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    She Also Has A Cape That Lets Her Fly

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    (We have a female customer who is a regular but definitely has some kind of mental issues. On every visit to our branch she also uses the safe deposit box.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, there’s something wrong with my safe deposit box.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry ma’am. What is the problem so we can rectify it for you?”

    Customer: “Every time I visit my safe deposit box I find things that I never put there. Someone has been taking things in and out of my box!”

    Me: “I assure you that this is not possible because every box requires two keys in order to open. You have one side and the bank retains the other. Only you have the issued keys.”

    Customer: “I know you are lying. I know you have a key that opens very box because one time a friend of mine gave me a key to the city and I went around opening all the doors.”

    Me: “Ok…I’m going to have to refer you to my manager.”

    It’s A Telephone, Not a Teleporter

    | United Kingdom |

    (Customer calls in asking about her balance and bank charges. Just to emphasise this conversation take place over a telephone.)

    Me: “Your balance is *** amount into an unplanned overdraft but you have until 3pm tomorrow to credit your account and you’ll avoid any charges.”

    Her: “Hmmm, well I got some money but I won’t be able to get into my branch tomorrow. Can’t I just pay it in over the phone?”

    Me: “From another account?”

    Her: “No from the same account.”

    Me: “I’m not sure I understand, the account is overdrawn. You needs funds from another source.”

    Her: “I know, I have some from my account.”

    Me: “You mean cash?”

    Her: “Yeah could I do that?”

    Me: “No, you would have to go into your branch to pay that in.”

    Her: “I just said I can’t make it to my branch! Why can’t you just pay this in? You’re a bank aren’t you?!”

    Me: “Excuse me, but just how would you expect me to pay this money in?”

    (Silence, during which I would like to imagine she is looking at the money and the phone, trying to jam it in there or something.)

    Her: “But it’s from my account! Can’t you just take it off the overdraft!”

    Me: “I understand what you’re saying, but unless we invent a teleporter to transfer your money directly into your account it will be impossible for me to take a cash payment.”

    Her: “But I’ll be charged! If I get charges I want them refunded this is ridiculous! I can’t understand why you can’t just put my account in credit!”

    Me: *dying a little on the inside* “Me neither, me neither…”

    If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say…

    | Waco, TX, USA |

    (While performing a normal transaction…)

    Bank customer: “When is your baby due?”

    Me, smiling: “Oh, I had my baby 5 months ago! She’s doing wonderfully.”

    Bank customer: *waves her hand around her face in a circle* “Oh, I guess you still haven’t lost your baby fat.”

    Me: “…”

    PINheaded

    | Tennessee, USA |

    Customer: “Hey, somebody painted the wall outside the branch I use!”

    Me: “Yes sir. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Well now I don’t know my PIN number!”

    Me: “I’m sorry–I’m not sure what that has to do with the wall being painted.”

    Customer: “I wrote my PIN number on the wall beside the ATM! NOW what am I supposed to do?!?!”

    Me: “…”

    Arr, Matey! I Be Wanting Ye Gold Doubloons!

    | Irvine, CA | Top

    Me: “Welcome to xxx Bank, what can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “Do you guys sell gold here?”

    Me: “Well, our Financial Advisor can take care of all your commodity trades. Let me introduce…”

    Customer: “No, I mean do you SELL gold here?”

    Me: “Um… what do you mean exactly?”

    Customer: “Can I buy gold?”

    Me: “As in… a brick of gold?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want to buy a couple of bricks.”

    Me: “Um… no.. I believe they stopped doing that in the 1920s.”

    Customer: “Well you SHOULD!”

    Me: “… Okay.”

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