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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • God Ma’amit

    | Boulder, CO, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Don’t call me ma’am, that’s rude! that’s like me calling you stupid!”

    Me: “I apologize… I was just trying to be courteous.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to the manager.”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “You’re stupid, and he’s stupid, and everybody that works here is stupid! I’m leaving!”

    Me: “Have a great day, ma’am!”

    Bad News On Laundry Day

    | Magnolia, TX, USA |

    (A creepy, smelly old man with dirty clothes and a scraggly beard walks into the bank.)

    Me: “Hi! Welcome to **** Bank, how are you today?”

    Customer: *stares, saying nothing*

    Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “I need to take $150 in quarters from my checking account.”

    Me: “Ok, I can do that for you, no problem.” *taking out a withdrawal slip* “If you can just fill this out for me, I–”

    Customer: “I can’t do that.” *pushes slip across the counter*

    Me: “…pardon?”

    Customer: “I said, I can’t do that. Do it for me.”

    Me: “Sir, unfortunately I cannot do that, for security purposes.”

    Customer: “Why can’t you?”

    Me: “It’s to protect your identity.”

    Customer: “My what? Just fill out the damn slip for me!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m really sorry, but you have to fill out the withdrawal slip. At the very least, I need you to put your name down.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that.”

    Me: “If you pardon my asking sir, why not?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to.”

    Me: “I’m…sorry sir, but–”

    Customer: “What kind of bank makes people do things?!” *storms out*

    Financial Loaves And Fishes

    | Cambridge, MA, USA |

    Customer: “There seems to be a problem with my ATM card. I can’t get any money out.”

    Me: “Hold on, let me check your account…you only have $3.35 in your bank account.”

    Customer: “Ok, so how do we fix that?”

    Equal Opportunity Intolerance

    | Ann Arbor, MI, USA |

    (At our credit union, we have one teller with a neurological disorder that causes a constant, but mild tremor in her hands.)

    Customer: *shouts across the lobby* “Hey, you, are you the manager?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Then get your a** over here!”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “This woman is sitting here shaking in her g**d*** boots waiting on me and son because we are [race].”

    Me: “Ma‚Äôam, I assure you she is not shaking because you are [race]. She is treating you the same way she treats every member.

    Customer:¬†”NO!” *points at teller* “You are a racist! I have never seen someone so scared of [race]. This is blatant discrimination!”

    Teller: “Ma‚Äôam, I have an illness that causes me mild tremors. It has nothing to do with you.”

    Customer: “Well, I feel like I am being discriminated against. If you really do have an illness there should be a sign over your window telling people about it so they can avoid coming to your window so they don‚Äôt get scared and upset.”

    Me: “Now that would be discrimination, right?”

    Customer: *storms off*

    Oh, Bite Me

    | Auckland, New Zealand |

    Me: “Welcome to ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need to check my balance on my account.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Can I get your customer number?”

    Customer: *gives number*

    Me: “Okay, sir. You have a balance of $513.26, and we need to get $360.00 of this paid off immediately to avoid referral to debt collection.”

    Customer: “Screw you. I’m no overstayer. Unlock my d*** account!”

    Me: “Sir, we can’t unlock the account until we’ve received some form of payment.”

    Customer: “F*** you man. I’m going to call your head office and have you deported.”

    Me: “Um, I was born in this country, so I can’t really be deported to another country. This still won’t get your account unlocked. If you can pay–”

    Customer: “Get the f***ing account turned on or I’m coming around there, and I’m going to eat you!”

    Me: “Eat… me?”

    Customer: “D*** right! I’m going to have you eaten and deported. We’re going to claim back our land and eat all you b**tards, then have you kicked out of the country!”

    Me: “Please pay your bill. I’m terminating this call.” *click*

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