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    Do Not Like

    | USA | Bizarre, Language & Words, Money

    (I work at a branch in a college town, so our customers are often in their late teens. I have just been commenting to a coworker that all these kids make me feel old when this happens.)

    Customer: “I, like, want to, like, deposit some money in, like, my, like, account.”

    Me: “Certainly. Is that going to checking or savings?”

    Customer: “Like, checking?”

    Me: “Of course. Do you want all of your check going in or would you like some cash back for yourself?”

    Customer: “Like, can I, like, get $20, like, back?”

    (I process everything through and the customer leaves.)

    Me: *to coworkers, who are dying laughing* “And that, my friends, is the future of the world. Dear god, I hope she isn’t an English major.

    Just Crushed Her Saga

    , | USA | Money, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, ma’am. I do believe there’s a fraudulent charge on my account.”

    Me: “Oh, no! Let’s see what we can do. Which item is fraudulent?”

    Customer: “The $29.99 charge on January ninth.”

    (I scroll down to the charge and then I notice the woman’s account is completely over-run with $0.99 charges to Google. When people get customer debit card numbers, they often make small purchases so they customer won’t notice, but this is completely insane.)

    Me: *ignoring the Google charges for the time being* “Okay, I see the $29.99 charge. Do you want me to file a dispute on this item?”

    Customer: “Oh! Oh, now wait, honey. I know what it is. I forgot I ordered that purse from the TV.” *laughs* “Never mind. I didn’t mean to waste your time! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “Wait, ma’am, hold on. I’m glad you figured out that charge was legitimate, but I do need to ask you… Um, are you aware there are multiple small transactions to Google on your account? I mean, they go all the way back for at least three months. I’m seeing so many I can’t count them all!”

    Customer: “Oh, honey, I know. My husband tells me I need to stop!”

    Me: “Stop, ma’am? Stop what?”

    Customer: “Oh, you know. Ain’t you ever felt so swag you just had to play Candy Crush at three am?”

    Me: *blink* “No, ma’am. Can’t say that I have.”

    Customer: “Oh, I just get so mad. I just gotta beat that level!”

    Me: *laughs* “Well, hey, we all gotta unwind somehow!”

    Customer: “How much I spent on Candy Crush anyhow? $50?”

    Me: *tallying it all up* “Um… it looks like approximately $767.87 in three months.”

    (There is a prolonged silence.)

    Customer: “HOW MUCH!?”

    Me: “$767.87, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh honey, don’t you tell my husband. He already mad at me as it is. Oh well! Thanks, baby, you have a great night!”

    (The customer had well over $15,000 in her regular checking account so I suppose she wasn’t missing it too badly!)

    His Wife Will Have Hell Toupee

    | IN, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

    (I work in the vault room, handling the deposits that local businesses put in the drop box throughout the night. One morning, before I even have a chance to open the night drop, my phone rings. It is an internal number that only bank employees can dial. I answer, and on the other end is one of the operators from the 24-hour call center.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Operator: “Yes, this is [Name] in the call center. I have a customer on the line that insisted I transfer him to you immediately. I tried to explain that your branch doesn’t open for another hour, but he insisted it was an emergency. Do you want to take the call, or should I have him call back?”

    Me: “No, don’t have him call back. I’m here, so I’ll take it.”

    Operator: “Thank you. I’ll put him through.”

    (After I hear the tell-tale ‘click’ of the operator putting the customer on the line, I continue.)

    Me: “Sir, thank you for calling. This is [My Name]. The call center operator said you had an emergency. How can I help you this morning?”

    Caller: “I need my hair back!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “Oh, for crying out loud! Fine. I need my hair back, please!”

    Me: “No, sir, I wasn’t asking you to say please. I was making sure I heard you correctly. Did you say you need your hair back?”

    Caller: “Yes, I did! I need my hair back, and I KNOW you have it!”

    Me: “Sir, I have no idea what you are talking about.”

    Caller: “My hair! Give me my hair back!”

    Me: “Please, calm down. Can you explain to me what you mean?”

    Caller: “My d*** wife. She ripped my hair off and now you have it. I want it back, and I want it back NOW! I’m right outside your bank, and I need my hair back!”

    (I look at my monitor, which displays a cycling image of all of the security cameras since the vault room has no windows. Sure enough, I see a man in our parking lot pacing back and forth in front of our door with a baseball cap on. I glance at my watch. It is only 7 am, and there are only two employees here. The rest of the employees won’t be in for half an hour and the lobby will not open until 8 am.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. I see you outside, but I am afraid that we do not open for another hour. On top of that, I still don’t know what you are talking about.”

