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    And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam…

    , | Santa Ana, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, I seem to have a problem with my online banking.”

    Me: “Okay, I’d be happy to help…”

    (I identify her and find nothing wrong with her accounts, flags or overdrafts.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m not seeing anything wrong on our end. Can you describe what the problem is?”

    Customer: “I don’t know what the problem is. I just got a message from you that said ‘Contact Us’.”

    Me: “Okay, can you read me the message you received?”

    Customer: “It says ‘Contact Us’.”

    Me: “That’s all, contact us and that’s it? No explanation?”

    Customer: “That’s all! It just says ‘Contact Us’ in blue letters right above my messages.”

    Me: “Wait, above your messages? You mean the link?”

    Customer: “The what?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the blue message to contact us is a hyperlink to a blank letter. It wasn’t telling you to contact us; the link is always there for feedback, like a suggestion box.”

    Customer: “Oh… well, can I please speak with your supervisor! I cannot be the only one who thought this!”

    (I transfer her over and proceed to bang my head against my keyboard.)

    Leonard Is Rolling Over In His Grave

    | Tennessee, USA |

    (An older lady calls in to see if we will waive the late fee on her credit card. I see several previous refunds and decide not to refund unless it’s a bank error.)

    Old lady: “I’m afraid I forgot to send the payment. I just lost my husband, and it’s been such a stressful month for me.”

    (I start to feel sorry for her and think maybe I can cut her a break. Then, I read the notes on the account more closely…)

    Me: “Ma’am, what was your husband’s name?”

    Old lady, sadly: “It was Leonard.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I see that you faxed us Leonard’s death certificate two years ago, so you could remove his name from the account.”

    Old lady, now indignant: “Well, it doesn’t get any easier!

    Related:
    Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave

    Check The Pot At The End Of The Rainbow

    | Arizona, USA |

    (Customers have been calling in asking for their Economic Stimulus Tax Rebate since the third week in April, even though it wasn’t scheduled to start showing up until the first weekend in May.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if my $600 rebate was in my account yet? My neighbor got his.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like it has not been deposited yet.”

    Customer: “Why not? My neighbor got his already.”

    Me: “I do apologize, but the IRS has not sent the deposit to your account yet.”

    Customer: “Well, why not?”

    Me: “I don’t know, sir, but you can call the IRS at 1-866-*** ****, or visit their website. They can tell you when yours is scheduled to be deposited.”

    Customer: “Why can’t you just put the money in my account?”

    Me: “Because we don’t have it, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, after it comes in, I’m changing banks!”

    Me: *shakes head*

    Touché, Part Deux

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want to know why I received a late fee on my statement?”

    Me: “Let me check for you…I do apologize sir, your payment was received 15 days after the due date, which caused the fee.”

    Customer: “I see, can you remove it?”

    Me: “Unfortunately no, you have had three removed this year already. This fee will not be removed.”

    Customer: “What do you mean you won’t remove the f****** fee! I always pay on time!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “What, are you stupid? Your g** d*** mother not educate you? Are you some kind of bank nazi? Remove my fee!”

    Me: “As I stated, this fee is valid and will not be removed.”

    (This went on for about 4-5 minutes, his requests heavily sprinkled with profanity and insults.)

    Customer: “Fine, you know what? You can take this g** d*** mo**** f****** Visa card and shove it up your g** d*** mo**** fu***** a**!”

    Me: “Sorry sir, my a** only accepts American Express.” *click*

    Related:
    Touché

    Creative Ways To Use Google Earth

    , | Tampa, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], may I please have your 16-digit account number?”

    Customer: “I can’t.”

    Me: “That’s fine, may I please have your SS number so I’m able to find you?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

    Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your social security number?”

    Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that, it’s not SECURE!”

    Me: “Umm…okay? Would you like to call us back on a land line so that your call is more ‘secure’?”

    Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

    Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

    Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my balance!”

    (At this point, I’ve had enough.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

    Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

    Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

    Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

    (I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

    Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

    (My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given a award.)

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