: “Sir, we are your bank. I can see everything you have spent with your debit card, and I see you went to [upscale restaurant] and spent $250 last night on dinner.”

Customer: “Well…the lobster was under-prepared. Do you really expect my children to be forced to eat like that?! This isn’t a third world country! What is wrong with you?? They are starving!”

(Note: I never forget a face, ever. A man walks into my bank, straight to my desk. He has a look on his face as if he knows exactly who I am. However, I have never seen him before in my life.)

Man:*smiles and sits down at my desk* “Your mother is a dirty w****.”

Me: “E-e-excuse me?!”

Man: “You heard me. A dirty, nasty w****.”

Me: “Sir, first of all, I am certain you don’t know my mother, since she’s dead. Second, you need to leave right now for speaking like that.”

Man: “Wait, is this [competitor]?”

Me: “No, no it’s not. Please leave.”

Man: *quickly leaves*

(A customer approaches the teller window with a withdrawal ticket.)

Me: “Hi there! Withdrawal today?”

(The customer seems taken aback.)

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “You’re taking out cash, right?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. I thought you knew about my drug problem!”