    Caller: “For crying out loud! Are you stupid?! That b**** took my hair and I want it back!”

    Me: “Sir, please do not insult me or use that kind of language. I’d be happy to help you if you could just calm down and explain yourself.”

    Caller: *takes a deep breath and answers more calmly* “Okay. Last night, my wife and I were dropping off the deposit for my business. She was screaming at me in the car, accusing me of cheating on her, all because I hired a teenage girl to work the front counter of our store. She was mad and screaming at me the whole time. My wife dropped the deposit in the box. Then she yelled ‘let’s see if your new girlfriend likes you bald!’, ripped my toupee off my head, and put it in your drop box. I am leaving her today, but I need my hair back. Please, can I have my hair back?”

    Me: *feeling sorry for the guy* “Okay, sir, I understand. I haven’t opened the night drop yet, and I can’t until another employee gets here in about half an hour. When she does, I will open the night drop and look for your hair. There is a [donut shop] across the street. Maybe you could go get some coffee, maybe some breakfast, and I could call you back when I get the night drop open?”

    Caller: *noticeably calmer* “That would be fine. Thank you! I really need my hair! I’ve had it with that shrew. Every time she sees me even say hello to a younger woman she screams that I must be cheating on her and she does something to my toupee. This is the fourth one she’s tried to destroy or get rid of!”

    Me: “I understand, sir. I will call you back as soon as I can.”

    (The caller gives me his cell phone number, and I watch on the security monitor as he gets in his car and drives off. Half an hour later my coworker arrives and I relate the entire story to her as we open the night drop, which requires two people to do. As I expected, on top of the other deposit bags is a toupee, adhesive still attached to the underside of it. I call the customer back, tell him I have his hair, and tell him that if he comes to the front door I will give it back to him. When he gets back to the bank, he is carrying three large boxes of donuts.)

    Caller: “Here, these donuts are for you. You have been so nice to me, even after I yelled at you. I am sorry for that. I was taking out the anger I have toward my vicious harpy of a wife on you, and that was wrong. Please, share these with your coworkers.”

    Me: “Oh! Well, thank you, sir!”

    (We exchanged packages. I took the donuts, he took his hair, and we parted ways. Less than a week later I did discovered that he had closed his joint accounts, opened up sole accounts in just his name, and that his address was now different than his wife’s. Guess you shouldn’t mess with a man’s toupee!)

    Underpinning Their Own Stupidity

    , | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Extra Stupid, Money

    (We aren’t allowed to know customer’s personal identification numbers (PIN). If they disclose it, we have to reissue a new one, blocking their current one and starting a seven day wait for a new one to be sent.)

    Me: “Okay, you’ll need your PIN to set up online banking. Without telling me what it is, can you tell me if you know your PIN?”

    Caller: “Why can’t I say my PIN?”

    Me: “It’s your secure PIN. You shouldn’t disclose it to anyone, not even me. If you do, I’m required to replace it. That will delay what you want to do today. So, please don’t tell me what it is. Do you know your PIN? Just yes or no will be fine.”

    Caller: “My PIN is 1234. I forbid you to replace it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I asked you not to tell me, and I explained why. I have to replace it now. I am truly sorry. It will take up to seven business days for you to receive it by mail.”

    Caller: “DON’T YOU DARE! I NEED ONLINE BANKING TO WORK TODAY!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I did explain this. I also have no option. I’m now required to replace your PIN for security.”

    Caller: “But I need this set up today! It’s urgent!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you clearly understood me. Can I ask, why did you tell me your PIN after I asked you not to?”

    Caller: “I DON’T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO!”

    Understanding In All But Name

    | IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

    Me: “Hi! What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I need to cash my check.”

    Me: “Sure! I’ll need to see your ID please.”

    Customer: “Why? It’s MY check!”

    Me: “I understand, but I’ve never waited on you before. I need to verify that it is your check.”

    Customer: “But it’s MY check!”

    Me: “But I don’t know that. I don’t know you.”

    Customer: “It has my NAME on it!”

    Me: “But I don’t know your name. I’ve never waited on you before. I have to make sure that the right person gets their money.”

    Customer: “My name is on the check!”

    Me: “Ma’am, what if you dropped the check outside and someone else brought it in to cash? Would you want me to cash it for them?”

    Customer: “No, because they aren’t me!”

    Me: “How would I know that?”

    Customer: “Because MY name is on the check!”

    Me: *sighs*

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