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    Menage A Fraud

    | North Carolina, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am filling out a fraudulent charge claim for a customer.)

    Customer: “There’s a charge on my statement for some medical thing and I never bought it.”

    (Note: the ‘medical thing’ is for ‘male enhancement’.)

    Me: “Okay, we can go ahead and file a fraud claim for you. So, just to verify, you never purchased anything from this company, correct?”

    Customer: “I never got anything from them!”

    Me: “Okay, so you purchased it, but you didn’t receive it?”

    Customer: “Well, it didn’t work! Not that I need it.”

    Me: “Okay, so you did receive it?”

    Customer: “No! I didn’t order it! I don’t need it! And it didn’t work!”

    Me: “Sir, you have to pick one. You didn’t order it, you didn’t receive it, or it didn’t work. But it has to be one; it can’t be all three.”

    Customer: “All of them!”

    In That Case, I’d Like To Buy A Vowel

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer is doing a large cash withdrawal at our credit union.)

    Me: “Would you like large bills today?”

    Customer: “Yes. Can I get one thousand dollar bills?”

    Me: “The largest bill the fed currently makes is a one hundred dollar bill.”

    Customer: “Well, they have them on game shows on TV!”

    A Sticky Problem

    | United Kingdom | Uncategorized

    Caller: “I have been asked to send in documents to get this loan. I want to know if I can have it or not.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll go and find out for you…”

    (I pull up the caller’s account and look at the documents he sent in: the passport was hand drawn. It even had a stick man where the photo should be.)

    Me: “Sir your loan has been rejected due to your documents being…uh…tampered with.”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    Economic Recession For Dummies, Part 2

    | Shirley, NY, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer is cashing in a check worth $650.00.)

    Me: “How would you like that back, sir?”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “The cash…would you like it in large or small bills?”

    Customer: “I didn’t know you had different sizes of cash. Can I see which one fits in my wallet better?”

    Economic Recession For Dummies

    An Inconvenient Convenience

    | Cape Cod, MA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just got my statement in the mail and it says at the bottom to call this number for questions?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s right.”

    (A long pause follows.)

    Customer: “OK, so…what are the questions?”

    Me: “No ma’am, that’s in case you had any questions about your statement that you wanted to ask us.”

    Customer: “Oh OK, good. Because I really don’t have the time to be answering your questions.”