October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Stupidity You Can Bank On

| Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, this is [Bank] how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I deposited money through your ATM machine yesterday and it still isn’t showing up in my account.”

Me: “Okay, sir, can I just get the card number from the ATM card that you used to make the deposit.”

Customer: “I didn’t use a card.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I might have misunderstood. Did you make your deposit into the ATM or the night drop box?”

Customer: “No, I put it into your machine but I didn’t use a card. I didn’t need one.”

Me: “Sir, I still don’t understand how you could have made your deposit into the ATM without using a card. Could you please describe the steps you went through?”

Customer: “I drove up to the machine, filled out an envelope and stuffed it into the little door that said deposit but I didn’t use no card.”

Me: “Sir, the deposit door on the machine will not open without a card. How exactly did you put the envelope in?”

Customer: “Whoever designed those machines is a freaking moron. I couldn’t figure out how to open the little door so I got my pocket knife out and pried the door open. Then I stuffed the envelope with my deposit in there as best I could and drove away!”

Menage A Fraud

| North Carolina, USA | Uncategorized

(I am filling out a fraudulent charge claim for a customer.)

Customer: “There’s a charge on my statement for some medical thing and I never bought it.”

(Note: the ‘medical thing’ is for ‘male enhancement’.)

Me: “Okay, we can go ahead and file a fraud claim for you. So, just to verify, you never purchased anything from this company, correct?”

Customer: “I never got anything from them!”

Me: “Okay, so you purchased it, but you didn’t receive it?”

Customer: “Well, it didn’t work! Not that I need it.”

Me: “Okay, so you did receive it?”

Customer: “No! I didn’t order it! I don’t need it! And it didn’t work!”

Me: “Sir, you have to pick one. You didn’t order it, you didn’t receive it, or it didn’t work. But it has to be one; it can’t be all three.”

Customer: “All of them!”

In That Case, I’d Like To Buy A Vowel

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer is doing a large cash withdrawal at our credit union.)

Me: “Would you like large bills today?”

Customer: “Yes. Can I get one thousand dollar bills?”

Me: “The largest bill the fed currently makes is a one hundred dollar bill.”

Customer: “Well, they have them on game shows on TV!”

A Sticky Problem

| United Kingdom | Uncategorized

Caller: “I have been asked to send in documents to get this loan. I want to know if I can have it or not.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll go and find out for you…”

(I pull up the caller’s account and look at the documents he sent in: the passport was hand drawn. It even had a stick man where the photo should be.)

Me: “Sir your loan has been rejected due to your documents being…uh…tampered with.”

Caller: *hangs up*

Economic Recession For Dummies, Part 2

| Shirley, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer is cashing in a check worth $650.00.)

Me: “How would you like that back, sir?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “The cash…would you like it in large or small bills?”

Customer: “I didn’t know you had different sizes of cash. Can I see which one fits in my wallet better?”

Economic Recession For Dummies

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