November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Fifi Feels The Sting Of Government Bailouts

, | Florida, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. This is ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I just went to the drive-thru at the bank’s **** location, and they were very rude!”

Me: “I’m so sorry. Please explain what happened.”

Customer: “I go there every day, and they always give my dog a doggy biscuit. Today they didn’t give him a biscuit!”

Me: “I’m sorry. What else happened?”

Customer: “Well…that’s it, but I always have my dog with me and they always give him a treat. They told me they’re not doing that anymore!”

Me: “It’s not a requirement for the bank branches to give treats to customers’ pets.”

Customer: “I’m going to close my account if they don’t start giving out treats again!”

Me: “That is your decision to make. But again, it is not a requirement for a bank branch to give your dog treats.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *click*

It Only Works If You’re The Fed

| Portland, ME, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Can I withdraw everything from my checking account?”

Me: *processes transaction* “There you are. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, can you tell me my balance?”

Me: “Well, after that transaction, your balance is $0.”

Customer: “But I still have checks!”

Me: “I’m sorry–”

Customer: “I still have checks left in my checkbook, so I can still get money, right?”

Me: “No, ma’am. You can only write out checks if you have that money available in your account.”

Customer: “But I still have checks! Why would they give me so many hecks, then?!”

Me: “So you have checks for when you do have money?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll just write one out anyway!”

Me: “You’ll be charged a $35 fee for overdrafting your account.”

Customer: “I thought I had a free checking account. You’re going to charge me for using my free account?!”

Me: “No, we charge you for spending money you don’t have.”


Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

New And Improved High-Def Hunger

| Arizona, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer whose account had been overdrawn for some time calls our bank.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry, but you’re card was turned off because your account is currently overdrawn $2,000.”

Caller: “But I dont think that you understand. When I get paid, I need to buy food for my children.”

(We are able to reverse some overdraft fees if the situation warrants it. I review the woman’s account to see where her money is going.)

Me: “Ma’am, you said you buy food for your children after each paycheck?”

Caller: “Yes! I need money to buy my children something to eat!”

Me: “So your children eat big-screen TVs and acrylic nails?”

Caller: “You can see where I’m spending money?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We keep records of where you spend your money.”

Caller: *click*

Tip Of The Day: How To Apply For A Federal Bailout

| New Haven, CT, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Alright sir, you’re all set. Anything else I can do for you today?”

Bank customer: *jokingly* “Yeah, you can deposit a million dollars into my account.”

Me: “Sir, if I had a dollar for every time someone said that, I’d have a million dollars.”

Bank customer: *hangs up laughing*

Taking The Supersizing Thing Too Far

| Seattle, WA, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer is withdrawing several hundred dollars in cash.)

Me: “So, how would you like the cash today?”

Customer: “Um, I’ll take it all in the largest bills you have.”

Me: “So hundreds, then?”

Customer: “Yeah, a few hundreds, and then some 500 and 1000 dollar bills as well.”

Me: “Oh, the largest denomination we have is hundreds…”

Customer: “You see, this is exactly the type of thing that makes me not want to bank with you guys!”